I am preparing to come clean to my boyfriend about cheating on him twice: 2 and 3 months ago with the same man. It did not go very far (kissing and petting) and it was only physical not emotional at all but I was unfaithful nonetheless. I was not honest about my indiscretion because I felt it would be selfish to hurt him just to relieve my guilt. I have been seeing a counsellor for a few months. I now understand why I cheated and I feel that I have changed and want to tell him the truth so that he can really know me and decide how he wants our relationship to advance. I cheated because I was hurt by him and I used another person to deal with my low self-esteem and emotional pain. It was incredibly immature and I am coming to terms with this flaw and making serious efforts to become a better person and better partner. I want my boyfriend to see how committed I am to us. He knows I have been seeing a counsellor and I tell him all the time how I have improved. I am working on being a more assertive person, better communication skills, and being more in touch with my needs so I can make better decisions about what is important to me and what issues just need to be accepted & ignored.
I still see this man occassionally as we share friends and I know that he is still interested in pursuing me. I have been very assertive with him since I started seeing a counsellor. I was in a situation recently where I might have allowed this man to cross the line before I put my foot down but I used strong body language and respect for myself to make it very clear about what my boundaries were before he even approached them. I am very proud that I did this. I have been dealing with boundary issues since I was molested as a child. I am finally making big progress and it took this big mistake to get here.
The reason I was unfaithful is really complicated. It is because of my insecurities and need for affirmation of my worth. I don`t think my friends consider me an insecure person, probably just the opposite but I have really given myself to my boyfriend and I felt very vulnerable because of this. I want him to know that I have had serious relationships before him but none of them compare to him. I want to start a family with my boyfriend in the next few years. I want to be his partner in the true sense - the person who believes in him, who is always there to support him, who know how to make him happy when he is down, etc. I don`t want him to think that I desire to be with anyone else because that was not what my unfaithfulness was about at all. I have only found one other man attractive since we`ve been together (he was a professional entertainer). I have never considered being with anyone else. When I go out with girlfriends I don`t flirt with men like I did before him. It is not because I feel that I have to act a certain way like other relationships made me feel, it is just because I do not have the desire.
I want to be honest about my mistakes so that I can grow as a person. I know it will hurt him and I want to minimize this. I do not want him to lose trust in me but rather have him better understand me and trust me more. I want him to know that he is the only man I find desirable and that my unfaithfulness was not because I was seeking another man but rather trying to find a quick fix for the pain I was feeling about him, a kind of distraction I guess. He knows that he had hurt me around that time and he is also working very hard to change so that I am not hurt by him like that again.
Please tell me if you can understand what I am saying. Will he understand what I am saying. Do you have any suggestions about how I can make this the least painful for him.
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I understand what you're writing but I can't quite relate to you because I dealt with my insecurities in different manner--I've never cheated on whomever I was/am with (the only parallel was: I was very insecure although I was not seen in that light by peers, and yes, many men actually found me attractive enough and tried to flirt with me--then like you, I had my counseling).
But you wrote eloquently, and if you've worded it more toward your bf, you may even let him read this post (revised). Or heck, without even being revised.
I think he'd understand what you're trying to convey, but there's no guarantee it'll minimize his hurt, all you can do is apologize profusely after he's read your confession (or after you've eloquently expressed your confession). And let him decide if he wants to continue with the relationship.
It seems that you've learned a lot and the counseling has done you good. So good luck to you and your journey.
1OP,
Make sure that two things happen; that you express your feelings of remorse to him, and he expresses his feelings of anger to you. There is an unwritten rule in our society that when one person expresses genuine remorse, the other person should not express anger. This is a mistake. Both people must expresses their feelings here, otherwise these feelings will remain, pent-up, and cause trouble down the road. For a good example of this, watch the movie Keeping the Faith.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0171433
(In the movie, Jake apologizes to Brian about something, and Brian starts to express his anger. But Jake's apology is so touching and honest that Brian stifles his desire to get angry at Jake. Big mistake.)
