I am having some issues with my boyfriend. He is extremely jealous even though I've never given him any reason that I want to be with someone else. I don't flirt with other people, I don't ever hang out with other people unless he's with me (I honestly don't have any desire to), I'm pretty busy anyways so really, no time to go out. Last year, I started school (after a few years break) and of course, I made some friends, males and females. Whenever I would come home after school, he would always ask me if anyone flirted with me at school. He also used to go through my phone, check my text messages and go through my phone book, if he sees a new name, he would ask who that person is and if that person is good looking. I've told him that I don't like it when he goes through my phone and he'd ask, 'r u hiding something?' I wasn't hiding anything and I'd tell him its my phone and he's snooping then he'd say, 'u can go through my phone whenever u want too because I have nothing to hide' but see, I don't want to because it's his phone, not mine. It's like, whatever I say, he would always turn it around and act like i'm hiding something from him.
Last night, a childhood friend called me. My boyfriend answered my phone because I wasn't in the room (it was fine because I have nothing to hide). So my friend and I talked for about 45 mins. Now, this friend, I've known him since before I was born. Our families knew each other, him and I and a bunch of my cousins used to play together when we were little. I haven't seen or talked to this guy for over 10 years. He got my phone number from my cousin so he called wanting to know how I'm doing, etc. When I was done talking to my friend, my boyfriend told me that if I can talk to some guy for 45 mins, then it would be ok for him to talk to a girl from his high school. He told me last night after I spoke to my friend that last week, a girl from high school emailed him and he was contemplating if he should respond or not because he doesn't want me to 'freak out' if I find out he's talking to some girl from his past. I've explained to him that my friend lives in another country, he was a childhood friend, nothing ever went on with this guy and that Ive always considered him as my older brother because I don't have any brothers. My boyfriend said it didn't matter and he kept saying, 'i just don't want u to freak out if u find out i'm talking to this girl.' I told him he can talk to whoever he wants, men or women, I don't own him. He doesn't need my permission to do anything. A few weeks ago, when he told me that his ex-gf emailed him and he emailed her back, I did not 'freak out.' In fact, I was really calm (he knew I hated this girl) but I told him that I wasn't very happy that he wrote her back, also, I never told him to stop talking to her. I was hoping he'd get my point. My boyfriend said that it was very immature the way I acted when he told me about this girl from his high school. How was I supposed to act? He made it seem like I can't have any friends unless he approves of them. I don't have many friends as it is. It's not because I chose to not have any friends, it's because of my boyfriend's jealousy. It sucks not having many friends. I mean, I don't need a bunch of friends, just people I could talk to once in a while.
I don't know how to explain to my boyfriend that he shouldn't be jealous of anyone. He's all I want and all I need. He is a very good-looking guy and in fact, sometimes I feel like he's out of my league. Women always check him out wherever we go. I just don't get y he gets so jealous and possessive. I know he could easily replace me if he wants. I'm not the jealous type, not unless if I think the other girl is a threat. But my boyfriend should know my by now, considering we've been dating for 22 months!
I need help. I need to know how to explain to him he should stop being jealous. I need to know how not to make him jealous without getting rid of the couple of friends I have left. Ive offered to introduce him to these people, u know, but he doesn't want to meet them. I'm not supposed to choose between my boyfriend and friends. Ahhhh..... I don't know what to do.
Vicenza
"He's all I want and all I need" "I feel he's out of my league"
Two things going on here, blatantly obvious.
The first thing is that your boyfriend is dangerously insecure and controlling and the second thing is that you have serious self-esteem issues. Unfortunately, these two things are seen often in relationships, because no one with a shred of self-esteem would put up with an emotionally controlling and manipulative person like your boyfriend.
He is a typical emotional abuser. He isolates you from others, yet he turns it around and makes it seem like it's your "fault" because he doesn't "trust" you. Listen, it is NOT NORMAL to be with someone who doesn't want you to have friends. He might as well lock you in a cellar and shove food under the door. He is so manipulative, the whole tit-for-tat bit with the old girlfriend....I'm sorry, but that is just scary.
YOU need to realize that you are accepting this abuse, because that's what it is. He has potential physical abuser and stalker written all over him. I strongly suggest you leave him now and seek counseling. This guy is a time bomb.
Oh, and BTW, just because he is good-looking doesn't mean he's not a psycho. Ted Bundy was good-looking too.
1I agree with jazzy and I'm wondering if you are dating my ex. Get away from this guy as fast as possible. You won't truly realize the situation you're in until you get away from it . This relationship has dangerous and disfunctional written all over it.
2He might have had someone cheat on him in the past, or some feeling like that. So now he'll be looking over his shoulder and your cell phone for the rest of your life. Unless you can take it forever you are going to have to stop it. You need to approach him on the subject many times and let him know it makes you feel terrible, maybe even frightened. You seem like you have become like a prisoner in your own home having to defend yourself. The part about the old ex he emailed is childish and ugly reciprocation for something you didn't deserve. You are a secure person, and he is not. One thing you could do if you feel like it's worth salvaging is let him talk to any guy friends you have. Put their numbers on his phone. Ask him if he would like to speak to them. But basically no one deserves to be treated like you in this situation. It could get worse and that worries me for you.
