I thought women usually had problems mainly with their mother in laws.
My problem is my retired father-in-law-to-be. Father in law tends to buy a one-way ticket - often leaving his wife at home - the day before he travels and just informs us he's turning up. Leaving my partner and I to buy a return ticket - not by mutual consent mind you (my partner bleats that his father is "just trying to help" or "that's just the way he is" in response to my every objection) - but usually because I've had to nag for a week or two to get it, causing problems between the pair of us. This last time his father stayed for 6 weeks in total. If I didn't nag or make things unpleasant he would almost certainly stay for 3-4 months at a time several times a year.
The guy isn't mean-spirited though, I'll grant him that. Just rather strange, interfering and rude. He does strange things like excercising without a shirt on outside the kitchen window several times a day (a 75 year old man that I barely know...) and telling me that he wants to poison himself. It, frankly, makes me rather uncomfortable. Then there's the giving his opinion (or rather telling his son what to do) in every aspect of our lives. Not only that but he's wanting to be in on decisions like what furniture we buy and I caught him putting a nail into the living room wall the other day to hang a picture he'd bought WITHOUT ASKING. We don't have kids, but he's constantly commenting on the way I discipline our dog and I overheard him asking our cleaning lady whether she knew anyone who could take our cat the other day while she politely asked whether I was okay with this. He insisted it was not a problem! When I questioned my partner about whether this was acceptable behavoir, he simply said that his dad doesn't like us having a cat in the house, so thought he'd help by trying to get rid of it!? By asking our cleaning lady?!?
This is not to mention his ridiculous misinformed and misjudged ideas. He has said some pig-ignorant things about a disabled member of my family and is constantly making racist and homophobic comments and expecting me to back him up. It makes me squirm to have to politely reply that I do not agree, when I want to say exactly what I think... OF HIM!!!
He's constantly referring to "our" home and what will "we" do about things that frankly don't concern him. I feel as if I'm not just marrying my partner but also his parents!
To explain my particular frustration about this situation - I moved in with my partner several months ago after 3 years of living a long distance relationship. We decided to do this after much discussion and because someone had to make the move since we're planning to get married soon. Moving in with just him was already stressful enough, as I am used to being massively independent and living on my own. I had to give up a very good job and my appartment in order to do this. I was aware that his parents were around alot and treat him like a little child and our house as their own (he is 40, I'm 31), my partner's father even greeted my parents the first time they met - who by the way had come to visit me - with "welcome to our home", much to my mother's bemusement. When I insisted that I would not move in with my partner if his (retired) parents carried on visiting as often or for as long periods he reassured me it would not be a problem, they were just there to help. Since moving 5 months ago they, or at least one of them, have been here for 3 of those. When they're not here they get upset if they don't talk to me on the phone at least every other day, when I speak to my own parents every other week!
We have therefore had very little privacy since I moved in with him (me who cannot even stand the intrusion of having my own family visit for more than a weekend - which I was clear about). We even get woken up by his father in the morning and my partner gets told off if he is late setting off for work!! As someone said, it is almost like his father is competing with me for his attention.
Since moving I have tried to talk to my partner about it and it is as if he doesn't want to hear. I am getting to the point where I'm going to call off the wedding if he doesn't do something about the situation. I can't even imagine how bad things are likely to get if we have kids!! I already feel like I'm being slowly suffocated.
Intrusive father in law
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Rocket Dog
I'm not really sure whether there was a point to all that. Just wanted to get it off my chest, as obviously I don't want to share this problem with friends and family.
I'd also like to hear from others who are in a similar situation or who have advice as to how to resolve it without causing too much friction.
1First off your partner should stand up for you and your shared household. He needs to let his parents know that they're staying over for weeks at a time and showing up unannoucned for extended stays is no longer acceptable.
If he won't do it and you're dead set on staying with him then you need to say something. It won't make you very popular with the family but I don't think that's much of an issue for you.
There really is no way to resolve this without any friction. The parents need to be told that they are overstepping thier boundries by a mile.
Good luck!
2Force your fiance to listen to your concerns and take them into consideration, and if he doesn't, call off the wedding.
While I'm sure your fiance is a great guy, do you think you can live with his parents for the rest of your life?
3Your problem is your fiance, not his parents. He needs to draw the line with them, and he clearly is unwilling to do that.
I suggest you ask yourself how much your fiance really wants this marriage. You stated that you had to be the one to move, giving up a good job and your apartment (perhaps you'll have to give up your pet before all is said and done), and your fiance willingly allows his parents to infringe on your home - all over your objections. I'm sorry, but it sounds like he values his relationship with his parents - not his relationship with you.
I suggest you take a hard look at yourself, and ask why you find such a selfish and immature man so appealing. Or, you could always keep avoiding "friction" (a.k.a. denying the problem) and start looking forward to your life as a doormat.
4Yep, your fiance needs to go to bat for you to resolve the situation.
5Completely agree with Honey and Notinthemood, it is up to your fiance to put a halt on this behavior.
And, Honey's quote: 'I suggest you take a hard look at yourself, and ask why you find such a selfish and immature man so appealing. Or, you could always keep avoiding "friction" (a.k.a. denying the problem) and start looking forward to your life as a doormat.'
*Absolutely.
6Well I had to laugh a little. He's overstaying his welcome to say the least. He just has way too much time on his hands. Maybe you can go out and buy a sign that says No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service and hang it on that nail he put in the wall. Then after that buy three more cats and let him know when they need to be fed. In one way it's amazing he has such a close relationship with his son, and maybe that's a truly special situation. I don't think it's so bad his Dad is so interested in your lives. I come from nonsupportive parents so it's always a pleasure for me to see a close relationship, however he is pushing the limits here. There's many questions too like why he thinks it's OK to leave his wife alone for so long? It seems so odd. Plus also isn't there something else he'd rather be doing in retirement? I don't know a cruise, a casino night, a trip to France, a game of cards with the neighbors? Does he have any friends? He sort of needs to get a life! Why don't you buy him a nice video of The Villages in Florida. My parents moved there and I haven't seen them since. It's like Disney world for retirees where you buy your own house and play golf twenty times a day. They have their own news channel, newspaper, dance clubs, restaurants, bowling etc etc. All the neighbors get together and eat and eat and eat and party and play cards. That's all they do. Plus spy on their neighbors and critique the lawn packages other people bought into. But overall it's really going to have to be a decision your fiance makes for the both of you. You are entering into a new marriage and things are changing. You need some privacy and more grownup behavior around there.
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