I think going to strip clubs is just a normal kind of thing for guys in the military. My ex was in the navy reserves and he said when the guys had some time off from basic training, that is what they did. Like a male bonding type thing. I have a difficult time understanding why you would think that going to a strip club is cheating. First of all, these women are paid to strip. I am sure that they are hit on all of the time by customers and I seriously doubt that they date their customers. The fact that he went to strip club does not mean that you are not enough for him. About 99% of guys watch porn and masturbate, however that does not mean that their women are not enough for them. The fact that your husband was honest with you I think is a good sign about your relationship. If there are others reasons that you distrust your husband and are concerned he is cheating, then I could understand why you would be worried about his behaviour. But I really don't think that going to a strip club means that he intends to cheat on you. I think that for men, it is a lot like watching porn. Just some visual entertainment. Personally, yes I do think that you are overreacting. If it hurts you that he did that, then by all means have a conversation with him about it and tell him how it makes you feel. But if all of his buddies are going to the strippers again, I think that he will probably just not tell you next time he goes if he knows you will freak out about it. Yes, I really think that you are overreacting. That is just my opinion. Good luck.

Oh honey, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Please try to take a deep breath and stop worrying about this. I'm sure all his buddies wanted "one last hurrah" before deploying.

It doesn't mean you're not beautiful and that he wants these other women.

I agree with Janine that if he does this again he'll probably just lie to you about to avoid the confrontation.

I know this is hard for you given what else you're going through, but for the sake of your relationship I'd just try really hard to get past it.

Good luck.

I know I'm in the minority here, but I agree with you OP. I hate strip clubs, and porn for that matter while we're on the subject, and I think it's very disrespectful to do either of those things while in a relationship. And yes, I know, I'm seriously in the minority, especially about the porn part. That's just my opinion, I'm not judging anyone who disagrees.

How exactly does it mean he doesn't think you're not beautiful or that he doesn't want the other women? I know everyone says things like that in these situations, but I've never understood how that could be true? If a guy's gf IS enough for him, he wouldn't feel the need to look at porn or go to a strip club...right? Honestly, I just don't understand that reasoning.

Ok, OP, I know you said you're not supposed to say anything negative or upsetting to you husband while he's away, but you are allowed to discuss problems with him right? I mean, you can discuss this issue in a nonthreatening nice understanding way right? I think you should talk to him about it like that. And I think you should figure out if he is ok with you going to a male strip club. You can ask him, but of course, people will always say they are ok with you doing the same thing they are doing, to avoid being a hypocrite. If he is actually ok with you doing the same thing he is doing, then fine, he's prob. not doing anything shady etc. But if he has a problem with you going to a male strip club, then I think it's a huge issue. If he is ok with you doing it, then that means he honestly thinks it's ok to go to strip clubs when in a relationship. If he's not ok with you doing it, that means, he isn't actually ok with strip clubs in general, but he just gives himself a free pass to do it even though the doesn't think other people should...which basically means that he is being super selfish and isn't thinking about or caring about you at all.

Also, from what you wrote, you said you have already told your guy how you feel about this issue. But it sounds like you basically demanded that he never go to strip clubs and that's all there is to it. You guys never actually compromised and came to an agreement you can both live with. So of course, he never really agreed that he shouldn't go to strip clubs...he just agreed with you to stop being yelled at prob. Not to sound harsh, but this is one of those issues you should have figured out before you got married. If it's a deal breaker/huge deal to you and he's not willing to compromise on the issue...I wouldn't have married someone like that. Other than that though, you guys seriously need to talk about this, and actually compromise. You both HAVE to be happy with the compromise...b/c when someone isn't happy with an agreement, they aren't going to follow the "agreement". Which I'm guessing is the case with your husband. Good luck.

Hmmm....I find myself in disagreement with the ladies I typically agree with on this one.

I think there's a line between porn/masturbation and going to a strip club...pretty much because the strip club involves being in a room with live, naked women. And although there's always a "no touching" policy out in the main area of the club, there's definitely private areas where forms of touching take place - even if it's just a lap dance, it's still touching. So I don't agree with the premise that strip clubs are equivalent to porn. I also don't believe that strip clubs are equivalent to going to a prostitute, either.

