Should I Dump My Best Friend?
I have a best friend of seven years and I am concerned that she is not really a true friend at all. She takes advantage of me by CONSTANTLY asking for rides (and never saying thank you), she invites herself over to my house and will sprawl out on the couch and eat my food, and on occasion she will even blow me off for a date. She treats me like a total pushover when all I want to do is be nice. There are times when it’s hard for me to say “no”, but the people who have known me for a long time (like my best friend) should understand that I am a just a really kind, but at the same time, strong person.
Also, I had to break up with my boyfriend this summer and I avoided his calls for a period of time. I know it wasn’t the best way to handle it but my “best friend” literally told me I was a horrible person and that I was acting like a b*tch for ignoring him. (I couldn’t have been that mean because my ex and I remain close friends). I have always supported her even if I disagreed with her decisions. But through the whole breakup she was completely on my boyfriend’s side. (I even remember a time when she said “No offense but I don’t think he really likes you, I think he just wants a girlfriend.”)
I know it might seem obvious that I should just be done with her, but there are times when she can be really kind, and hilarious, and fun to hang out with. She is the only one of my friends who truly knows the most about me, we tell each other everything. We go out to dinner and hang out almost every other night and we share a close group of friends. And as I get older, I find it more difficult to make friends because I am very shy. I’m worried that if I give up my best friend, it will be hard to find someone else and build an entirely new relationship.
So what do I do? I have a best friend who takes our relationship for granted and considers me a huge pushover who she can walk all over and take advantage of. She can be mean at times by talking about me behind my back to our other friends, or being rude to my face, but I allow her to talk to me like that (for the most part). She should realize that I am just a nice person and a lot of the time I do enjoy giving her rides or hosting get togethers at my house, but not when these acts go totaly unappreciated. I have just invested so much time with her and we have shared some real, wonderful times together. We have been through so much and yet I there are times when I can’t stand the way she treats me. Should I let her go for good? Or should I accept that there is no such thing as a perfect best friend?
Any advice would be great!
Nuance
Ernest Jones
10 Comments
Post a CommentHey Girl.. sounds a lot like one of my "friends" who basically considered me a pushover for the past several years in school. I mean I was always there for her.. when her boyfriend dumped her.. when her mum had cancer.. when she needed lunch money.. when she needed calc help, etc. But She always used me - never said "thanks" - it was always shallow and insufficient on her end. I'm like you my friend, a nice person - so I am to all people. So be civil to your mate - but only that. Don't open up so much anymore - and then there's nothing to lose, and eventually your relationship will just be mere acquaintances that make tedious and awkward small talk.
Slowly become less close with her and eventually dump her.
I understand how you'd be worried that you won't find anyone else who'd be as close to you as she is.
So why don't you try to solve the problems one by one?
First, ask her to phone before she comes over, give her a good reason, like you're getting busier at school/work and you'd like to concentrate without interuptions sometimes, or your parents don't like people to come over without warning. Or tell her that your place is messy for a while and you don't want anyone to see it.
When she does phone you to tell you she is coming over, start to reject her once or twice, like "I'm sorry, I'm just so busy right now", or "I really feel like going out instead, let's meet somewhere."
Distance yourself gradually; drive to the mall, go to the library; tell her "you wouldn't be good company at the moment." She knows too much about to ditch her and you may want to be friends again. Most every one has unbalanced friendships. Sometimes it's time to move on or get some distance.
That's so weird, I just read an article online about "frenemies" which supposedly is basically a girl thing only. It's exactly what you describe, a really close girlfriend who also undermines you or treats you like crap in some ways. You should google it!
Also, agree with the advice to maybe not "dump" her but just distance yourself a bit.
i agree that she sounds a bit immature but you yourself are also saying that you allow her to treat you like this. if she is really your friend and you want to hold on to this relationship, you are going to have to speak up and have a real conversation about these things.
it's never fun to do it but she's not a mind reader and honestly, she may not realize how bad her behavior is. you have to point out specific things to her like you've told us and let her know that while you love her as a friend, the mistreatment has to stop or you won't be able to hang out with her. good luck!
Do you know how people treat complete strangers super politely, but pick at the ones they love and care about? Well either this is the "real" her and she is so insecure and knows you care that she believes she can treat you poorly. if this is the case it is essential to be straight forward and tell her that while you care about her a lot , you also care about yourself and therefore can not under any circumstances allow this behavior any longer. If she acts like a fool when you do this it will tell you she is just in it for herself and never plans to reciprocate in any way. Real friends apologize when they act crappy and mean it1
nicachica is right. If she's your true best friend, you should have been able to talk this out to her and out of this, she will gain awareness in how she's mistreated you, at least, if you told her, you've given her a chance to CHANGE her treatment/behavior toward you.
She may even prove to be a better friend than what you think. Because like arbrabe says, if she SUBCONSCIOUSLY considered you a pushover, and her true nature is to be a "bully," she probably will push you around, darling, but if you let her know what's bothering you in the most polite, decent, nicest BUT DIRECT way, and she wants to understand and gradually changes (or at least tries for you), then she's proven that she IS deserving to be your best friend.
What a dilemma! How funny that I just posted a blog about the SAME EXACT THING! I know what I should be doing but I also know it's hard because you feel like she knows the real you. But I've tried asking myself this- when you are with her, does she bring you down? or is she supportive? If you know your answer then slowly distance yourself from her. I should really take my own advice
you don't need this.
i just went through a similiar situation with my "best friend"
i don't talk to her anymore and i feel sooooo much happier
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