I am 27 years old and dating someone that is two solid years younger than I am. We have been dating for 4yrs and currently live together. We have been living together for approx. 1yr. We met about 5 or so years ago, dated long distance for about a year, and then he moved to where I am and has been here for about 3 yrs. He has gone through much 'growing up' since we have started dating and currently is just getting his first 'real' job. He and I have travelled together for an extended period of time and both know each other's families, etc. About 1yr ago I started asking about getting married and what our future was going to look like. I had mentioned that I would want to be engaged and we agreed to this coming December. He had let me know that he wanted to be professionally stable before he made a marriage committment so we agreed to the December time frame. He has like I said earlier has been 'growing up' in our relationship and has made some really great strides. Though, he has never been financially secure and this has been starting to wear on our relationship. For example, he has not really ever taken me to dinner, etc. and I even feel like I can not ask him to go to a movie because of the cost. Also, he has left for some extended period of time(s) to go back to his family's house - anywhere between 2-6 weeks. More recently, he left for 5 weeks. Two of the weeks he went to Europe with his friend and the other three to spend time with his family. I told him that it was far too long to leave and that I thought he shouldn't go for as long as he was. He went any ways and didn't call at one point for 4 days in a row claiming he was in a very remote part of Italy. I lost it while he was gone and met someone else. I cheated on him with this guy one time. This other guy made me few beautiful, wanted, and he was older. I really felt passion I felt my boyfriend and my relationship was lacking. Componded with his absence it all just happened. Coming to the end of his 'trips' I told him how I was feeling. That I wanted to know our relationship was going somewhere and that I was bothered by his lack of money, his leaving, his selfishness, our lack of passion, etc. He told me that he wanted to be a man and become an adult. He asked if we could make things work which I agreed to. Then upon his return he created a powerpoint presentation outlining where he saw us going. He now is saying that he won't be ready for an enagement until this coming summer and not Decemeber. He also said that, "I am a great girl and why are you so worried" and that he admitted of putting his own self interests first and that he needs to work on the money issue. Now, I know that I cheated which is horrible but I think it was me just trying to feel special/wanted/not abandoned though it is not justification. Everything happens for a reason, etc. etc. Now I just can't seem to look at him the same. I feel like I am always going to be waiting for him to grow up and love me the way I want to be loved. I told him that I need someone that is going to take care of me and really loves me. He has said that he likes where things are going and that he has a hard time committing to anything in life (which is true). Okay - so I am just wondering what people think. Should I stay and wait until Decemeber to see if anything changes? Should I go now and just know that it isn't meant to be? When is enough, enough and you know that you just need to go although you do care for another and love them? How do I tell him that it is over if that is the route I go down? Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Thank you for any advice you can give!
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Alright, you both are young. He is two years younger than you. Why the hurry? You have been together for this many years, and obviously you are comfortable with commitment. I think your boyfriend is being honest, and definitely being smart. He can't put you and your needs first, he needs to be able to take care of his own life. If he can't see an engagement until summer 2010, then that is how he feels. It seems to me that you like the idea of him, but not really him. You mention his financial issues, how he lacks passion, etc. Then you go and cheat on him. Obviously there is something that you do not like, or something that you need that you are not getting from him. Maybe he should have stayed where he was, prepared for a job, spent less money on a trip and taken you out to dinner or something. Sure, that is a fault on his part. But not being ready for marriage, and not being totally stable is normal. In 5 years if he hasn't ever taken you out, it just sounds sort of dumb. When money was tight for my BF and I, we still managed to go out once a month to a movie and to dinner. You have to decide if you truly love this guy and if you are willing to wait. If he's not making you feel good, are you just going to go and hop into someone else's bed again? Don't you think it's a better idea to move on with your life if you're not happy, then to screw around with someone like that? Think about it.
1"I feel like I am always going to be waiting for him to grow up and love me the way I want to be loved. I told him that I need someone that is going to take care of me and really loves me. He has said that he likes where things are going and that he has a hard time committing to anything in life (which is true)"
^^you just answered your own question.
you are at different points in your life. he isnt what you want. he cant give you what you want or need. this really has nothing to do with your cheating (it wasn't right but i'm not even going to go there because the issues are clearly in your relationship) he left you. didnt call. and puts himself first all the time. he also isnt responsible with his life or money. why would you want to marry this guy? at this point it seems like you want the engagement as a reward for the time you spent on him when clearly its not because you love eachother and because you want to spend the rest of your lives together.
i think you need to break up with him and let him grow up on his own without you having to tell him to and find someone that doesnt need to "grow up" and is knows what he wants and can give you what you want.
2I can't even bear to read the whole thing. Get out now. Time spent waiting till December is time wasted with this guy.
