So yeah, I've been having a madly rough time. I've been with my fella for over a year now. It started out as a long distance realtionship (he living in England and I in America). We've been apart most of our relationship until recently. I moved to England.

It turns out that my guy, the one that I love more than anything else in life, wasn't the perfet guy I used to think he was. I have always had trust issues with anyone that I allow close to me. So one day while he was at work, I checked his facebook messages. And it turns out that he had been flirting with many of his close gal pals that he works with. It turns out that he was being very suggestive, like inviting one of the girls over for a naked dressing gown party. He was also commenting on how attractive these girls were. I was a little bit upset about this. So I confronted him about it and he swore up and down that it was harmless flirtations.

Still being a bit "paranoid" if you will, I checked his computer internet history. And it turns out that the entire time I was in America he was checking out girls on myspace. There were at least A HUNDRED pictures of girls on his internet temporary files. I confronted him again about it, and he said that at the time he was merely window-shopping (his exact words). He asked for forgiveness and swore that he only checked out the pictures and masturbated to them....not that he contacted anyone of them. At the time all this was occuring, I had asked him if he was using myspace for any other reason but to contact me and he had said no.

Obviously I was deeply hurt by his lies and deceit. So I was still really paranoid.

Now from the start of this relationship with my guy, I knew that he had a very close friend named Saraid. He described her as a sister to him, even though they had a physical relationship in the past, he swore up and down that he was now just friends with her. This past April my guy had a police interview in the Midlands. And as he lived well over an hours time away from the interview, he decided that he was going to stay at Saraid's house the night before as the interview was in her town. This was before I found out all of the stuff mentioned above, so I did not feel threatened in the slightest bit with him staying at her house. Months after this interview, he revealed to me that he had slept in her bed with her but nothing at all happened.

Then just this month, upon learning about the facebook flirting (also with Saraid) it was revealed that he just accidentally spooned her in the middle of the night (being delirious with sleep). And that he "felt" her breast as part of the spooning.

Now I for one, have the opinion that spooning another woman is cheating, especially if that woman had done things with him. The fact that he merely touched her breast during spooning was very suspicious for me. So in realizing that he had lied to me again over and over, I decided to get in contact with Saraid. At first she wanted to talk to my guy before she would talk to me. When I absolutely refused, I forced her to tell me what exactly happened. At first she lied and said they slept in seperate beds. Then she lied and said that he didn't spoon her. Finally, she revealed that he did in fact spoon her and felt her naked breast (which was shocking for me as apparently according to my guy, she was clothed before they went to sleep). Then she refused to tell me anything else and said "I didn't encourage anything else that happened".

Now my guy swore up and down that he did not have sex with her and that the only thing that happened was the spooning bit, although he disagrees with her breast being naked. So I told him, he was never to contact her again. He was suppose to delete all the pictures of her off of his computer, which I later found out that he "missed" some.

Then as part of that little revelation, I found out that he (sorry if this is too much information) thinks about other women when we're intimate. And it got to the point where he actually turns off the light and covered my face, simply so he could "fully" think of the other women Sad And supposedly they were just some of his celebrity idols (Evangeline Lily, Kristen Bell, Kelly Brooks) that he was thinking about, but it still hurts a lot.

And it's not just that, he's simply addicted to the female physique. Cause the entire time in our relationship, his "eyes" have drifted to other women. He used to use myspace as a way of looking at women, and facebook as well. AND PORN. There were THOUSANDS of times where he went on porn websites, and in just a very short time period (like a month or two).

Now I understand we had a long distance relationship, but trust me when I say, that he was never missing me as I sent him countless pictures and videos.

And I understand that that is a guy thing to do. But in my opinion, if you're in love, then you're not supposed to look at other people. You're supposed to be fully devoted to the person you love. Cause I know that I would never do the things he's done, and I never even look at guys (believe it or not).

And the fact that he has to cover my face up when we're being intimate, just so he can think of other women, really hurts me a lot. It makes me feel inadequate, and the fact that there are so many other girls that he looks at, makes me feel horribly ugly.

And my self-esteem has taken a complete swan dive as well from all of this. Because I never thought there was a problem with the way I looked. I wasn't conceited, but just content. And now, I'd give anything to look like any one of the girls that he idolizes. And it just sucks to realize that I'm not good enough for him. Sad

So with my self-esteem issue and his addiction to women, a lot of things have been forced out of his life. Like porn and we definately can't even watch t.v. now because he will imagine that i'm someone else.

But lately there's been a problem. My sex drive is what many would consider excellent. And I'm proud to admit that I am very good at what I do. But lately my guy has been not into having sex with me, which is VERY ODD as he's addicted to sex. I've found that he's been wanting more oral lately, which is okay but he's not at all even attempting to return the pleasure in anyway shape or form.Then the other day, I wanted to have sex and he literally GROANED!! And when we do have sex, he doesn't look at my face when he's having an orgasm. Not to mention that he can't keep it hard for me anymore. He swears that it's just him, because he's upset that he's been "cumming too fast" during sex.

But I've noticed that he's been masturbating in his sleep. Which is a little shocking for me, I'll admit. But this morning, I suggested that he watch porn (for the first time in months) as a way to show him that I want to start trusting him again. After pathetically trying to say no that he didn't miss it, he gave in and immediately went to his favorite website. Then I proceeded to help him out Eye-wink and I swear that I have never seen him that hard. And he imediately went to a video showing the type of girl that he used to check out on myspace and whatnot.

So again I'm at this point where I hate the way I look. Cause if I could look like anyone of the billions of girls, maybe he'd actually want and desire me! What's wrong?