Group Therapy

my boyfriend lost his brother and now the stress is effecting our relationship

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 16:26:35 -0800

Hi everyone my first post, my just found this website and think it's great so i joined.
Anyway, my story is my boyfriend of 2 yrs lost his brother in an accident ten months ago and since than his head's been all over the place and on top of that he's work stressing him out too and other problems. His brother's first anniversary is coming up shortly and the strain on him is hard i understand that but when we have a arguement he brings out about his brother being gone and he say hes enough problems on his mind, last fight we had he moved back to his mother's and said he needs to be around his family to mourne. Am i suppose to just take everything in myself and say nothing to him when he does something wrong ( i found out he told me a lie) because as he says his head is wrecked enough. What shall i do? I need advice. I don't want to put more stress on him sometimes cos i feel sorry for him but its not fair on me either taking everything in myself.

I don't know if I want to have kids.

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 16:23:57 -0700

I don't know if I want to have any kids. My boyfriend does. He'd like to start a family by the time he's in his late twenties/thirty (in about five years). I know I don't want any children at this time. I guess I've always thought I'd have kids eventually. Sometimes I like the idea, but what if the desire for motherhood never really kicks in? I can't have a baby and think, oh wait, I don't really want this anymore. I don't want to resent my child, or my husband. But then, I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who I knew would never be open to the idea of kids. How am I supposed to commit totally to a relationship when I don't know if we have the same goals for the future? Should I be worried about this now?

Where to go from here...

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:49:08 -0700

Okay.. this might be a long one
But Im really confused right now and and hoping to get some advice from people who are more experienced with this than I am

My boyfriend and I just broke up (4 days ago)... or to put it in less gentle terms, I got dumped. It kind of came out of nowhere - he had been acting a little weird in the days leading up to it, but I just chalked it up to stress, because that happens quite often with him

We had been together for just over a year, and although we are both quite young (16 and 18), we are mature people and this was a serious relationship. I don't really know how he feels any more (although he told me that he still is in loves with me and was confused about breaking up with me up until the point that he did it), but I know that I am still deeply in love with him and am hurt and appalled that he would break up with me, when the day before we had been hanging out and everything was fine.

What basically happened (and this is all stuff he told me when he was breaking up with me) is that he feels we are stuck in a rut of arguing over something, getting over it and being really happy, and then having the same thing happen the next day. He said it's really hurting him and draining him to be dealing with it... but this is the part where I get confused. A lot of the time, something that to me is simple discussion or mild annoyance at the other person (like getting frustrated when I ask where he wants to go for dinner and all I can get out of him is 'I dunno, I dont care..' - stuff that is easy to deal with and not a major problem in my eyes) he sees as a major fight, as a huge problem, and seems to think that it has now gotten us to the point where we can't go back to how we were before.
I will admit, our relationship hasn't been perfect lately. Ive just finished grade 11 in an extremely intensive university prep high school program, and he just graduated and doesn't know what he wants to do now. We've both been stressed, and struggling to find time for each other. But even through that, we managed to have lots of fun together, enjoy our time together and keep up (what I thought was) a healthy relationship.

Wow.. okay I had better get to the point now.
I haven't spoken to him since Friday night, when I called him a couple hours after we spoke in person (when he told me he wanted to break up)
Now.. I don't know what my next step should be. I don't want our relationship to be over, I feel like he ended it for an unnecessary reason, and I think that if we put a bit more effort into how we communicate, we could be happy again. Im still completely in love with him.
Throughout our relationship, we have spent tons of time texting each other and talking over msn, in addition to seeing each other in person almost every day.
I'm wondering now what to do.. should I try and email him? (I dont want to text or call or anything, I think it might be too.. invasive and put too much pressure on him.)
I dont want to push him away further... if nothing else I want to start hanging out again as friends and see where we go from there.

Does anybody have any advice on how I should proceed from here? Especially proceeding with the hopes of working this out and trying to be together again.
Thanks in advance.. I've been reading group therapy for ages and I know that you all give great advice.. I really need it now!

I said "I Love You" but he hasnt yet...

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:26:25 -0700

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months. At the beginning of the relationship I really fell for him. A little after 5 months I told him I loved him. He didn't respond the way I would have liked, but he told me that he loves being with me and really does care for me.
I've been so involved with his life, his family, his friends, everyone thinks I'm great. Well, it's already been 3 months past since I told him how I felt. I haven't said it again because I don't want to pressure him into saying it when he doesn't mean it. But...how long am I supposed to wait? I completely put my heart on the line, I did it because I wanted to express my true feelings but now I just don't know if it will ever happen.
Of course, with the big emotion of love, I had considered us moving into together...EVENTUALLY (not right at this moment). I recently moved into a new apartment and he was still living at home, which I didn't mind at all, I love his family. Well, I went to California on vacation and heard that he signed an 18 month lease on a new apartment with his best friend. I had only once mentioned living together and he told me that he wouldn't consider moving in with any girl until after about 12-18 months. Well, I guess he has his 18 month period now, and if we're still together he should be expecting me to mention us living together. I really do love him, I just want so badly for him to love me. I just don't know if it's a lost cause or not. I know love conquers all, but I don't know if I can wait another year just so he can tell me he loves me and be in a truly committed relationship.

Finding happiness in a place I hate

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 07:24:40 -0700

The situation: I am from Europe (and very European), I miss Europe very much and this causes the fact that I cannot be happy here. The problem is that I have a bf here who doesnt want to move to Europe neither to a different city EVER. I once watched revolutionary road and dont want to end up as unhappy as they did. But on the other hand i dont want to leave my bf (not an option), bc I am not that egoistic. Yet I hate the US with all my heart (and I am not kidding).
My question is therefore, is it possible to find happiness in a place I hate? (serious question) I dont want to look at a black and white world, there must be a different answer other than yes or no. I appreciate opinions from people who had been in a similar situation and can tell me what they did and if they believe they made the right decision.

boyfriend who won't call...

