Last year I was sexually harassed (stalked) and physically assaulted by my grad school supervisor. This prof. was determined to sleep with me and threatened that he'd have my scholarship taken away if I didn't comply. The situation was so stressful that I got really depressed - and my amazing boyfriend was right there with the tissues.
In the end I was kicked out of my program (I was a straight A student) and have to now face the fact that we live in a horrendously sexist world. There are almost *no* women in my field, and I no longer have to wonder why. I'm still pretty depressed and haven't been able to feel safe alone at night, but I do try every day to get up and concoct a Plan B for my life. I've got good job leads, and I'm feeling better and better every day.
The problem now, though, is my boyfriend. He says that he's incredibly angry that I treated him badly during this ordeal. It's true that I was *absent* - I wasn't there to do nice things for him, and was often in a teary/horrible mood. He says he isn't ready to forgive me and flies off the handle about anything and everything. Worse, his parents hate me now too - they think that I've ruined his career and life, since he spent so many months trying to make me feel better about life.
Is this *blaming the victim*, or what? I've told him that I didn't choose to be sexually harassed or assaulted, or to be kicked out of my own life plans just because some professor was determined to sleep with me. I didn't choose depression, either - but who in their right mind would just keep on smiling through something like this?
He's treating me like I cheated on him - saying he doesn't know if he can trust me again, and that I have to demonstrate to him that *this will never happen again*.
What should I do with him? I love him but I don't know how to feel about any of this!
Vicenza
You both need some serious therapy. Your boyfriend for feeling helpless and weak during your ordeal, feeling less manly. And you for thinking we live in a "horrendously sexist world" where nothing can be done about it.
Have you filed charges? Filed a complaint with the school? You two can sit around feeling sorry for yourselves all day long, or you can get to work and make sure this doesn't happen to anyone else. Take control of your life!
1Well Luisamapacha -- before you go there, I should say that I tried everything. Talked to various senior administrators that I trusted. Talked to the supposedly "objective" sexual harassment officer at the university. I wrote letters, and submitted medical information from my therapist (who I started seeing only because of this) to my department. NO one had any answers, sure they were sympathetic but no one knew what to do. Everywhere I went I was stonewalled - "that's just the way he is, everyone knows that." My final option - the chair of my department said this - was to sue the university. And I knew that that would take a few years at least, and the end of my academic career.
So: that's where I get "horrendously sexist world" from. Sexual harassment is considered a form of extreme but tolerated male behaviour. Believe me I'd like to "take control of my life", and I would like to write about harassment, and how difficult it is to spot in an institution like a university. But I couldn't go through with suing the university, and dragging everyone through years of that. Right or wrong -- that's what I had to come to terms with.
2You both either have to go on counseling (because this incident left both of you battered, you directly while he's indirectly affected) if you guys want to stay together (not only you, HE has to want it too), OR you have to walk away from each other before things get even worse, if you do decide to go this route, amicable separation will be the way to go.
There's no way you can guarantee in your future that everything will be hunky dory. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. And it's unfortunate that his anger now is directed at you (he probably felt helpless when you were going through the whole thing, and repressed his anger), so again, I will repeat that unless you two are willing to go to counseling together to get over this obstacle, I can't see anything getting better anytime soon.
I'm sorry for your trouble, but so far, that's the only things I can suggest. Be well.
3I agree, I think counseling is the answer. it sounds like you are already in counseling, but I think some couples therapy would help you two understand each other better.
4I'm sorry he is blaming you and saying he can't trust you... way to make you feel worse about a crappy situation that's not your fault.
Why were you kicked out of your program? You need to go on record about what happened to you, or this man will continue to ruin many other girls lives. You need to find a way to empower yourself through this situation and fight back at this professor. This is unacceptable, and you can find ways to fight back. Investigate every option available to you please, I really think you will regret it if you don't. As for your boyfriend, he sounds like a jerk to me. How could someone blame you for this happening? He should be trying to protect you and help you take action. Maybe he has shown you his true colours, and it is not pretty. Do you really belive he will support you through other problems in life? He doesn't sound like a good guy to me at all.
5You haven't tried "everything." Nowhere at all did you mention going to the police, filing a police report, or contacting the local media to get your story out there. You know, as soon as you speak up, I bet others will come forward and you'll have a strong case against him.
6Wow, first of all you didn't do anything wrong and did the right thing. I know plenty of girls so career driven that they would have just slept with the guy. You were loyal to your boyfriend throughout the whole ordeal and that's saying so much. I can't believe your boyfriend would fly off the handle about something that impacted your life in such a harsh way. It makes me wonder if he would be a good lifelong partner. He seemed to be a good support system in the beginning but now he is being borderline emotionally abusive. He is blaming a victim and treating you like you did something unforgivable. Of course you were distant! you were being harassed in a horrible way. Victims tend to withdraw from life and family. It was the past and if you're still ignoring him I would see his point. However, if you haven't done that since the incident he has no right to bring it up.
I wonder if part of it is his families influence. My current boyfriend has a very demanding family that expect so much of his future. I can't tell you how many times they have told him that I'm not good enough. You need to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel, figure out he feels and determine if this relationship has enough support to go on.
7If you can't seem to find a way to file a complaint against this awful man you might want to try to reach out to media outlets. You would be getting the word out on such an important issue. We have come so far as women and still face such sexism, it's incredibly sad.
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