You don't say how old you are, but I get the impression you're both pretty young. While I agree with the ladies that this visit to a strip club is not an indication that you're not "enough" for him, I do think it was a crappy thing for him to do...and I don't think your husband's line of work earns him a pass, either.

I suggest that when his tour is over, you talk to him about your expectations of his behavior during deployment...cause deployed or not, you're both still married. Maybe try explaining to him that you're just as happy about him patronizing a strip club as he'd be if you decided to work at one. He might understand that.

And I wouldn't suggest keeping this bottled up while he's away. I'd send him an email explaining that you told him you'd gotten over it because you were advised to do that, but that you're going to have to work through it together when he returns. I'd also tell him you're not going to discuss it any further while he's away, because you do love him and want to be supportive....and then drop it until he comes home.

The bottom line (for me, anyway) is that being a single sailor and being a married sailor are two different things, and require different behaviors. He's going to have to learn to adapt. Good luck.

You ARE over-reacting. Strippers don't see their clients as potential suitors- they see them as big fat dollar signs. Most aren't promiscuous- they're just outgoing young women who aren't shy about their bodies and they know they can't make $20 for four minutes worth of work anywhere else.
Men, on the other hand (the decent ones, at least, and I'm assuming that your husband is a decent man) don't see strippers as potential dates- they see them as a very expensive way to have a good time and bond with the guys. That's all it is.
You didn't say where he's going or what he'll be doing but it's probably going to be dangerous. Your husband is a hero, and you're 'disgusted' and you 'feel resentment towards him?' Are you seriously going to worry about something as petty as four hours out with the guys at the titty-bar when the love of you life is fighting for our freedom and willing to die to protect us?
Write him and say something like, "It hurts me that you did that but I love and respect you and I know that you love and respect me too. From now on, the only sexy woman who's allowed to rub up against you is ME." If you want to give him a real surprise, maybe you could get some tasteful boudoir portraits of yourself taken and send those out to him. Then next time his friends ask him to go out, he can say, "Why would I do that when I've got this waiting at home for me?"
I know this is tough for you. He'll be back before you know it. Best wishes to you and thank you to him for his service.

Betty Wayne, is your reasoning that as long as this guy is in the military, anything he does should be acceptable to his wife? The OP doesn't have the right to feel disgusted that instead of calling her one last time before his deployment, he went to a strip club? You're berating her because she's hurt that he put himself in a sexual situation with other women, spent their money on these broads, and then didn't want to admit to it?

I'm sorry, every woman doesn't share your perspective that watching naked women dance and having them gyrate on your lap is simply "an expensive way to have a good time and bond with the guys." Clearly, he knew he'd done something he shouldn't have done as a married man, or the OP wouldn't have had to drag it out of him.

IMO, character is character, whether you work on a ship or at a construction site. If any individual wants to be treated like a hero, he'd better strive to behave like one.

First of all, I'm a girl who runs around half naked in a theater once a month, and I have friends who are strippers. Not all strippers have the same integrity of my friends, but... A lot of strippers have families, husbands, boyfriends, etc. And ALL (or at least any good ones) strip clubs have a "no touchy" rule, so you know your husband has not been touching any boobs without getting a black eye from a bouncer.
Secondly (well, really a continuation of the first), this is an entirely notouchy situation. Do you believe your husband has never looked at porn while dating you? Have you never looked at porn while dating him? Strippers are pretty much the same thing, they are there to be looked at. Not touched. Ever.
Thirdly, why are you not telling him that this bothers you and in your mind feels like cheating? He might not think it bothers you because not all women are bothered by their husband/boyfriend seeing strippers, and because of the notouchy environment, he probably figured you'd be "ok" with it. Meanwhile, I'm betting that he went there as a night out with the boys, not necessarily to see other women's boobies.
Being married only 6 months, he's probably not even thinking about cheating on you. But, from the sound of it, you haven't really ever defined for him what cheating is, and what you're comfortable with him doing. Since you're apart for so long, you really need to establish these rules. STOP playing cool. You're not helping anyone. Sure, you may think you need to "stay strong" or whatever, but this is a problem that will persist until you get divorced if you don't bring it up and let him know that what he did hurt you.

