I wish I could be happy for my mom. She says she is happy, but her boyfriend is tearing our family apart.

Jealousy is not an issue with the new boyfriend, but other things really bother me. He is an alpha male who has no respect for anyone else or their property. He gets extremely angry and verbally abusive if anyone even touches anything of his, yet he throws mine and my brothers things around wherever he likes and has even thrown out some of our belongings. Many times when he has moved/trashed my things, he has blamed it on my brother, saying that he stole them. He constantly lies to my mother, usually making my brother or myself look like the bad guy in situations. He once burst into my room with an electrician while I was changing. I was embarrassed and so upset that I told him to get the F* out of my room. I complained to my mother asking for privacy, and it turns out he had told her that he stood outside my door, knocked, and waited until I let him in. I bought a lock for my door later that day.

He also yells and bullies until he gets his way. Point in case, he made my mother get rid of her dining room set that has been in our family for quite a few generations (which she had recently reupholstered herself -my mother doesn't ever do things like that) so he could have his cheesy, 1980's inspired set that doesn't match anything in the house. He also got extremely angry one year on my birthday. I had just gone through a very bad breakup a few nights before, and called off my party with friends. I asked my mom to stay home with me and have a movie night instead of going to a bbq at his relatives house (whom my mom does not like, and they don't like my mom). He was very upset that she chose to stay with me instead of go with him.

Besides the attitude he has, he also likes to drink...a lot. He is quite possibly an alcoholic and a chain smoker (who smokes inside the house despite my mother's request not to). I asked him to take it outside once (on a warm summer night), and he responded by blowing smoke in my face and telling me that if I didn't like it I could go outside. He's gotten 2 DUI's, and only lost his license for 1 year. This makes me worry about my mother's safety sometimes, as he still seems to have no reservations about having a few drinks and driving. He only got his license back after bribing a worker to fill in the answers to his driving test (he is a quite scary driver).

My brother is very non-confrontational, and while he still lives at home, he chooses to never be there except to sleep so he doesn't have to deal with this man. I on the other hand, had enough with his constant lying about me, verbal abuse when my mother's back was turned, and disrespect shown to myself and my belongings, so I stopped holding back, and fought back when he picked a fight. I know it wasn't the high road, but It was 7 days a week or torture, and it was taking a toll on me emotionally. I chose to go to college 4 hours away from home and settled myself down 6 hours from home so I wouldn't have to deal with him.

The only reason I'm bringing this up now is because my mom came to visit me last weekend. Unfortunately he came too. He was rude to me the whole visit, and refused to let me have time alone with her. He also dragged her with him to see some of his relatives (a last minute idea of his), while she really wanted to have dinner and do something with me that night (he argued with her until she gave in). I know there's most likely nothing I can do to make my mother see the person everyone else sees he is, as they've been together for 4+ years, but I just needed to get this out of my system.

Christmas is fast approaching, and I don't want to go home just to have him get under my skin, but I also don't want to break my mom's heart. So how do I deal with him? Any tips or advice?