Group Therapy

My boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage.

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:56:38 -0800

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. He is 28 and I am 23. I dated a guy for almost 8 years before my current boyfriend so I am getting to the point in my life where I am wanting to get married, engaged, or at least know that it will happen one day. I really feel like this guy is the one, we have so much fun together, been through a lot and I just really love him! The problem is he claims he doesn't believe in marriage. I knew this from the beginning but I was hoping it was something that would fade with time. But it hasn't and its starting to really bother me. I ask him if it has anything to do with his parents divorce some 15 years ago, or the hard break up he had with his last girlfriend but he denies it. Saying that he thinks people get married because they think they have to and it doesn't bring anything to the relationship but complications. The weird thing is he grew up and still attends church regularly. My argument is that I feel like I will never officially will be a part of his family. He wants kids soon and I do not want a different last name as my kids. Plus I will always feel like I'm doing something wrong when we attend church, believe in God but live together in sin. And in 20 years will we still be introducing each other as boyfriend and girlfriend? Plus it will be easier to walk away when things get hard, instead of working together to make it work. I know he is not afraid of commitment because he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but I can't help but want to know that a marriage between us could be in our future. But every time I bring it up he gets mad and I get frustrated.
Is this common? What can I do to get some comfort with the situation?

Marriage coming to an end? Please help!

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 11:51:42 -0700

Hello,
Im here looking for some much needed advice. I have been trying to get into counseling for two months now and still have not had an appointment as of yet. Here is a bit about my situation, Ill apologize now if i write a novel.
My husband and I have been together almost 4 years, Married almost 2 years. Everything in the beginning was wonderful! We decided to get married oct 2007, Everything was still wonderful, I was head over heels in love with this man, He is a kind, Sweet, Caring man who loves me 100%. Well In June of 2007 He quit his job, I supported him because the place he was working was not a really good place, the boss was a jerk etc. I thought he was going to find another job to help support our family. He still hasnt found a job nor is he trying to, He pretty much refuses to find a job. I have been supporting our family and trying to make ends meet with my measly income. I got myself a computer and started going to college online.. I would chat with my friends from time to time, He would sit around and do nothing or sleep, He would then complain that im online too much, Well if he wanted to do stuff together i wouldnt be. So after arguing about that, I started to get off the computer more often and try to do things together, That didnt last long, He started nagging at me for talking to one of my male friends (whom is married himself) strictly friends! He would insinuate we were talking about things we were never talking about, he would question everything i was doing, Im tried of being accused of doing things im not doing, I even offered to prove it to him, He refused to see. Then we would resolve our fights, things would be ok for a few days then if i even mentioned my male friends name, He would get upset or think i was talking to him when i wasnt, etc. He is very paranoid, Insecure, etc.... I told him to make some female friends, Talk to them if he wanted.. He has done so, but doesnt talk to them that often, I dont ask him what hes doing who hes talking to, I dont but into his business unless he wants to invite me in. I dont know what to do, I cant live like this, Im tired of feeling like im doing something wrong when im not, I love this man so much, But hes pushing me away like crazy! He is in counseling.. But its not working as of yet... 75% of me wants to say thats it, I want a divorce i dont want to do this anymore, 25% of me loves the good times we have and i love him so much!!! I Just wanted to end this and move on with my life, make a peaceful enviorment for my children and I. What should I do? If I do decide to get divorced how should I go about telling him? Oh and by the way, this is my first and only marriage this is his second, His first wife divorced him too, For similar reasons... Please help me get my head straight??? Thank you so much

What to do about a boy

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 12:18:18 -0700

I got out of a long term relationship a few months ago and have been casually dating for a couple months. My goal was to have some fun being single and to be distracted a bit from the breakup. To that end, I never contacted any of my dates after going out with them, other than to politely tell them I wasn't interested.

Then a couple weeks ago, I was stunned to find myself really attracted to this guy I was out with. I was even more stunned to find myself back at his place after the date, as that is completely out of character for me. We didn't do anything more than kiss and talk, but still, it was kind of a big deal for me.

Anyway, we've gone out a few times since, and it's awesome. We talk for hours and hours and just really connect. He's an absolute sweetheart, and is completely wooing me in an adorable manner.

