So obviously this is a bit weird to me, being a guy and going on a group therapy website for it, but I thought it'd give the best un-tainted views on the matter over all of our mutual friends.
Long story short from this weekend. I've been friends with this girl for about 5 years now, from highschool. I moved to a different state but we keep in contact. I had been planning to go back to my original state this past weekend for a family function, and she invited me to stay with her. (Like my vagueness?)
So, come Saturday we're hanging out at her house watching scary movies, drinking, and shes laying up on me on the couch, just like the old days. Nothing happens. Come Sunday night, we're hanging again, drinking and cuddling. Her and I have always joked sexually with eachother, so when we got on the topic of breasts and she told me that I could touch hers if I wanted, I thought she was joking; she wasn't. I hesitently did it real fast and she said "Is that it?" in a jokingly manner.
Lil bit later, I actually did a bodyshot off of her. Things are going great in my eyes. I then did what I should have done in highschool, and kissed her, she kissed back. Waited a little bit and we did it again. I go for the third, she pulls away and says she can't, she's back with her ex. She says she had to go to the bathroom so she went upstairs, but I could hear her on her cell telling someone what happened. She came back downstairs and said she had to be up early and it'd be best if I slept at my parents hotel for the night. I obliged.
So, her best friend is actually dating my bestfriend meaning I have the inside scoop. I find out that she told her friend that after the first kiss she told me no, but I still went for the other two. She also said that the body shot was from the night before, and made no mention of the, well, boob grab. She told her friend that she thought I would have made a move Saturday when we were both wasted, which is exactly why I didnt make a move. She also said that I've always been there for her through thick and thing and she thinks this just made the friendship awkward.
This all happened this past weekend. We haven't spoken since. I'm debating if I should call or not call. Keep in mind, pretty much best friends for 5 years. So... what do I do?
Vicenza
Um, so why is she flirting with you and "laying up on you" on the couch & letting you touch her boob if she has a boyfriend?? Do you know for a fact she has a bf? Maybe she just quickly said it if she all of a sudden got freaked out & didn't know what to do.
1I think shes just playing with you. Seems like you guys both like each other, just no one has ever made a move, & she probably never expected you to. Your just someone safe that she likes the attention from.
I agree with pink about how she's just messing with you. It's unfair to you and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Do you have feelings for this girl? If you do, you really just need to move on, because it's not right to put yourself through her teasing. It seems like she feels guilty about the kisses because she lied about them. As for the calling her...she probably will try to call you herself, especially if she's the tease she comes off as. If you call her she'll just use it as more bogus evidence to the fact that you stole those kisses after she said no. So, I suggest waiting till she starts missing you and she calls you to talk to her at all.
2First of all - you did the right thing when you declined to take advantage of the situation when the two of you were drunk. Young men, hormones, alcohol, mixed signals....a lot of guys wouldn't have shown the same restraint. You did the right thing, you should be proud of that....and that makes you seem like a good guy to me.
This young lady, however...I'm sensing a bit more behind this girl's actions - like calculation. It's weird that she would stop what she was doing with you to make a phone call - about what she was doing with you. And then to lie about what was going on (making you the aggressor) - it sure seems like she was anxious to get her version of events out there. And really, there was no reason to involve anybody else in what happened - it was between you and her. It seems to me that if she had any respect for you, she would have kept the matter private.
So I don't know, maybe she was trying to get her bf jealous, and decided to use you to do that. It's always difficult to try to put logic around behavior that just doesn't make sense. So where do you go from here? I guess being close friends for five years is worth a conversation to try to straighten all this out. But if she's a friend worth keeping, she needs to own what she did - and that means she needs to tell the people she lied to the truth - in your presence. If she's not willing to do that, forget her - she may have been your best friend in high school, but this is who she is today. Good luck.
3I have to agree with the other gals here. Seems like you are very comfy with each others company. May be she did get freaked out, but in a cute, sexy way..thinking you would never act upon it. This is very cute...call her. After 5 yrs of being bf's you should be able to talk about dam near anything..
4I know you consider her to be a bff-type after 5 years but be honest, do you actually have a crush/carry a 'torch' for this girl?
And if you do, you do know you can't be bff with someone while crushing on her, you won't be able to move on to others who may be deserving of your affection.
My suggestion will differ with the others who claim you can work it out with her after 5 years.
If you want to 'salvage' anything. You need to let her call you first and initiate contact and make sure that the two of you hang out in PUBLIC places from now on without doing anything 'private' like that again.
Here's what I think is wrong, she's got a bf but she intentionally 'tempted' you. Then, she was telling 'lies' (or half-truths) to her friends (and yours).
This is good recipe for unnecessary drama and disaster.
She's portraying you negatively. The implication was that you 'FORCED' her after she said 'no'. Familiar with that concept yet? And it just takes a little bit of extra lies and gossip via the grapevine (mutual friends and more) to make it all blown out of proportion that you tried to 'force' yourself on her when she's drunk.
How would you like to be branded that 'creepy' a-hole/jerk guy friend who's crushing on a 'taken' woman to the point her current bf will feel so threatened and upset with you (oh if this reached him, he'll be all 'heck no, he's hitting on my woman-I'm going there to beat him up)?
Not to mention, your so-called bff during this time can easily turn around and make you an 'enemy' too (probably will be saying how you used to be so nice but it turned out you're obsessed with her and how you forced her, etc etc).
I hate to say this, in this society (although I'm a girl), there are instances when girl cries 'rape' although in reality it really isn't. In fact, I just heard it on the news today, the dude was jailed until she finally confessed that she's lied.
You can become that guy real quick if you don't watch yourself. And if you're not that type, protect yourself from getting that reputation too.
Reputation is rather important because bad ones will bite you one day, when you're in love with some girl, and she heard a story about how you 'forced' another girl to be 'intimate' (again, gossip is always overblown), etc, what do you think she'll do? Yep, she'd probably run for the hill.
Good luck, man.
5Five years? If nothing has happened yet, it's not ever going to. Keep her at a distance. She is not going to pursue any relationship with you outside of friendship. I don't like hearing what she said about your evening together. Some friend.
6Hmph, don't know why my original reply hasn't been approved?
Yes, I do know she had a boyfriend at the time, and while I know it was a bad decision on my behalf, I was going off what was happening at the moment.
I actually called her a little while after writing this thread, and the conversation was a little, well... confusing.
Did the general chit chat, then asked "So how about Sunday?"
She said "I'm not ready to talk about that with you yet"
Me- "Well then where does that leave us?"
Her- "You're one of my best friends, so I can't get mad about what happened, but I thinks it's best if I have some time to think over it, which I guess is a good thing that you live out of state"
Last time her and I had a bout a few years ago, we (she) didn't speak for 3 months, even though we lived only a mile from eachother. I don't have high hopes for resolving this one now that we're states apart.
Thanks for the advice though!
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