Hi, I just joined after browsing for a bit... it looks like there are wonderful and very intelligent people here. Smiling
First of all, I'm only 20 and I guess this is the first real love I've ever had... or maybe I still haven't. (that's kind of my dilemma..) But I do hope that, despite my age, I don't get too many answers focusing on how young I am, thus how this relationship won't matter much in the long run, how I still have a lot to learn and grow, etc. While I do appreciate the advice and I *know* all of that to be true, it doesn't really change the fact for me, it's very real right now. And I really need help...
The history... long story: I met him 3 years ago and was blown away. I'd been in one painful 9-month relationship before that, and it seemed he was everything I was looking for. Even now I'm still so mesmerized when I think of how it was at the beginning, he had such a powerful genuineness about him, the kind that made me feel so safe and in the moment and spiritually fulfilled, and he was so loving. He wasn't just exactly what I looked for in a guy, he was exactly what I looked for in a friend, in a PERSON. But one month later we fell into some trouble and he ended it really abruptly. Just cut me off without explanation. For the next year I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was crazy. Then I ended up moving to the city he had moved to because of a scholarship, and he confessed that he still had feelings for me and regretted what he'd done. He said he had run into a bad crowd, started doing steroids, and just generally wasn't in a good place at the time. I also came to find out that we had met barely a couple months after he had been dumped by the only girl he had ever loved, ever. He said he hadn't believed in love until he found her. He also said that he hasn't felt the same way about someone else, until me. We dated for about four months after that, then he broke it off again, and again it was completely sudden. Then, a few months after that, he again pursued me. Initially I wouldn't trust him again, but eventually we got back together, and now we've been dating for a year and a half.
Pro's:
1. Um, I kinda love him... I think. That feeling that I mentioned in the beginning... I still see it from time to time. We spend soo much time together now, that it's like we've practically been living together for months, yet still we have these intimate, really tender genuine moments occasionally. My whole life I've been kind of disinterested in most people, but with him, there's like this constant yearning to get to know him more and more, over and over, and just be in that weird, spiritual wavelength where it's just us and this wide unknown full of possibilities.
2. We have a lot of fun together. We laugh a lot, every day, constantly goofing off. We spend a lot of time bored together, because we moved to a new town and neither of us have very many friends or much money. But even being bored with him is somehow fun. We're really good friends, not just boyfriend/girlfriend.
3. We share the same values, for the most part. We share a belief in God, similar outlooks on life, etc.
4. He is a very honest person, and I have this gut feeling that he would never cheat. (And I'm paranoid about that, because my first relationship was with a cheating scumbag) Whenever he goes out drinking with his buddies, he always answers when I call, and comes home to me anyway. When we're out in public or at parties, he completely ignores other girls and seems to be only focused on me.
 
Cons:
1. Regarding number one above... the flipside is, I don't really think he feels the same way. I think he loves me, but I don't think he's IN LOVE with me, or is in... whatever it is that I feel towards him. It's just this gut feeling I have. The rest of the cons go into why I think this feeling is there.
2. Once, a little over a year ago, when we had been dating (again) for just a few months, we got into our first big argument because he said some stuff about looking for "a marriage type relationship" and how he doesn't feel I'm looking for the same thing. I told him I am, maybe, (at the time I wasn't sure I even believed in marriage- now I do) but I think that 'now' is the best indicator of 'future'. Since then my feelings have kind of changed... and look, don't get me wrong, I know I'm way too young to be seriously considering marriage and if he got down on one knee tomorrow it would be a NIGHTMARE, but all I'm saying is that I'd like to feel that he pictures some kind of future with us together. Just to know it's a possibility. But he NEVER talks about anything like that, EVER. The couple times I've tried to bring it up, he's said that he doesn't know if he'll ever get married, and that he just likes being with me, and that he's come to find out that thinking and talking too much about a relationship's future ruins it. But I have this nagging feeling that what he really means is, "I don't know if I'll ever get married... to you." It leaves me feeling that there is absolutely no emotion or thought in him that says, 'This could be it... she's all I want.'
3. This is kind of silly, but he rarely ever does little romantic cute things. I know they're not all that important in the long run, but I feel that the reason why is because he's lacking the emotion that stimulates such gestures. And I'm talking about the bare minimum here... holding hands in public... etc. My birthday was recent and I was out of town and he didn't even call me that day, I had to call him at 11 pm. (apparently he had been sleeping all day from a night of partying) He didn't even buy me a flower. In fact, he's never gotten me any sort of gift for any major holiday, even though I got him some awesome Christmas presents last year. I'm not all that materialistic, I'd just like a card. Made out of macaroni. SOMETHING. It's the thought that counts.... Sometimes he does do minor romantic gestures, but they're few and far between.
