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"At least you weren't married"...the death of my boyfriend.

Posted By Anonymous on Nov 25, 2009 at 11:45AM

This post is more of a vent, since truly, no one can help in this situation. My boyfriend of 4 years died 6 months ago, we had lived together for three years and planned on getting married. 6 months is not a short amount of time, but after losing someone so close to me, it's not weird that I am still upset. Upset doesn't even begin to describe what I feel. Every part of my body aches to see him again, and every peace of me feels like giving up daily. I find myself wanting to run away from reality, because his loss just...can't be real. I can't talk to anyone in his family without breaking down immediately. By not seeing them or talking to them I can somewhat run away from the fact that I will never see him again. If no one says it, then it's not real. In my heart of hearts I know my boyfriend is dead and I will never see him again. I feel like the universe is playing a cruel joke, and laughing while I writhe in pain. I also feel like he lead me on and lied to me (which I know, again in my heart of hearts that this is not true). What hurts the most is that there are a lot of people who are not very sympathetic. I have heard many times "At least you weren't married" as fucking if not being married makes it hurt any less! I want to scream, cry, and not just a little. More than anything, I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't keep waking up every morning without him and be okay with it. I can't keep replaying voicemails just to hear his voice, and re-reading every email he has ever sent me just to feel like I can function for a few minutes. I feel like maybe he could be watching me and thinking about how lame I am for not being "over it" after 6 months. 

When I wake up in the morning, when I open the mail box, when I drive my car, when I listen to music, when I am in a store, when I am walking down the street, when I am at work, when I am showering, when I am watching TV, when I am just being, doing anything...I always think of him. There is just so much love, and I never wanted to stop giving it only to him. We talked about death before, not often. He said that he would want me to be happy and find someone new, etc. I know I am 24 and my life is bound to go on in some way, but I can't erase him. I think I will always love him. 

I have been in therapy, but I can't imagine it's healing powers will kick in for a while. All I want is my boyfriend back. I would give anything in the world to see him. In fact, I would give anything in the world if instead of him, it was me. He didn't deserve to die, and I am not too amazing, so there is no point in having me on the planet. He was the better option. He would have made a great father, and was a gift to the world. He was hard working, funny, the smartest person I knew. He had facts about the most random things. He played video games well, and wrote such beautiful words whenever he wrote to me. He liked to cook and was actually good at it. He loved back rubs, football, and seeing anything on fire (haha). He liked fixing up old cars and going sailing. He could make anyone smile, and brighten up your day. He was everything and more, and now that person is gone. Because he is gone, I feel gone. He was a part of me, and the best part of me. I was so in love with him. I am still in love with him. I can't believe I am actually IN love with someone who can never love me back. 

I know this post is too long and completely pointless to anyone reading it. I know I should probably take my thoughts and feelings elsewhere. What I really want to do is vent, and maybe let anyone else out there suffering from this kind of a loss that they are not alone. Actually, when it comes down to it, all I really need is a hug.