3I don't think he is emotionally abusing you. I do think that this guy needs more reassurance than you are giving him. You should tell him that you love him very much, and have no intention on hurting him or cheating on him. Explain that having your own cell phone and talking to people does not mean you are out doing something bad. Reiterate that the people you talk to are not threats. Tell him that he is hot, and so amazing, and you are seriously shocked that he would even think you would go for someone else. He has a right to know who you talk to. Especially of the opposite sex. It IS a big issue, and it DOES help people feel secure. If my BF wanted the phone number of every guy I know and speak to frequently, I would give it to him. Vice versa, of course. But then remember to say that if he can't respect your privacy and if he can't get his emotions under control, and if he REALLY believes you are cheating on him -- ask him why he feels the need to stay with you. I just think he's insecure, or might have gotten screwed in the past. It may come off as him not wanting you to have friends, etc., but I truly just feel like he is scared.
4I agree with JazzyTummy. This guy sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive. Men who are controlling initially try to isolate a girl from her friends and sometimes even their family, and it is all based on their own insecurities. It is much easier to control and manipulate someone when they do not have a support system to fall back on. From your description of this guy, he sounds kind of scary to me.
"He made it seem like I can't have any friends unless he approves of them. I don't have many friends as it is. It's not because I chose to not have any friends, it's because of my boyfriend's jealousy." That is scary, scary scary that you are willing to forgo all friendships because he is jealous. Seriously take a step back from this situation and imagine how you would feel if your best friends bf made her stop talking to you and all of your other friends because he was too jealous? I think that you would tell her to get the hell away from this guy. You will never,ever be able to change his jealousy problems and I would seriously suggest that you walk away from this guy. Because if you do not, you will end up with no friends and no one in your life to depend on but him. Once that happens, he can treat you like a piece of crap but you won't leave because there will be no one left to go to. GET OUT NOW! I hope that you really think about what I have said.
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world." Buddha
5Your boyfriend sounds like a piece of work.
People are often suspicious or jealous when they have something to hide themselves.
If this were me, I'd run from this loser.
6If your boyfriend isn't already physically abusive, he probably will be in the future. What you're describing is not normal and it's not okay. Break up with him and move on.
7i completely agree with luisa. youre really downplaying the situation and he is the type of guy that makes you feel bad about yourself nad like you can't do any better. i was in a relationship like that years ago and this scenario you just explained to us is identical to what i had go on. it escalated to him cheating on me a million times then apologizing later on when i finally broke up with him and crying and hysterics then when i didnt cave in it went back to the blame game and how i provoked everything and how he did what he did and talked to certain people because i talked to certain people. its never going to get better. it will only escalate from there. you need to get out now. and you only think hes out of your league because youre letting him talk down to you and make you feel like he is. get rid of this loser.
8There are three possible reasons for this:
1. He was cheated on in the past, and didn't see it coming. Or a girl that he really cared for dumped him out of the blue and he hasn't learned how to trust yet. He may also have had very few relationships, so all his advice is coming from the TV and movies that say that women sleep around a lot, or flirt all the time, or just something that's given him and unrealistic view of relationships. However, he IS trying, really hard, for someone who has been shaken as badly as he has, and he wants the relationship to be mutual, so he keeps asking your permission for contacting other women to give you some control over him as well... basically (in his mind this ISN'T what's going on, if this is the right senario) while he takes control from you (like befriending men that he doesn't know about) he desperately tries to give you your control back by offering up what he sees as "the same thing" from himself.
If #1 is right, then the best thing you could do is to offer for him to meet your guy friends, friend them on facebook, call them, be friends too. Hang out as a group. Show him off. You saying nice things in the privacy of your home is one thing, but flaunting him as your "super awesome boyfriend" in public could build up his trust and self-esteem. However, this ONLY works if #1 is right, and you should ask him about his past relationships (girlfriends and family... see if his father or mother left suddenly or his parents got divorced because of cheating, or if any of his past girlfriends have dumped him out of the blue or cheated on him) before attempting it.
2. He's an emotional abuser. He's trying to beat you down and make you think you're a bad person and a cheating wh*re and should stay inside at all times, lest you stray from him. He hasn't gotten that far yet, but it could potentially. He may have "chose you" BECAUSE he's the type of person you precieve to be "out of your league" and the fact that you keep thinking this way makes him feel more empowered to be abusive. He tries to mask it using the whole tit-for-tat method and offering you to riffle through his phone, but that's just him trying to mask his abuse.
For #2 the best thing you can do is to just leave. Ask him about past relationships and if all of them seemed to be fine and dandy (or like the women were in similar situations to you), then he's probably an abuser. Maybe even contact one of his ex's and ask how he was in that relationship as well. But, if he is the abuser, then drop the relationship. You sound like you have some low self-esteem and work on picking it back up, because this guy is either in your league, or you're in a higher one than him (MILES higher if he's abusing you)... there are no leagues in dating. It's who chooses who that matters, not what social standing they are in.
9*two.
10Been there...let this guy go. He has issues and cheating behind your back I can bet on it. When people get defensive and start questioning your friends, that means they themselves are the one hiding something. It's as if this dude is trying to start a fight with you so he can break up or you will. All out of guilt. Trust me.
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