You're right, honey, I was harsh and that was wrong of me. I'm sorry. And no, anything he does is not acceptable just because he's in the military. I would have said the same thing no matter where he worked.
My opinion on the matter still stands. I understand that some women feel that strip clubs are cheating, and that's unfortunate that they feel that way. There's no need to. It really is "an expensive way to have a good time and bond with the guys." It's not like he's sneaking around all the time and lying and blowing your life savings. This was a one time thing.
OP, I'm sorry for berating you. I just don't want you to feel like you've been cheated on or that you're not enough to satisfy your man. If you weren't enough to satisfy him he probably wouldn't have married you in the first place. I just don't think this is an issue worth battling over. You have a lot of years ahead of you with this man. Please don't start it off feeling disgusted and resentful.

I don't know if it's true, but I think that men who go to strip clubs think of the strippers as objects. They just see a hot piece of ass. I would try to not be upset with your husband and look at it as he was just going out with the guys. He wasn't going out to find a new wife. I don't think going to a strip club is cheating. Try to let this go and when you can speak openly to your husband again then you can tell him about your concerns and lay down some ground rules. For now, let it go.

I'd go with if he goes again, knowing how he made you feel. Until that happens, don't worry about his behavior while he's deployed. If he does this again, then start preparing yourself for if you feel like putting up with that or not. For now, it could be one dumb mistake, he feels horrible for hurting you, and he's thinking that he sure as heck won't ever do that again.
Wait and see what the checking account turns up.

Besides, if he wanted to lie and be sneaky- he's have a buddy pay his way in so you'd never see where he paid to go. He sounds honest for now.

I understand deployment is one of the hardest things a woman can go through and I really, really respect you for that. It's hard to never know if you're going to see your husband again! You're a strong, beautiful woman and if you thought before the strip club incident that he believed that was true, there's no reason to think that's less true now. If you've told him that it makes you upset and uncomfortable that he went to one, and he continues, I'd say that's a problem then. But you said it was one time and that you did get a chance to tell him how much it hurt you. Hun, do you honestly think that after hearing how much it hurt you, he would want to hurt you again? I mean, he clearly didn't think you'd be that upset because he was honest with you!

It sounds to me like you're holding onto this hurt like it's a shiny silver dollar! Let it go, doll! Let it go. This was a one-time thing and the people who tell you to let it go are right. There is no excuse for doing things to hurt your wife while on deployment, but if he didn't know you'd get mad, you can't exactly hold it against him. He needs to be strong and he needs you to be strong with him. If you turn into a nagging shrew who just wants to make sure her husband is behaving himself while risking his life every day, why would he want to consider your reactions before his actions? Men don't respond well to being yelled at or complained to, especially about things they've done in the past. You need to continue being the loving, nurturing woman who is waiting at home, that he can think about when he needs comfort and call for support. You need to be the picture in his wallet that he promises himself every day he'll make it home to see. Be an inspiration, a girl who makes all the other army guys jealous, and who your husband is proud to do anything for. Don't give in to that negativity.

There are lots of things you can do, like join a wives club or start taking pilates or pole dancing lessons, to get yourself through this deployment with your marriage in tact. Maybe think about taking some pin-up style 1940's pictures and sending one his way? You need to believe that you have something no other girl he could possibly meet has. Because you do. You have him, legally and 'til death do you part. Good luck!

Just an FYI, the OP's husband is in the Navy, which is one of the safest tours in today's military. (The Navy has suffered less than 3% of casualties in our current conflicts, with the Army and Marines suffering almost all casualties.) No disrespect to the Navy (my Dad served in Korea), but there are precious few sailors who are currently risking their lives every day - and the ones that do are pilots.

I'm the OP and just wanted to say that we had discussed this before, so he knows exactly how I feel about strip clubs. Another thing that was bothering me is that he promised to behave, but as soon as he got a chance he broke the promise within hours of making it. And not just that, first day he's gone and he's already doing things to hurt me. Before he joined the navy, he was such a sweet guy, and he still is, just not as before because he has changed. He has never cheated on me, but now I'm afraid that because of his navy friends he might do something stupid. He did go to the strip club because he's friends were going and supposedly he didn't want to wait outside. So that only showed me that he's friends might have a big influence in him. I know is not their fault, because he has a mind of his own and could have said no. BTW he is in the nuclear sub force in the navy, which is a very stressful environment since they don't see outside for months at a time, and they don't really port. Communication with them is not often either, I might receive an email from him, or i might not, it depends on where they are. Thats why I'm letting it go for now, but once he come backs I will talk to him and work it out. I really don't want this to put a strain in our marriage, I love him too much.

