Last fall I broke up with my boyfriend of six years. We have grown apart and lead seperate lives. We never lived together (he didn't believe in living together before marriage). We were lucky to see each other more than once a week and typically when we would see each other - it would be around family only. I grew used to doing everything alone in my relationship because he was usually off doing something else. I grew very resentful of our situation. We were best friends more than lovers.
Its been a tough year but I've come a long ways. I had a bad rebound with a good friend. I've been in therapy to learn why I stayed in an unhappy relationship so long (poor self esteem - for the record). In the meantime, he's bought a house, a new car and mellowed out in general. I suggested therapy but as far as I know, he's never tried it. He has apologized for taking our relationship for granted and being immature. I thanked him for his apology but also pointed out that problems don't get solved just because you feel bad about them.
We've had very little contact in the last year other than emails and occasional phone calls. We recently hung out and had a really good time. It was nice. I know if I would have given him any indication - he would have kissed me or made a move. I know he'd be willing to restart something if I was willing.
So do I try again? Do I try to give this situation a second chance? Am I just considering this out of loneliness? Is it time to let go - for good - and move on?
Should I try again
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I'm not sure going back to this relationship is the best choice. I'm doubtful because you've said that you don't believe he's actually done any work to address whatever contributions he made to the break-up - so can you reasonably expect him to behave differently toward you? (I don't know, but I think that's what you have to consider.)
I'm sure you two had a good evening...obviously there were some positive ways that you two connected once upon a time - it's not surprising that there's still some of those positive connections left to tap into. But as you learned over the last six years, it takes more than a few positive connections to keep a relationship thriving. If he hasn't addressed his own issues (developed a new relationship skillset) - I don't know how he can be a better partner to you (the kind that knows how to work hard on a relationship).
I think working with a good therpist is a big step in the right direction, but I suspect that you're not quite finished yet. While I'm sure low self-esteem is part of the reason you stayed so long, there are probably some other issues as well. To stay with someone for six years and be unhappy for so much of that time is pretty dysfunctional...and dysfunctional behavior is a pretty tricky knot to untie. I think you have more work to do.
I'm sorry, kiddo - I think you're considering starting this up again because you're lonely, and because there's something comfortable and familiar about this relationship. But since you've grown (and you're continuing to grow), it won't be long before you realize you've outgrown the need for the kind of partner your ex is capable of being. I'd pass on this, and look for a guy who's better suited to the new you. Good luck.
1Please move on. I think its good you have gone through therapy and remember it takes two for a relationship to function. please try as hard as you can and move on. If it has not worked out for 6 years, maybe you were just meant to be good friends. Good luck!!!
2I think you should move on too, but should you decide to give it another go, keep it ever so casual at first and make sure you do not give me than you get in terms of emotion or commitment. Good luck
3If you successfully broke off a 6-year dead end relationship, please do not get back in it. I think you were affected by nostalgia.
4I would give it a second chance only if he said he loved you with all his heart and asked you to marry him or move in with him. But it never happened and it probably never will.
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