Fri, 22 May 2009 12:16:19 -0700

ok, so i've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. he's an artist and he goes away frequently to work in special shops where he can make large-scale sculptures. i understood this aspect of his life when i met him, and i have always been immensely supportive of the fact that he has to travel often. i am not a needy girl, and i actually enjoy my free time when he's away. however, since he's been gone this time, i have found myself getting increasingly aggravated. he is about 17 hours away right now, on a two-week long trip to one of these shops. he's been gone for about one week so far, and i've heard from him a total of three times. all three of these conversations he has cut short after about 30 seconds. all the times i've tried to call him (which was pretty much daily for the first three days or so) i get his voicemail. i've been unemployed for a while, and he's known how depressing this has been for me. this week, i was going on a very important job interview that he knew about, and he didn't even have the decency to call and wish me good luck beforehand, nor did he call that entire day to ask me how it went! i was so hurt to not have his support. i tried telling him that it bothers me that he can't seem to find any time in a 24-hour day to call me and touch base, but he says he's out there for work and that he's busy. the truth is, i think his lack of communication with me is extremely thoughtless and selfish. it's hard having a boyfriend who is constantly away, and if he can't make the effort to pick up a phone and call me while he's away, i really don't think i want to be in this relationship anymore. i told my mother this, but she seems to think that i shouldn't end the relationship, and that i should instead try to "beat him at his own game". she told me to "not answer the phone or respond to anymore of his messages the whole time he's down there" and that if i do that "he'll come home so fast it'll make [my] head spin". i'm not one for games, so this whole idea seems odd to me... then again, my mom's been married for 30 years, so maybe she knows what she's talking about. haha. any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

Keeping him interested...HELP!

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:14:44 -0700

I have been dating this guy I have known for more than five years for about a month and a half now. He made it clear to me two years ago that he had feelings for me, but I never felt the same way until recently. The past six months we've been on dates and I started to develop feelings for him. Anyways, he has told me that the reason he always kept pursing me was because I kept rejecting him. He liked the idea of a challenge. But now he has me and I'm afraid that he might get bored with me or the relationship is not what he expected it to be. Of course, he hasn't done anything to make me feel that way, but I can't help having that feeling in the back of my head. How do I keep him interested?

Group Therapy: I want to save our relationship.

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 10:51:02 -0700

I have been with my guy for two years. I love him very much, and we get along pretty great. I have noticed that because we both have an issue giving each other exactly what we want, we are both not too happy. I tend to get mad at him quite a bit, but because I feel hurt and lonely. He pulls away when I do this. I know I have been in the wrong, I have tried to supplement quality time with quantity time, and this is not we either of us wants. I feel lonely, and I miss compliments instead of insults. I miss feeling love and passion. I know my boyfriend loves me, and he knows I love him -- I just don't know why this is so hard to do. I want him to have a great life and do whatever he wants to do -- I just don't want him to forget about me. I have talked to my boyfriend about this. Sometimes he is compassionate and wants to make it work, other times he says he wants it to magically be fixed, or we break up. Relationships take work, and I am willing to work. I just don't know what I can do to make him see that it's an easily fixable solution. He says he resents me, but I resent him to. We are at a stand still. We don't want to break up, but it's hard to stay together when the other person doesn't want to make the first move at fixing something. I have done it so many times in the past and gotten nothing. I know we both need to change the way we think, and I know we sound like idiots. We hurt each other without even realizing it. I want to break the cycle, but I also want to ensure I get what I need too. I am very happy, have hobbies...but I need some QUALITY time, love making and kissing, and a few kind words. Any advice for someone like me?

...if you need to know, I am 22 he is 20, we live together.

Hard economic times straining relationship

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 06:51:13 -0700

Hi there! It's tough for me to reach out for help because normally I like to fix thing between my boyfriend and I together, but I feel as if I need a second opinion to understand my own feelings on this matter. My boyfriend of 3 years recently graduated and is having an extremely hard time finding a job. It's putting stress on him because of the money situation, and he's been sending his resume out everywhere. It just seems like nobody is really hiring, or all the good jobs have been snatched up already. He feels terrible about having to rely on me to help him through this time, because he's not used to relying on other people. I understand it's a rough time and I'm more than happy to help, since we live together. However, I feel like having him home all day is putting strain on our relationship and sex drive. I love him with all my heart but I think we're just seeing too much of each other, because it's all day every day. I go to class, and also go to the gym to relieve stress, so we do our own thing, but I just feel like it's affecting us more than we both realize. He also doesn't have a good outlet for stress and I've tried to convince him he needs something to let it loose otherwise it will eat him away. Is this normal? Is having that much strain during stressful times going to affect even the strongest love? Are my feelings normal?

Is it just about the sex?

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 16:16:31 -0800

My fiance and I have spent a great deal of time apart. We are attending schools in different states, and only get to see each other for special occasions (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break). We just spent this last weekend together, for the first time in months. He came over, we watched a movie, and, well, had a little much-needed fun. He went home later that night, and called me just before bed. He told me that he's afraid that we might let our relationship become about the sex, and not the fact that we love each other. That's when it hit me - is this what it has come down to?
Thinking back to the last year, I realized that we were spending a lot of time in bed, in the back seat, on the couch, but very little time just "chilling." My fear is that I will get to my wedding day (still a few years away), and I will only be in it for him. I've become too used to seeing him on my computer screen, and actually being next to him seems almost dream-like.
What can I do to focus more on our relationship, and less on the sex?