My Dad has stage 3 lung cancer, and for the past few weeks his health has seriously deteriorated. The prognosis is unknown, but there probably isn't a lot of time left. He's been in the hospital on morphine for the past 10 days. It's been hard on me all along, but the past couple of weeks have really been hell. I love my Dad to death and have always considered him my best friend, and watching him wither like this is excruciating.
Through all of this my boyfriend of 3 years has been amazing. We live together, so he's a witness to all my most difficult moments. I cry a lot, and have trouble being motivated for... anything. My sex drive has plummeted. We still have really good times (as my shrink says, I'm not "depressed" - I'm just very sad), like last week when he took me on a surprise weekend getaway for my birthday; but I know I am far from being my usual happy, joyful, lighthearted self.
Of course he keeps saying it's totally fine and understandable and that I shouldn't even worry about that - yet, I can't stop thinking that it must be a huge burden to have such a sad girlfriend. Because he's so wonderful at comforting me, I turn to him quite often, and I know I'm a bit needy. Not terribly - I don't ever prevent him from going out or doing his thing, but I do require more attention and care than usual.
I'm afraid that it's going to drive him away. This ordeal is not over, and even after my dad dies it will be really really hard on me. Do you have any tips that could help me deal with this stupid thought better? Or ideas on how to put less of my pain onto him? I'm supposed to go visit my Dad this weekend, and my boyfriend offered to come with me; but I know some of my family will be there, and he's never met most of them - and he's incredibly shy and uncomfortable in social situations. Should I tell him to stay at home, even though his presence would really help me?
I know it's silly to have such concerns at this time, and he's given me no reasons to have them. But I don't know what I'd do without him, he's the love of my life. I don't want to lose both my Dad and my love at the same time.
Thank you 
Great Plains
1) your message gave me goosebumps. i'm really sorry that you're going through this horrible time. keep your chin up and good luck to you and your family.
12) keep letting your boyfriend know that you value him and that you understand that your own mood and family issues are undoubtedly affecting his life as well. as long as you reassure him that you care for him and you let him know that you realize you're sad then he won't be feeling isolated, lonely, and angry about the situation.....it's when people push their partner away that things become problematic...or when you don't acknowledge you have a problem. but it sounds like you're well aware of your issue and you're trying your hardest to work thought it, and that's all you can do.
3) seeing the psychologist is a really good idea. perhaps she can help you work through it more and more and can give you ideas of how to improve your relationship with your boyfriend. it's not as if your loyal bf of 3 years is going to up and empty out your house....i'm sure if he does begin to get sick of the sadness, he will indicate his frustration and at that time, maybe you can both see the psychologist together. this person could be key in your life right now so hold on to that.
4) stop being paranoid. i get weird and paranoid too about my boyfriend and how he might just up and leave me but i know i'm nuts and i don't know why i do that to myself. don't do it to yourself either. if he hasn't given you reason to believe you're driving him away, then you probably aren't. if you are in tune with him and intuitive, you will be able to read his signs and know when he's getting close to the end of his rope.
5) embrace the love your boyfriend is giving you and remember to thank him and show your appreciation for him in as many ways as you can. you may not be happy-go-lucky right now but you can still show your appreciation in certain ways. and if you can, try to muster up at least some sex drive, even if you're faking it because a guy can only go so long without that!
good luck, honestly, i feel for you and i hope it all works out! xo
about this weekend, read your boyfriend's signs and let him do what he wants to do. let him know you genuinely don't mind if he'd rather stay home and let him make the decision. your family will be around so i'm sure you have other supports. and always be honest with him. if you really do need him, then tell him that and he will step up to the plate.
2I lost my dad 6 years ago the same way... it's horrible and stressful. All I can tell you is to spend AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE with your dad. Even if he's unable to respond to you, due to the morphine, every single moment counts, and you will be glad you did later. Your boyfriend sounds wonderful and supportive and if he can be a help to you, let him.
3It will honestly make your relationship stronger, once all of this is "over" (and it really never is "over", but you know what I mean).
Do what YOU need to do right now, take as good of care of yourself as you can, it's SO hard, but you will feel better one day. My dad was my best friend too, I was the one who held his hand and looked in his eyes when he died. As hard as it was, I am so glad I did. And 6 years later, I still think of him daily, but the memories are all good ones and I know he's up there somewhere watching out for me.
Lean on your boyfriend all you need to, he will understand.
I really feel for you. My mom is my best friend and if she had to go through anything like this I dont know what I would do. You're a strong person and you sound like a very good person which is why your boyfriend is still there.
As long as you show your appreciation for him at all times and you dont lose the respect or begin to EXPECT these amazing things that he does for you then he has no reason to leave. After 3 years of being with a happy, fun and upbeat girl he can put up with you being sad for a while. Eventually he will go through some sad times as well and you will be there for him.
Stop focusing on whether your man will leave you and start focusing on your father and doing everything you can to show your Dad that you love him. Your man will be there when you get back to normal.
Also, let your boyfriend off the hook for the weekend. You will have lots of support from your family, you will be fine. Also, he deserves a weekend off to go and relieve some stress with his friends. As skigurl said, let him know you're totally okay with him staying home for the weekend. Maybe if you get some time do something special for him to let him know how much you appreciate his support. Bake him cookies, get his favorite mens magazine and spend a romantic night just the two of you and spoil him completely.
He sounds like a great guy and as I said, as long as you show your appreciation, he will have no reason to leave.
4I'm really sorry that you are going through all of this.
I agree w/ everything Fallen said.
5Yeah... I second that.
Don't be so insecure... you're allowed to be sad! Your boyfriend understands and is allowing you to be sad, so spend time with your dad and stop worrying about your boyfriend. He can take care of himself and he'll surely let you know if something is bothering him. And chances are, he's not with you only because you're a happy person. Be thankful for the love you have and grieve when the time comes.
6I am so sorry. You sound like you really love your dad. And your boyfriend sounds like he's a really good guy. Just be honest with him. Tell him your fears. I'm sure that he will assure you that he's there for you, through thick and thin. And you can always do little nice things for your boyfriend in the meantime. A flower. Or maybe packing his lunch one day just to remind him that you love him and that you are thinking about him, even when times are hard.
7Look, life happens. It will be full of extreme joy and extreme pain. If your boyfriend can't weather this with you, he's not going to make much of a life partner. Stop worrying about how your sadness affects him and go be with your dad.
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