NOTINTHEMOOD - Thank you for your words, they made me feel a lot better. This is a very hard time for me specially since it's the first time I'm alone.
HONEYKNOWS - You were really helpful as well.

And thank you all for your comments and opinions.

He probably just went with the flow in the heat of the moment. I would, myself, not be OK with a regular strip club visit, but let this one go. I have friend who stripped for a while, and there were strippers that dated their clients, even MARRIED clients. Not all of these women are students looking for an income to get through college. There are a lot of dysfunctional and insecure women in that profession. I WOULD express to him that you don't want it to happen again. NO, it is not the same as porn or masturbation b/c these women are up close and personal and attainable. My X husband did buy porn, as he worked out state for a few weeks at a time, but he would tell me about it, and it was actually pretty amusing to me, but that is sooo different. If he is mature and can think for himself, he can tell his buddies, nope, can't go this time, or ever, thanks, but no thanks.

honey, rest young little nerves, your man went to a strip club - big deal - when he comes home, and it's time to go the bedroom, find the sexiest gown you have and play some sexy music and do your "stripper routine" and say, "i'm all the stripper you need." things will fall into place. good luck.

If he knows how you feel, and he made the mistake of going again- tell him he will need to wait in the car next time for the health of your relationship. Give him a chance and see if she does this. Keep an eye on that checking account,too.

I was thinking about what you said about the fact that he has changed. In basic training they break the soldiers down and then reprogram them with military values. So yes, it makes a lot of sense that you feel that he has changed as a person. The same thing happened to my friend who got married and unhappily found out her husband decided to become an RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police). She found that his personality changed, he became a much harder and less empathetic person after his training. At one point he was physically abusive to her which apparently can be common with police officers wives. They are divorcing now.
It seems to me that you cannot be a really sensitive person and do well in the military so in that way it makes sense that your husband has changed. I hope that you had the chance to talk to him and tell him how you feel about this issue. Good luck.

Feeling like your husband has been unfaithful because he simply visited a strip club is a slight overreaction. However, I can understand your concern if he took advantage of any of the services offered while he was there.
For as many women who might feel neutral about their partners spending time at strip clubs there are just as many women who feel betrayed by it, so don't feel alone on this one. The fact that you had to question your husband in order to find out that he had actually gone to a strip club because he wasn't upfront with you right away indicates that on some level he was aware that this might potentially hurt you. I am sure that your husband never intended to hurt you, but sometimes people (oftentimes men) can be insensitive. If he was bonding with his fellow soldiers it probably would have been very difficult for him to remove himself from the situation. Not that grown men shouldn't be capable of overcoming peer pressure, but military men have special relationships with one another and it most likely had more to do with that then with him seeking sexual relations with other women.
That being said, I think it is still very important that he understands your discomfort with the situation so that he can avoid these types of outings when at all possible. Being in the military and especially being young, he will probably come face to face with these opportunities occasionally. Try to be understanding of this and lay out some ground rules. It is one thing to look at naked women but an entirely different thing to be touched and grinded on by naked women. It comes down to the very cliche' "look but don't touch" rule.
My boyfriend and I were together for only two months before he deployed and when he finished out his year-long tour the first thing he did was go to a strip club with the guys. I was upset about him going to a strip club but felt even more betrayed that he received more than a handful of private dances. I personally feel that intimacy is intimacy irregardless of the circumstances (whether you are paying the stranger or she is offering her services for free). I consider what happens in those private rooms to be foreplay and just because it does not end in intercourse does not make it acceptable. Also, to assume that the strippers want nothing more than money is a bit naive. I'm not saying that all strippers are homewreckers, but the threat is not off of the table just because they get paid for what they do. I was very hurt that I was not the first live woman he saw naked after more than six months of going without, and even worse that I was not the first woman to touch him when he returned.
Try not to let your feelings about what happened consume you. What's done is done. The important thing is that you communicate your expectations (in a non-hostile manner) with your husband, forgive him, and then move on.
Good luck.