I have discovered I have an urgent need to get my story out there. Keep in mind, as you read this, it's not fictitious. And, for those of you who are planning to give this a read, it will be a long one, as I have journeyed into a voyage of self-discovery that has been 10 years in the waiting.

I fell in love at the age of 18. Yes, it happens. And, yes you are blinded. You are young and stupid, that remark holds true. Mind you, the ride wasn't smooth....that should have warned me, but no...I convinced myself I couldn't live without him. The wedding date was set for a day after my High School graduation. Let me explain, that the man I knew then, is not the man he is now. It wasn't a difference of night and day...the changes are subtle, but I think they were only that way to not scare me away. When our love was "new" he would take me out, have fun, live. But hindsight is always 20/20. And I notice now 10 years later, that he wasn't planning on staying that way. He is, after all, a fairly religious man, who doesn't agree with parties where people get drunk, and have fun (yeah.) I don't drink either, never have, never plan to, but that doesn't mean that going out with some friends is something fun to do on Saturday nights. He hardly has any friends, and now I understand why. Again, it took me 10 years to realize that he doesn't go out with friends either, because no one can share his idea of living the life of an 80-year old in a 34-year old's body. I've digressed. Let's stay on topic. Flashback to my Graduation night. I felt like I was on a high. My wedding was the next day, and all my High School friends would be able to witness it, even though I shocked most of them. Because they know me, and they wondered if this is what I should be doing. They announced the Class of 1999, and we jumped as far as our hearts could carry us....and I turned to my friend (he's a guy) whom I've known since Kindergarten, and we hugged; he was just as jolly as I was, and my then, husband-to-be-the-next day, lost it. He threw all types of insults in my direction. The only part that I am thankful about of that nightmare is that it was so loud at the moment, that the only people who noticed this, were my close family members. You would think that would have been enough to embarrass me, but I'm just thankful they were the only ones who noticed. Till this day, when I see my friend, I feel this shame, not because I hugged him, but because I'm afraid he noticed. He didn't, but he can see how I now act in front of him.. That I can hardly say hello. That I practically avoid him. That was tragedy number one. The next tragedy occurred the next day, after I apologized (YES, APOLOGIZED!), and even as I write this, I am crying. And, after my dad told me he would cancel the wedding, I was steadfast in continuing this nightmare. I convinced myself that I could be this person he wanted. Big mistake. He married someone who had no interest other than that....and now I am discovering I haven't just convinced the world, but myself, that I could do it. Again, in hindsight, I now notice why certain people were not exactly thrilled at the idea of me marrying him...I can even recall some looks of pity...like they knew me more than myself...they knew I was convinced and determined.

Now, when you think you've heard it all...the story goes on. On occasion, he would lose his temper, and yes, I have been beaten. I recall at one point, curling into a fetal position to avoid being beaten on the face. I cried myself to sleep, and forgave him the next day....another mistake. I can't even remember why he lost his temper. And that excludes the handful of slaps I have received across the face, the latest to caress me, was after my two children were born. And he had the audacity to slap me in front of my son. You won't believe me if I tell you that my main concern was not how my son would react at such atrocity, but if he would tell my parents. (I now wish he had). The latest horror to grace my life is when he lost his temper with my (our) son, and shocked everyone, because my parents were present. I convinced myself, and even my parents that "he had it coming" for being rude to his father. My mother, on the other hand, (who lacked to show me how to stand up for my rights in my youth) shouted all obscenities at him. She could not believe the monster I am married to. Yes, he felt horrible, yes he apologized, and tried to make up for what he had done. But I notice that children are smarter than most adults. I feel like he loves his father, not because he wants to, because he has to. And I find my son and I are one and the same. He never takes them (or us as a family) on spur of the moment fun (ie zoo, ice cream...nothing). I either have to bring it up, and plan it, or take them myself. He just can't be bothered to think of ways of having fun. So the kids don't enjoy time with him....leading to the fact that they don't even like for him to "babysit" them when I go out to a movie with a friend. And that's my limit, by the way...just hanging out at some random spot is not "allowed." So my mom is always left with the task to watch them, even though their father is "available" to do so. Now....the symbolism of it all....my husband has to travel for 2 weeks, during which time, my best friend's (almost a sister) sister will be graduating EXACTLY 10 YEARS after my tragic event, and from the same school. We didn't plan a High School reunion, but I feel like this is mine. I will tell my husband before he leaves that I plan to attend, (I can't say if he would have denied me that, but I would like to see his reaction) and in my heart, I keep telling myself that I don't care if he says no. There will be, after all, LOTS of hugging Eye-wink I plan to go, come what may. I have reached my nerve's end. I have been suffocating myself for 10 years. I do not plan to anymore. And, we've talked about my emotions before, but never to the extreme I tell you now, only to have him mock me, and tell me that these are "ideas we get from books and movies." HA!! He practically blames my reading for these changes in me. And when I mention to him how I feel lonely, he mocks me. So now, he feels the pressure, barely 5 days before he leaves, telling me I don't show any emotion. Well, I am only showing how I feel: Dead. I have acted for way too long, let things get way out of hand. So now, all these emotions are making the old scars bleed again, and I realize that I never forgave him, and I am happy he is leaving. He sees it. My life is a mess, and it's only getting worse, if such a thing could exist. Now I am left with questions I ask myself and can't answer. My apologies for such a long blog, but it's been a long time coming.