4. He's kind of rude sometimes, and insensitive. Example: Once we were out to dinner, and after the waiter left, he started going on and on about how it's so annoying that I customize my order so much, and how embarassing it is and how I'm such a pain in the ass. I mean, he REALLY went off on me, and I was just so stunned that I couldn't help but start crying at the table, and eventually had to go to the restroom. Maybe I'm a little oversensitive, but he is REALLY mean when he wants to be. Maybe it's a little of both, but I wonder about what this means for our 'compatibility'. In the time we've been dating he HAS gotten better about this, and now apologizes profusely when he sees he's hurt my feelings, but only after first getting annoyed with me for "getting butthurt".
5. Sex.... god, this is a big one. I mean, a real heartbreaker. The thing is, when we first started dating, he used to touch me in ways that made me feel... like, wow. But since then, it's like he's lost interest in trying at all. Actually, he's become downright selfish in bed. Most of the time he'll just grab my hand while we're watching TV and put it on his crotch, then say, "Touch my penis." That's LITERALLY how most of our encounters start these days. He pressures me into peforming oral sex on him, but he's gone down on me like three times, ever. He guilt trips me if I leave him with 'blue balls', or if I'm not interested to begin with. He NEVER really touches me down there unless I ask him or pressure him to (and even then he doesn't, most of the time), and he's completely uninterested in foreplay. Once, months ago, he did kind of touch me all over to this favorite song of ours that was playing, and it was like it was in the beginning. But it didn't really go anywhere and then afterward, he said, "That's the first time I've ever *really* touched you." Which just kind of made me feel terrible. I mean, if he was BAD at sex that would be ok, but the real heartbreaker is that he's really GOOD at it, he just doesn't seem to care about pleasuring me. He's said in the past that it makes him feel terrible that he can't make him orgasm, and it seemed to be a big emotional issue for him for a while, until I told him that all the pressure was making it harder for me and that I just liked having fun. So I wonder if that has something to do with it, but I think it's a pretty poor excuse. On top of that, I seem to be way more interested in sexy stuff than he is. Half the time that I'm kind of 'coming onto' him, he pushes me away or makes a joke. He says that his sex drive has just gone way down since he was my age (he's four years older), but again... I don't buy it. Also, we NEVER make out. In fact, he rarely kisses me at all. (though this has gotten kind of better since I've talked to him about it)
6. He's been kind of unreliable in the past. Like, saying he'll do something that I kind of depend on him for, like giving me a ride to the mechanic or doing some kind of home improvement thing, but then never following through, and on top of that, getting annoyed if I ask about it. (See, he's very easily irritated...)
7. We've been dating for 1.5 years and his parents don't know about it. He says that the reason for this is because once, 2 years ago, he ended up going to jail because the two of us were caught with alcohol and he was charged with distributing to a minor, and that since then his mom feels that I'm too young for him. But seriously.... 1.5 years, and I still have to be quiet when he's on the phone with his mom. My own mother, on the other hand, loves him because I do, though they've never met, and paid for us to go on a vacation to California this past summer. I just feel like this is a very bad sign.
8. I don't know quite how to explain this one, but it's kind of like, I have this really strong feeling that if I were to 'adjust' how I act towards him, all of the above con's would be fixed. That is, if I was kind of more 'hard to get'. I know this because occasionally, when he really pisses me off and I genuinely AM 'hard to get', that is, slow to dispense affection, uninterested, etc., all of the above ARE fixed. Also, he has straight up said in one of those joking-but-kind-of-serious tones that he wants what he can't have and that it's more fun that way. I for one am really, really, really looking to move wayyy beyond stupid games of cat and mouse. It's one thing to tease affectionately and playfully, but I am not willing to monitor myself to manipulate him. If he's bored with the relationship unless I do, that's a bad sign.
9. I'm a brunette and he has told me again and again that it would be 'so hot' if I dyed my hair blonde. That ex of his, the one he loved, was a brunette-dyed-blonde. Once he even suggested I get blue contacts. He says he can't help that blue-eyed, blonde girls have always been his thing. Yet I feel... like that's a bad sign. If he loves me, shouldn't he just love.... me? (P.S.- last time I brought this up, he also added that it's important to 'change things up' to keep a long-term relationship fun and sexy.... which kind of plays into #8)
 
So I'm at the point where I'm wondering if I should just cut him loose in order to make room for someone who WILL treat me right. On the other hand, the only other relationships I've been in where in the times we were broken up, and those only lasted a few weeks. I dated some great guys who treated me like I was a princess, but again... just a few weeks. So I'm wondering if my expectations are too high because I don't have another real, lasting relationship to compare to. I mean, I know it sounds like there are way more cons than pros, but I have to emphasize that most of the time, I'm very happy with him. I feel like we have a connection. And I'e tried talking to him about ALL of the cons mentioned. Sometimes it just turns into a fight. Sometimes we have good talks and he really does get better.... for a while. Then kind of goes back to the old pattern. But overall, I do feel it's been getting better. I realize mature relationships take a little bit of effort, but...
I don't know. I just don't. :/ What should I really be asking myself here?