This whole thing will probably come as a huge shock to your boyfriend. It may be a long time before he comes out of shock and expresses his anger to you. Make sure that he does, no matter how long it takes.
2If you're really that committed to this guy do NOT tell him. If I were he, I would NOT want to know. Just be a better person in the future and move on. If you do it again, then break up with him. Otherwise, seriously, please don't tell him.
3Pop is right... men don't respond to unfaithfulness the same way women do. Women are more likely to forgive... it's just how it is.
You probably need a bit more counseling (or a different counselor) before you tell him, as your post sounds confused. You said both that he was the reason you cheated (I cheated because I was hurt by him) and that the reason was "It is because of my insecurities and need for affirmation of my worth." Well, which is it?
What your post says to me is that you've recognized a pattern in your life; that you "take things out" on people. You seek revenge (blaming others) to repair your injured ego/psyche. I'm not sure how much therapy or reading you have done, but read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People or The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. Both books use an explanation of these personal revelations as "maps". When we're young, we create a series of maps based on our observations and experiences as children. (Abuse has a profound effect on it.) When we grow up, we come to realize (sometimes) that our maps are not right and we need to change things, which is where therapy comes in.
The thing is, while it is profound and life-changing for you, it isn't so for the people around you who already live with integrity and respect for others. So to make a big deal about how you're becoming a better person is going to backfire and send you deeper into that forest with the wrong map. If you tell your boyfriend what a terrible person you were and that you cheated on him but now you're better, it will hurt him and confuse him all at the same time. You need to learn to empathize with people and not see things through the "me" lens. Yes, YOU understand all the ins and outs of your mind now, but HE doesn't need to because HE has to understand the ins and outs of HIS mind. All he needs to know is how to react to things, not why you did bad things. It won't make it better now that you have an excuse. It will still be an external event that he needs to assess for the impact on him and act accordingly. So telling him is still, in my opinion, a bad thing. Especially with an excuse.
If you want people to think certain things about you, you need to be/act/do those things. No amount of self-preaching will convince someone who already thought you were good enough to date that you are a laundry list of good things they don't see you doing. Trying to convince him that you are committed to him by admitting that you cheated twice AND haven't made the sacrifice of total contact with that man is going to get you nowhere. When you then bring up how he tried to come onto you and you rejected him, it will further enrage your boyfriend, who would then have to wonder if you would have rejected him still had you and your bf been fighting. See how talking really doesn't get you anywhere? We are what we continually do. If you haven't continuously been a loving, committed girlfriend, it's time to start being so. Make the choice not to burden him with your psycho-babble and just love him like he deserves. Come up with new ways to deal with your insecurities for sure, but I can guarantee that if you tell him like this, he won't ever trust you again. Good luck!
4You're pretty self involved. Tell him if it makes you feel better. But don't expect your relationship to work out. He may understand but never forgive you. He may never trust you again. Who knows when you'll feel "insecure" again. He'll probably just walk out the door. And for what? A kiss an a stroke with some guy you had going for a minute or two.
5This is what I would do. I would print out this whole thing that youve written because I honestly believe I dont think anyone could verbalize a better explanation of what happened and why and how sorry you are. I would then set up a meeting with your counselor for the both of you and have a dual session. When your there and hes asking why you brought him, show him this letter. However I would wait a few more months until youve made even more progress. You can then say with proof "look I was awful but that was me as person A. These are the reasons why I was such a person but im not that person anymore. I am now person B and I will never go back to the kind of person I was before." You also need to cut ties completely with the person you cheated on him with. That is completely unfair to your bf that you even talk to him. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and he refused to not talk to the girl he cheated on you with? You shouldnt even allow yourself to be put in situations where you have to reject him. He should already know that the store is closed for business so dont even look into the window. In fact, I might send a copy of this letter as an email to that guy you cheated on your bf with. Do that and save a copy and you can show your bf how serious you were about letting this guy know how much your bf means to you and not him.
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