Yesterday my boyfriend and I celebrated our two year anniversary. We met our sophomore year in high school and starting dating our senior year. After high school, I went away to a biblical college and he entered the work force. I come home almost every weekend to see him, but it's usually not for very much time.We have been through a lot with each other, and we've grown through it all- as individuals and as a couple.
Over the past two years, there have been about three or four cases where my boyfriend almost broke up with me. They were always during times of transition: graduation, him getting laid off, him starting a new job, me going away to college. I think that feelings of inadequacy also contribute to him acting in such a way during these times. He always apologizes after suggesting we break up (usually a few hours later), we talk it over, and then we go back to normal... until another 5 or 6 months later when it happens again.
About three weeks ago, my boyfriend told me that we should break up because he's not good enough for me and I deserve someone better. And, no, he wasn't just saying this; he genuinely felt this way. I never thought of being with anyone else, and considered him to be the perfect man for me.
However, this past quasi-breakup session caused me to distance myself from him. I began to wonder whether I wanted to deal with his instability for the rest of my life. He's not the best at making decisions, and I feel like I want a man to be able to do these things. In effect, the fact that he deems himself unworthy at times caused me to wonder if maybe there is a better man out there for me.
Still, it's difficult for me to understand how I feel. One day I will feel like he is only man for me, and then the next day I'll start questioning again. He understands that he hurt me and is seeking counselling. He is determined to gain my trust back and is willing to wait however long it takes. Lately I've been criticizing him on things I usually did care about as much: how he dresses, how he talks, how he can't write well, how he doesn't like to go out as much as I do, if his breath happens to smell. I never used to criticize him, and I hate that I do so now. I'm not sure whether I just want the unattainable perfect man or I just want him to change... or whether I just want a different man altogether.
I feel like I'm being forced to decide who my soul mate is at such a young age. My friends are getting engaged and married, and I still feel like I don't want to. I know that my boyfriend loves me. He always encourages me to pursue my dreams and he treats me like a princess. His sporadic instances of indecision do scare me, however. We've been through so much, and I really want to work things out between us. I'm so afraid of settling for less, and while I never felt that my boyfriend was less, when he says that he's unworthy it makes me question the matter. Should I stay and try to work things out or will I be beating a dead horse? I don't want to be the woman that is so blinded by love that she marries a man that is completely wrong for her. Help!
To break up or make up?
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Kiddo, how old are you - 20? All your friends are getting engaged and married at 20? I hope they're all prepared to be divorced by the time they're 30, cause you're right - you can't be expected to know your "soulmate" when you're 20. (For the record, I don't agree with the whole concept of soulmates - people can and do have successful relationships with more than one person over the course of a lifetime.)
I certainly think you should stop pressuring yourself to make a decision about whether you'll marry this guy or not. The reality is that you have doubts about the longevity of this relationship - and you ignore those doubts at your own peril. And keep in mind that most people don't marry their high school sweethearts.
1My intuition says that this guy is not happy in the relationship and that you're not either, but you're both so familiar and comfortable with one another that neither can bear to break it off. Why not take a break for 6 months, concentrate on your studies while he concentrates on his job, and agree to see where you both are as individuals after that 6 month period? Reconnect and see if you've actually grown up and apart, or if you both have the same goals still. I'm not a big believer in high school relationships... high school is a time when you will have everything in common with everyone else because you're all living with mom and dad and have very little freedom (or reason, for that matter) to make your own choices. Once you're out on your own a while, you develop into a fully-functioning person and start to come into that understanding of what it takes to be you and to take care of yourself. It's hard to pull a relationship into that stage of your life when it existed prior to all the big changes. That all said, I'm with honey knows on this... how the heck are all of your friends getting married already?! You're so young!! Heck, I'm 26 and feel too young for marriage and kids and all that. I like being able to blow my paychecks on whatever I want!
And to stay out all night on the weekends, and to go on awesome vacations and to drive a
2-seater sports car... Many people have to wait for retirement before they can enjoy themselves with this kind of freedom, but I'd highly suggest doing this in your 20s. 
