Hey all,
I have an almost perfect relationship with a foreign guy for 18 months now.In the beginning I wasn't sure he'd stay in my country for good due to his job, but soon the situation got stable and we both feel happy.
Last year I bought a new apartment that needed lots of remodeling work and left my old one, we stayed living together, and so we are since July 2009.Now that the apartment is almost ready, we talked and agreed about moving in, because it seems like the logical step, we get along really well, travel a lot and almost never fight...almost, there's one ongoing unsolved problem that torments our relationship: his ex.He says they're just friends, and though I truly believe that he means that, I had the impression that she still loves him.The 3 of us met in September 2008, when she met me she was almost aggressive to me and made no effort to be pleasing.I could understand she didn't like the idea of being replaced, but I wasn't aggressive in any way.
A few weeks later he went to work abroad for an entire month, and so when he came back he stayed at my place for 3 days.At the same time she came to our country to spend a few weeks in the sun, so she stayed at his place during his absence.Since she's not working for 2 or 3 years due to some kind of chronic disease, she has lots of spare time.She was offended he didn't meet her, she didn't understand we needed some time together after being apart for so long.
I thought it was only fair as on that same Monday, he was going to go back to their country to spend Christmas with her family(!)So what's wrong to have those 3 days reserved to me, since I'm his girlfriend?It was hard to let him go and having him spend Christmas with her family and leaving me behind.There was nothing I could say or do to stop him from going, and I thought several times of breaking up when he came back...I didn't.
We talked a lot, I forgave him and we agreed that he would give her some time off for her to get used to the idea of him being with me.After that time, they haven't seen each other or been together, so it's more than one year now.She didn't like the attitude and feels I'm interfering with their relationship.
He doesn't have many friends and he says she's his best friend and that he wants to meet up with her for a weekend to patch things up.I'm not invited for that weekend because it will make her feel uncomfortable and they won't have the chance to talk.
I'm uncomfortable with the fact that he thinks it's so important and wants to spend the weekend with her, but mostly I'm hurt because I feel like he's putting her before me...yet again.I think he needs to prioritize now that he's in a relationship, but am I just being unfair and insecure?He thinks I'm trying to keep him from a close friend, I don't want to be unfair...what do you think?
Anita
P.S. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and to answer 
Alexander Wang
StyleBop
Francesco Biasia
wow... first... it is a close friend and can be a very touchy subject... BUT it is a friend he had more than a laugh and a beer with over the years.
i would be very weiry on this specific relationship... there's isnt much to you can do without it escalating into something absurd.
personally i would not be told i could not come and be done with it... but then there is the space issue as well and being able to be with friends.
this is a tough one but just as a personal opinion ... i wouldnt have it.
1I think that you not liking this situation is completely normal. In my opinion, being friends with an ex is ok... but only if you respect your current girlfriend's feelings as well. Personally, I would not be cool with my boyfriend spending a great deal of time with his ex, and I would definitely not be ok with him spending time alone with her.
You also mentioned that this ex is not nice to you AND your boyfriend went to spend time with her and her family over Christmas? What? I think this completely inappropriate. It sounds to me like your boyfriend has worked it out so that he can basically have you and hang on to his relationship with his ex as well (ex: weekend visits with her that you are not invited to, etc).
I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about all of this and explain what you are and are not comfortable with. But I would definitely get out of the relationship if he is not willing to be a little less "friendly" with his ex.
2Anita, you said it already: three is a crowd. ask him what he wants out of this relationship with his ex? what does he want out of this relationship with you? you should let him know this little love triangle and private weekend thing is disrepectful to you. what is it that they have to talk about that is so secret and important that you can't be there or know about? it sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too.
you deserve better than a sneaky boyfriend. if he can't give you a straight answer or seems confused about what he wants it's probably time you start thinking more about yourself and letting him be.
3I think your concern is completely legitimate. In a loving relationship, concern for the other persons happiness is paramount; that being you. This should be your boyfriend's primary concern; not the ex girlfriend's happiness. He should be considerate of you as his current best friend; no the ex gilfriend. I don't think they have let go of their past relationship just yet.
4Thanks for the answers
5We've discussed this 3 times now, I really want to see this subject behind my back, but I seem to have ran out of arguments...it's hard to talk about something that you see so clearly to someone who has a completely different point of view.
I'm clueless about the action I should take and I just wished he could change his mind...
Let's see what happens.
Well, Anita, you've posted the same post twice. Gotten similar reaction (he's not behaving properly for someone who's in a serious relationship) from different members of sugar network, and yes, our sugar network is international, so you see, a lot of people from other culture think that what he's doing is inappropriate and your concern is legitimate based on your post.
But anyhow. Tell him to read people's answers here and your post. We all don't know both of you. In fact, let him post his own version here, too if he thinks your post can be misleading online posters.
6I think you're trying too hard to NOT see reality, Anita... you can't make him see it your way because he has no interest in what you want. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but why should he care what you want if you'll stay with him regardless of what he does? Sure, you'll whine a little, but if you're going to put up with it and still give him the goods, why should he give up what he wants at all?
7Anita,
You said,
"...I'm clueless about the action I should take..."
--> What choices do you have?
8Hey you all,
So I gathered some of your suggestions and showed my post to him...
He was surprised with all your answers and so we talked a bit more...this time was faster.
Also he pointed out for the negativity of the answers and how nobody quoted the parts where I said we have an " almost perfect relationship" or "we both feel happy".
I hadn't much more to say than to repeat what I had already told him, I'm quite ok with him having his friends (regardless of the sex), I don't think it's harmful to keep is ex as a friend, as long as there are no weekends together without me or sleepovers when he goes there...and he said simply "yes"...I couldn't believe it for a minute or two
So it's solved...all is well when it ends well.
Thanks to all of you!
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