3"I was bothered by his lack of money, his leaving, his selfishness, our lack of passion, etc."
These things won't change. They just won't. It's not like a habit he can fix for you. This is who he is.
Leaving someone is hard. I just left someone I was with for 4 years. It's hard hard hard. But you know, trying to force this guy to be someone who he isn't. That's harder. And that will suck the life out of both of you.
Take a deep breath, and break up with this guy. And don't look back.
4Never, never wait around in a relationship for that person to change. You have to love and want to be with someone exactly the way they are now. Getting a ring on your finger or getting married is not going to change him or the other major issues in your relationship. I think that you would be smart to assume that none of this will change. Would you be willing to accept him as he is right now and be happy? It doesn't sound like it to me. Good luck.
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world." Buddha
5You should be happy in your relationship and it sounds as though you are not. It's as simple as that. I think you've put enough energy into this relationship. There is someone else out there for you. It may take a while to find him but that may not be such a bad thing. I think you should break up with your boyfriend and take some time for yourself. It doesn't need to be a big huge drama, you can just tell him that you don't feel the same way about him anymore and that things don't feel right so you are leaving to be on your own. Good luck.
6No offense to you, but it seems that the biggest problem in your relationship is your need for money. You feel like you are not being taken care of financially, so it has started to leak into everything else. I am willing to bet the person you cheated with took you out, and spent money on you and that's how he made you feel special. You might want to take a look at yourself in this case. When you first got together you probably liked the idea that you were in charge of this relationship because you were older (no judgement I'm guilty of the same thing), but as you grew older and up, which you did as well a lot happens between 25 and 27, you decided it was his time to take over as the provider something you hadn't insisted on before.
7What made this change happen in you? Was it you growing up? Was it you witnessing a friends or colleagues relationship?
You said that he finally got a "real" job, what was he doing before that that you considered a "fake" job? Was it a "fake" job because you made more money than he did?
I don't know if you are mature enough for this relationship. You are insisting on getting engaged when he has clearly stated that he wants to wait until he is financially secure. Which is a much more mature decision than getting married when only one of you is the breadwinner. What would happen if you did get married, and you had to stop working because you decided to have children? Who would pay the bills then?
Plus, relationships should be built on trust and you cheated because he was gone for five weeks? This year my boyfriends job took him out of town for almost three months and we didn't have a cheating problem. If he had left you for five weeks for work would you have still cheated or did you do it because you were jealous that he went to Europe without you? Did he go to Europe at that time because he was going to be starting that "real" job and wouldn't have the chance to do it later?
I'm not trying to rag you I'm sorry if it's coming out that way. I'm just trying to have you think about things a different way.
This is the cliff's edge. You're both standing there now. You are starting to wary, to stray emotionally and otherwise. Both of you. You both need to sit down. Be kind to each other. Relax and talk. Ask yourself is this it? The cheating was really bad. Ask yourself if that's going to happen again. Because if it is, you need to leave now. All this waiting around for money and talking about jobs is good but not essential when you look at your history. The power point thing he did is logical but in poor taste. Maybe he did that in kind because he wants to live up to your expectations. The trip he took alone was a bad bad idea. I would never let him go again unless it's the two of you. You need to make that a deal now. Also if someone gave me a power point about my future life I would think it was some sort of a bad joke. I would do a Microsoft excel sheet in return showing different results, and see how he likes it. Your Excel doc should show that an engagement ring is only $200 at Wal-Mart, the best diamond and gold resource in the USA. You have to ask yourself is that's enough for you. Cause it sounds like you have just enough will power to get the ring and hold on. Just barely.
8Thank you all for your feedback and advice. You are all correct in your own way. Cliffs edge is exactly where I stand but I need to make a move either way. I have sat down and talked with him about all of this and he wants to 'be a better boyfriend'. I am leaning towards a little to late and that he and I just need time to grow up. It is hard because he really is a wonderful human but I think, frankly, not 'in love' with me and ready to give all of himself quite yet. Am I ready for him to do that...I don't think so. There is this gut feeling that I just can't get rid of and sometime you need to listen to that little voice in your head. Ugh. Any other feedback is appreciated.
9The bottom line is that you are both in very different places in your life. He is working on his career, wants to travel, etc, and marriage is not a priority. You have a huge need for attention, and I am siding with Akasha on this one, cheated on him with little remorse, IMO, as you spend a great deal of space in your post justifying your behavior. BTW, the comment "everything happens for a reason" is a BS cop-out.
The guy that is right for you should want to run down the aisle to marry you, not get nagged into it. That kind of relationship will ultimately fail.
If you really need someone to "take care of you", this is not your guy. I would say, though, be careful what you wish for. Many guys that want to "take care of you" end up being financially and emotionally controlling bastards.
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