So here's my dilemma - actually, there are two:

1) I feel like it's too soon to get into anything after my last relationship. I don't want to be committed to this guy at all, despite how much fun I'm having. I think he's okay with that too, but I wonder if I'm doing myself a disservice by getting involved emotionally at all given how recently my last relationship ended (end of May).

2) I met this guy on match, but somehow MISSED that he put "probably not" under "Wants Kids". Now, I personally don't know whether I want kids or not yet. But, I don't want to decide that quite yet!

Given the recent breakup, and the kids issue, it seems pretty clear to me that this "relationship" can't go anywhere long term. Is it bad to keep seeing him, knowing this, and just have some fun?

I'm continuing to date other people so it's not like we're exclusive.

I'm confused, and the attraction is so freaking strong I can't see clearly. Please help!!

Where to host/upload Google Adsense alternative ad html file?

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 05:03:54 -0700

I don't know where to post this. I think we need OnSugar community help due to speed and SOME things are definitely answerable by users.

... Since we don't have file uploads and don't host our own domains.
Ordinary free file hosts won't do because I don't think they either allow html or allow it viewable by the browser.

I don't want to host on another site I HAVE hosted because of permanency and relevancy, forgetting where I put it to upload changes, etc.

I'm waiting for my normal host to set up a sub-domain on a FAIRLY related domain, but it's being unusually slow. And I'm just thinking there NEEDS to be another way BECAUSE...

Many OnSugarers likely don't have another domain hosted, but anyone using AdSense NEEDS these alt ad files.

Thanks.

Ex-husband passed away... help

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:54:46 -0700

I found out through my divorce solicitor that my ex-husband has passed away. I'd known him 12 years, married for 6 years and officially together for 4 years.

I am beside myself with grief. I had no idea I would feel like this over his death. Maybe when I was married to him and living together but now? I am very happy with my boyfriend of 1 year+ but I am racked with grief over the passing of my ex-husband.

Me and my ex-husband had not spoken for about a year. This was mostly his choice as he was very hurt when I announced I wished to divorce him. The reasons for the divorce are quite complicated but were mostly because I was an emotional mess and didn't want to burden him with my problems.

At the moment I am struggling to get closure on his death. He passed away on the 16th June and so I have most likely missed his funeral. I have managed to get contact with his sister who has been very understanding and sympathetic and myself in return for her. I am helping to answer some questions she has and her (hopefully) answer some in return for me.

Help... I feel so guilty for being so wracked over his death because my boyfriend has to handle me crying (sobbing) at regular intervals.

I feel like I am dealing with a double death. Not only is this the death of my ex-husband, my first everything, but the death of our marriage. I am being forced to re-hash all of the reasons it ended. These were reasons I had previously been comfortable with but now I can't help wondering if he would still be alive if I hadn't left him.

My best friend's husband touched me inappropriately

Sat, 02 May 2009 19:24:19 -0700

I went to visit my best friend and her husband from out of the country. They took me around town and we had a lot to drink. They have an extra room and were kind enough to offer their home for me to crash.

We went out and had a blast. I've only been drunk once in my life, and generally don't like drink, but my friend's husband volunteered to drive (he did drink a few though). Once we got home, we planned to drink and chat a bit more but my friend crashed on the loveseat, and I sat on the big sofa with her husband on opposite ends. We didn't drink anymore and I was feeling drowsy, so I shut my eyes and I feel her husband start to touch my breast and touch my private parts, going under my dress. I knocked his hands twice before falling off the sofa and running upstairs to the extra bedroom. He followed me up and tried to get me to open the door. The door doesn't have a lock, so I put my foot for support and told him I wasn't opening the door.

I heard him move away from the door and begging me to open it so we could talk, and I gave in. He was begging for forgiveness, and in that moment I told him to just sleep it off and to forget about it because I feared yelling at him and making him angry (he does have a temper). The next morning he avoided me, but I treated him as if nothing had happend because I didn't know what to do.

I'm so lost... I feel betrayed and I worry about my best friend. I wouldn't have gotten drunk if I didn't feel safe with them, and I just can't believe he did that to me-- I feel so angry, disgusted and humilated... I worry about my best friend, though. Their marriage is already on the rocks because they want different things in their lives. She is planning on divorcing him but is on the fence about it at the moment. I've always been supportive of her but stay away from getting in the middle of their issues.