2Yeah, I have to agree with notinthemood and honeyknows. Your friends are all getting married/engaged and you are only 20 years old????? Did you know that statistically, the younger that people get married, the higher the rate of divorce? So, yes at least 60% of your friends that are getting married right now will be divorced by the time that they are 30. Look you are only 20 years old, you should not even be considering marriage at this point in your life. Now is the time in your life when you get to explore your self, travel, get an education, have fun with friends and ponder your values and goals. I think it is normal to have doubts like this when you are so young and this is your only relationship ever. I mean, you have nothing to compare it to! That is why I think it is good to date a few men so that you can find out what you will or will not accept in a future husband/life partner. My advice is to just stop comparing yourself to other people, and perhaps get some friends that are more independent and pursuing their travel or educational goals. Your life is not the same as anyone elses and it really does not matter what your friends are doing, what matters is what will make you happy. If you chose to stay with him, then stop worrying so much about the future. I don't think that the choice should be either to break up or get married. Focus on your current feelings about your relationship and stop worrying about the future and ruminating on the past. Good luck.
3Thank you all for answering my post. I definitely understand what you are all saying. I really shouldn't compare myself to my friends who are getting engaged all and that jazz. I just want to enjoy my relationship with my boyfriend for what it is. I'm going to try to stop putting so much pressure on myself to decide. Both my boyfriend and I still have to figure out more about ourselves and about each other before we can even really decide on whether we should be each other's future or not. I guess I felt so much pressure because of the anniversary, and he bought me an expensive Tiffany's necklace. So I suppose I just starting feeling so much pressure to have it all figured out. But you are all so right: I'm only 20. I don't need to know everything right now. Thanks!
4Very insightful, Janine and Notinthemood.
I was thinking about this a little more this morning, OP....we all define ourselves by the decisions we make. When we're young, we have a tendency to make decisions about romance so quickly - often not knowing that we're doing so with a false sense of certainty. When you decide at 18 or 19 that you've selected your mate, you start living your live as though that decision has really been made. You allow it to define who you are as a person, e.g., "I'm Kathy (or whomever), and I'm not looking for Mr. Right - I have him. I'm off the market."
But honey, as you live your life, you collect experiences and information that SHOULD alter your decision-making process. That's the whole process of maturation - incorporating these experiences and information into your own thoughts, identity and decision-making process.
Over the past two years, you've learned more about yourself, more about the things you want, and more about your bf - and those things ARE affecting your decision-making. That's actually a great thing, kiddo - it means you're becoming a real adult. Real maturity, however, demands flexibility. You can't afford to rigidly cling to the way you've defined yourself so far (as a girl who's found the man she'll marry). When you do that, you stop growing, you stop maturing.
Maintaining that flexibility can be tough....but it's worth it. You can't be afraid to let go of decisions that were made when you lacked ALL the information you really needed. You have be brave enough to listen to your intuition, and to face the truth - even when it knocks you out of your comfort zone, or forces you to reconsider how you've defined yourself. Good luck, hon.
5The primary feeling I got from reading your post is that you want out. Deep down you want to end it, but you are holding off, perhaps out of fear of the unknown.
It's admirable that you are the type of person who wants to work through problems. However, save that for when you're married to someone. If there are this many issues right now, it's not a good sign.
You have a feeling that there's something better for you out there, and you're right. Trust that gut feeling, and learn to keep trusting it. It's trying to stop you from settling (and yes, you will be settling if you stay with him).
Good luck.
6To me it sounds as though the issues in your relationship are mostly becasue of the distance in your relationship. At your age, it is hard to be in such a serious relationship without being able to have any of the daily great rewards of a serious relationship. If he suggests that you not be together then take some time to really see how you feel. Don't try to convince him that he is perfect or the one. Be honest and up front. Tell him what he does and why it bothers you. Tell him that his doubts make you have doubts and now you need your time alone to figure out if you should be together or not. Communication is key, especially when you are living apart so just explain to him how his doubts make you feel and that now you want to make sure you both are making the right decisions for your future.
It also sounds like you are moving further in life where he is staying at a stand still. You being in college probably makes him feel as though you are above him, and it probably makes you feel that you have bigger goals than him.
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