Wow, so I just found this website, and it seems like a fantastic idea! So glad to be here!
So, here's my dilemma, and it's a classic one, so I appologize if I'm posting something that gets asked too often. My husband and I have two small children. My husband works and I stay home to raise the kids. It's rewarding, but by no means "fun" or easy! My husband has a challenging job, but is very good at what he does and has become quite successful at his company. He is brilliant, creative, and works very hard to get projects completed quickly and with innovative ideas. I really can not put into words how proud I am of him, and tell him that (maybe too much.) He comes from a family in which both of his parents worked full time, and had hired help around the house most of the time. His mother "does not cook" so they always ate out, and they had a maid, nannies, etc. I guess what I'm tying to say is that he grew up without ever seeing the challenges of a stay-at-home mom in a one-income family.
When I became pregnant with our older child, it was a big surprise to us, as we were very young (both 23) and not at all prepared (mentally, financially, etc) to become parents. We decided together that it would be best for me to stay at home with our child(ren) until they were in school. My job would be to take care of the kids during the day, keep everyone fed, and keep the house up. Sounds easy, right??? Again, I really was not prepared for this, and adjusting to motherhood has been challenging for me. Although I would never let our home become dirty, there is rarely a day when it is not messy in some rooms, and although I really ty to stay on top of cooking 3 meals a day, it is REALLY a LOT of work!!! I probably dont end up getting to making dinner more than 3 or 4 times a week. I don't do the TV babysitter thing, so entertaining my children in an educational way every day really becomes tedious after a while. I try to not complain to my husband because as tiring as it is and as boring as it can be, this is my choice, and I can change it at any time. I even ty to thank him every so often for working hard and affording us the opportunity to have me be at home.
Ok, so here comes the problem part. My husband thinks I have this wonderful time all day long sitting on the couch and popping bon-bons or something. He is admittedly jelous of my staying home, and gets furious at me for not keeping up with everything the way he would like it to be kept up. He is not an unfair or unkind person by nature, but he REALLY thinks I'm just being lazy when he comes home to a messy house or no dinner. He walks in the door each day and his eyes scan the house, looking for something wrong- something to complain about. He can usually find at least one thing. I really do STUGGLE each day to keep everything up as much as possible, but some days, things just don't make forward progress.
I've tried to leave the kids with him for long periods of time, hoping that he would get the point of how hard it is, but he seems to handle it like Mary Poppins! He's so friggin perfect at everything! Problem is, I'm not. I'm totally a stressed out mess half the time trying to keep things going, and he totally can't undestand why. He is not exactly polite about how dissappointed he is in me, and it is so depressing. It seems like he nags at me constantly about things I haven't done. I feel so unappreciated, and like such a failure. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't keep my husband happy. And on top of that it is SOOOO frustrating that all my hard work is for nothing (not for nothing with the kids, just him.)
Any advise???
Unappreciative Husband
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Radley
It seems like there's a couple of thing going on with your situation: issues with your marriage, and issues with managing the kids.
First, I agree that there is no harder job than being a full time, stay-at-home parent. I stayed home with my daughter until she was 16 months old, and it was the best, and most difficult job I ever had. Working full time - even when you're also a mom - is a walk in the park compared to caring for young children.
That said, I think there are probably things both you and your husband could do to improve the situation. The first is to communicate more openly about expectations for your role in the family. He doesn't seem to understand what you're doing at all - so how can you make him understand? Can you keep a diary of what you do during the day (for a few days) to help him see where your time goes? Even when you're just running errands, it takes a lot of effort to haul two young children around with you (and you're working around nap times, and meal times, illnesses, doctor's appts, play dates, etc.). You don't necessarily have to write things down, just talk into your phone or something.
The problem with people who've never provided childcare full time is that they don't understand that you don't have absolute control over your day....kids get sick, kids get cranky, kids get hurt, kids do a LOT of priority setting - when you finally get a few minutes when everyone's napping, sometimes you just need a break. But when you're in an office environment, life is soooo different. You have a meeting scheduled for 10:00, the meeting happens at 10:00. You have lunch plans, you go to lunch. Some type of diary or record might really help your husband understand just how different your life is from his, how much more unpredictable it is, and how stressful that lack of predictability can be.
That said, I think there are probably some things you can do that will make your life better, as well. Take advantage of weekends (when your husband is home to watch the kids) and cook/freeze some meals. You'll always have a fall-back dinner when your day is too hectic. Also, and I can't say enough about this - get to know your friend the crock pot. You can throw some stuff in there in the early afternoon, and dinner cooks itself.
Don't let your kids completely rule your life - don't be afraid to build structure into their lives. Everyone should be napping at the same time (and if the older child doesn't want to nap, he/she can play quietly in his/her room during nap time) - kids' nap time is your time to get things done (like "normal" people do) - take advantage of it. Everyone should be eating at the same time. Everyone should be bathed at the same time (or make that your husband's nightly task). Getting kids on a schedule will save your sanity.
Also, an hour of Sesame Street every day (or Dora, or Bob the Builder, or Baby Einstein, etc.) is not going to turn your children into oatmeal heads, or give them ADD. Let them watch tv for an hour before your husband gets home - that'll give you time to coordinate dinner, tidy up, fold the laundry....whatever needs to be done.
Don't get me wrong - I think your husband's standard seems to be perfection (based on your comment that he is always looking for something to criticize) - and perfection is NOT an attainable goal. I'm not suggesting you go all Stepford Wife to please him. However, if you show him where your time goes every day, then come to an agreement on some REASONABLE expectations on everyone's part, you'll probably be able to find some opportunties to improve how you manage each day.
Sometimes people who are high achievers at work can't seem to understand why others sometimes fail to meet their expectations. Frankly, if your husband is a team lead, working with him on this issue with him at home will really benefit him at work - it'll broaden his understanding, and his compassion. You just have to remind him that running a project and raising children are NOT the same thing - they require different skill sets, and are achieved under VASTLY different circumstances. Good luck, hon.
1Honeyknows... you are again absolutely right! As far as taking care of the kids, OP, I'd hate to suggest that you're putting too much effort in without enough reward. Except I just suggested it.
Start planning your weeks out on Sunday, do all your shopping when the kids are
with Daddy, and make sure each week you get a clean slate so that you aren't so stressed out. Get a big calendar and plan out each meal for each day, which chores must be done and when, and
what chores the kids can help out with. If they can walk, they can pick up toys! They can also "help" Mommy cook, which kids LOVE to do, and help sort and fold laundry. It usually isn't an
efficient job, but it's fun for kids to help Mommy. Don't feel bad. Schedule all this on a big calendar that your husband can see, not so you can rub it in his face but so that he knows
you're trying and knows what is for dinner (especially if you need him to throw it in the oven one day)!
Finally, read a Dr. Laura book or two to help with your marriage. You really need to try to see where he is coming from, which I assume is feeling used and not taken care of, and try to remedy that situation. You can do something about that; you can't do anything about the way he feels about your house. He knows you don't like when he's mean to you, just like you know he doesn't like it when the house isn't clean. I hate to say it like this, but you're acting like it's impossible to be a stay-at-home mom. You're admittedly not doing it right, and upset that he's not happy that you're not holding up your end of the bargain. You need to figure out right now what it will take for you to be able to make and maintain your home the way your family would like, and talk with your husband about implementing those solutions. Good luck!
2He needs to get over himself and stop comparing your work with his. He should be putting you down for every little thing. As long as the kids are happy and there food on the table for him when he gets home, that should be enough. Stress to him how he makes you feel when he nags you on the little things. But stop feeling bad about he isn't home so he has no idea how hard it is.
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