This time, however, I don't know what to do... Should I tell her what he did to me? Again, I don't want to cause any trouble, but I feel like I can't stay quite about what he did. Any advice would be appreciated... Thank you.

My boyfriend lied to me about something he didn't even have to...

Fri, 01 May 2009 09:40:54 -0700

I have been dating a really great guy for about 9 months but we were good friends for about 4 months before that. About 3 months into our relationship, I found out that he had been seeing another girl right before we met. He broke up with her when he met me, but never mentioned her to me.
The thing is, this girl is EXTREMELY skanky-- he swears and all his friends swear that she meant nothing to him-- he was just lonely and she was interested. I believe them-- the only thing is, when I found out about her, he told me that nothing had happened between them. I was angry that he hadn't told me about her, but I got over it.
A few months later, I found out more-- he had 'dated' her for about 2 months, but still swore they never had sex. He said they had "almost" had sex but had been interrupted.
Last night (my birthday!) a mutual friend told me that he had told her that he had slept with the girl-- and that another friend of ours was the one who had walked in and is 'pretty sure' they were having sex.
I confronted my boyfriend and he swears they never actually had sex-- he just went along with our other friend who said they did because "he didn't want to argue about it". He swears he was lying about having sex with her then, not now.
He's really upset-- he says he was lying about her because he was embarassed. The girl is b*tchy, skanky, and unattractive, and it turns out was also lying to him about something important-- he is very embarassed about being tricked and involved with her because of it (no, it's NOT an STD). He didn't want me to think any less of him for being affiliated, even very casually, with her-- it is completely out of character for him to be involved with someone like that and he's humiliated that I know about it.
I don't know what to do. I love him more than anything-- we're living together and everything aside from this is perfect. I certainly don't want to get rid of him, but he lied to me about her for months. I guess the incident itself is not that big of a deal, it's not like he cheated on me-- he broke up with her when we met and never spoke to her again (I know that for a fact). It's the lying-- there was no reason for him not to tell me all of it up front. His best friend told me (in confidence) that he was lying to me because he wanted to protect my feelings, and didn't want me to think less of him. He was apparently afraid I would think that I was "in the same category" as this girl.
My boyfriend is very upset about this-- he says he's afraid he's going to lose me. He says it started out as a simple 'lie of omission' so I wouldn't find out about her, and as I started finding out more and more he was afraid I would leave him so he didn't tell me all of it.
I don't know if I can trust him that he didn't have sex with her. It seems a little fishy but I also can't help but think that if he's already confessed to everything else-- even lying about having had sex with her before-- and I've told him that in the face of all the lies, it doesn't really even make that much of a difference if he did sleep with her, he would just go ahead and 'fess up.
HELP!!!

Too shy/tomboy-ish to get a date?

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:16:20 -0700

This may get long so thanks in advance for reading.

After turning 23 a few weeks ago, I started to wonder what was holding me back from finding a Mr. Right. It's not that I haven't been on a date for a few weeks, or that I just keep dating a string of looser guys, it's that I have never been on a date. I didn't even have dates to high school dances. I've never even been told I was pretty/cute by a guy so that may have something to do with it. At a time in life where the majority of my friends are in relationships and are getting engaged/married, I'm all alone.

I'm starting to wonder if perhaps I am too shy to find a guy to like me, or if once I get over my shyness that my tomboyish nature (only child raised by her father who treated me like a son) forces me into the "friend zone" all of the time. I've been told that I'm funny and smart, but I think my love of sporting events and rock concerts, knowledge of cars, and love of all things nerdy scares guys away. Do you have any advice for me so I can stop being the seen as the sisterly type, and start being seen as a dateable? I'd really like to find a nice guy soon. Thanks a lot for your help.

How do I start being a Woman, instead of a 20 year old Girl for my caring boyfriend?

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 06:43:04 -0700

So me and my boyfriend had a talk last night about our relationship up to this point, 6 months in. My boyfriend is wonderful. He is caring, generous, selfless, GORGEOUS, and entirely committed to being there for me as my boyfriend. This is in fact, his first relationship. We have been living together for 4 months now, and my attitude has changed drastically from, optimistic, always caring and being there for other people, to.... not caring and being selfish. and my boyfriend knows this. He wanted to have the talk last night because he feels that I am a child, that he always needs to take care of me and that I have a "always right" attitude. I never used to be like this! I was always smiling and giving others advice.. and now I throw a fit when my boyfriend wants me to make him a lunch.. and that makes him feel horrible. He feels that he takes this relationship more seriously than I do.
I was with someone for three years, before John [ my current boyfriend], and I was always taking care of him. But when i did take care of him, it was unnoticed.
This conversation between me and John was hard for me to hear, and it made me cry. Hearing how selfish I am, and how little I do in return for all the wonderful things he does { working 60 hours overtime in a week, cooking for me, picking me up from work, taking care of my food needs, helping me with my family, always accepting me as I am, loving me strongly, making me laugh and smile, spending money when I am hungry or need something ].
How can I be this way to someone who is so great as a boyfriend, and give nothing in return?
The only thing he asks of me is that I do the dishes and make him lunch, which is so simple. I dont work nearly as much as him, so it should be easy. But I never keep my word on things that I say im going to do.

My last boyfriend of three years told me the same thing that John is telling me now: You started out great as a girlfriend, and its like you stop trying after a while...
I take my boyfriends for granted, and I dont like that at all. Where is my positive attitude? Why shouldnt I be happy that I have a loving, caring, committed boyfriend?
I know that in a relationship, things need to be equal. You have to each give equally, never one sided. and currently, my boyfriend is doing EVERYTHING. And I feel horrible because he deserves better than that.
I respond to him like a child when I do something wrong. I always take it as a hit, and never constructive criticism.
I know that I am lucky to have him, and Im not going to leave him.. so my question is..

How do I stop being selfish and start acting like a woman instead of a girl that needs everything done for her, and doesnt care about her loving boyfriend?
When do girls become women? How do you be a good girlfriend to someone who does everything for you?

any help is wonderful! I am certainly a relationship veteran, and have had too many relationships..
But John is by far, the most selfless person I have ever met. and I love that about him..

What do i do?

How can I get over it?

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 12:56:10 -0700

My best friend and I had a falling out when we traveled together five years ago. We had been growing apart for about a year or more, and then after we returned from the trip didn't really hang out all summer. After the summer we had a bit more contact to exchange birthday presents, but after that, nothing. She's a strange sort of person - will not open up to anyone, and in all the time I'd known her we never really had heart-to-hearts. Well I think she was going through some type of depression/mourning (we had a friend whom she was very close to at one point die a month before we left for our trip) and didn't contact me or anyone for a long time. Before I knew it she wasn't answering my emails and when I bumped into her in person she looked me in the eye and then looked away. I thought I must have done something terribly wrong so I apologized and explained myself and my part in the falling out we'd had over email. I wrote her a long letter, I emailed and told her I missed her, that I was sorry multiple times over the course of 4 years - never a response. I cried and cried over it, thinking I was such a bad friend. I finally found her and tried to talk to her in person but she wouldn't have it, and told me to email her instead. I was very nice and even began to cry when I tried to ask her what happened. I just wanted to talk in person and find out what really happened to make her treat me in this way. Well I emailed and there was no answer for a month. When she did email me she made some excuse about being busy and then told me I could ask her questions over email, but did not offer to talk to me in person. I asked her what happened with us - no answer. Over a year later I'm STILL bothered by the whole thing. I see her posts on facebook on other people's pages, but she will not allow me to "be her friend." I know I should be over it, but every time I am reminded of her I feel like I must be a monstrous person for her to act like I am dead, because although she treats many of her former friends with some level of contempt, she reserves this prolonged shunning for me alone. Is it because I was her best friend? I recently asked two people who know the situation and were friends with both of us if they know why she is mad, and they both think I did nothing to offend her, it's just that she "can't deal with" our relationship or lack thereof so she avoids it altogether. This makes sense in that she is the kind of person who avoids anything and everything, but I don't understand why or how anyone could ice out someone they used to care about knowing full well how much they are hurting. How do I get past this? Has anyone ever lost a friend and then been totally ignored? How do I shake the feeling that I am the bad guy and that it’s all my fault?her and me