I think I'm distantly related (though cheating) to the English teacher I had freshman year of high school. However, I don't think my parents want me to know this (for some reason... I mean, it can't really be conflict of interest in school anymore since I'm a junior in college now).
However, I don't really know if/how to ask about it.
I'd be related to her on my dad's side... but...
While my dad likes to go on and on about really fond memories of his childhood, I know he had a lot of really traumatizing stuff go on. He's now an alcoholic, partly because he has a genetic predisposition (I think... Native Americans are known for being prone to alcoholism, my dad's great grandma was a full blood Chippowea(sp?)), partly because he liked to party too hard in college, and partly because he tries to use it as liquid therapy. I love my dad very much, and I understand that there was some REALLY intense stuff going on in his childhood and I don't want to mess with brining up painful memories when he's not ready (his childhood was kinda messed up... my grandpa wouldn't let him do a lot of things he was interested in, like play guitar, my dad seems to kinda have been the "runt" of the litter... despite the fact that he was a national champion swimmer, my grandma had some intense emotional disorders, my grandpa slept around a lot...). So, I'm hesitant to bring it up. But what makes me wonder is:
I have a half-aunt (my grandpa + some random woman in our town he was two timing my grandma with), who is an amazingly nice person and looks almost identical to my English teacher. We visited her last Christmas when my (full-blood) aunt was in town, and my aunt (in a night of intense talking and remincising with my parents) was listing families in LO that our family knew, and she mentioned the Proudleaves (not the name of my teacher, changed to protect the innocent lol), then my parents cut her off and started being all hush hush. I think she mentioned something about possibly being related to them.
Flashforeward to today: I was looking at pictures of my half-aunt's daughter's wedding (which reminded me of how ridiculously rich my dad's side of the family is... despite him growing up in a house that was more a shack than anything else, and my grandma and great grandma being raised on reservations) and I saw a picture of my half-aunt that I could SWEAR was my English teacher. Which just reminds me of how much I think I'm related to her.
This has been bothering me for a while, mostly because of the way my parents hushed my aunt so quickly when she mentioned it, so I'm also curious WHY my parents won't let me know (seeing as I've known my half-aunt, granted, not too well, my whole life).
I love my parents very much, and they are great people that I'm glad I'm related too (even if they can be embarrassing and make me mad sometimes), but we don't have the best communication about "uncomfortable things" (like this, the fact that I have sex... which I'm not sure if they know about, other aspects of my personal life, some of my friends that are amazing and good people but are in like the porn industry, for a while my tattoo, they still don't know about some of my piercings, etc). But I'm not sure if I should ask them about this, or how to go about it. I've considered asking my aunt, but I'm not sure if that'd be good, since I'm tired of keeping secrets from my parents/going behind their back for fear of their reaction to stuff, especially stuff that I've grown up with the idea of "we just don't talk about that sort of thing".
(sorry for the long post, but hopefully it breaks the chain of *insert romantic relationship problem here*).
How can I bring this up with my family?
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I can't really see how it would be helpful for you to know the extent to which your grandfather cheated on your grandmother. If you want to know, ask your aunt. Then when you find out, never mention it again. Family secrets suck when they are no longer a secret, for all parties involved.
1Hmmm....in dysfunctional families, the truth is often elusive, and therefore, becomes quite precious. I understand that you want to know the truth, if for no other reason than it is the truth.
I recommend talking to your half-aunt. Whatever shame is involved belongs to your grandfather, not you, not your parents.
2Might I add that I found out some "family secrets" around age 22, involving cheating and *stuff*. I found out some more at age 25. When I was younger, I reacted stupidly and thought it was kind of funny. Now that I'm older, I realize that certain family members (the products/victims of the affairs) were the ones who would be hurt if the knowledge spread, and that it didn't impact me 1 iota to know. Sure, it's fun to know the truth, but if you're not going to keep it to yourself, you probably should put off knowing until you know your curiosity won't get the best of you.
3Well, my English teacher was one of my favorite teachers ever, and she came to all the plays I was in in high school (and brought me flowers). Even if it was through some random affair of my grandpa that I'm related to her, I'd like to know.
My dad's the only person really who'd be affected by my knowledge of things as far as I know. My grandma died when I was like 1, and my grandpa died before I was even born. I know about the time my dad cheated on my mom (several years before I was born). I just can't see a way that me being related to my English teacher would have a negative impact on the family.
And it kinda scares me when I find out that my family's hiding relatives. While I know my boyfriend and I aren't related... it's a little freaky to know that my families hiding relatives, and he knows very few people on his dad's side of the family. I'd hate to want to get married some day and find out that we're actually first cousins or something random (we aren't... but, I hope you kinda understand what I mean).
4Well, it's like this... let's say it comes out that your English teacher is related to you. I'm guessing you want to talk to her about it, which seems normal, but what if she has thought this whole time that her dad was some super guy and then you go and tell her, "My dad is your dad!" Throws a wrench in her gears? That's the kind of stuff that shifts the foundations under which people have built their lives.
To elaborate on my story, my aunt is the product of the milkman. I found out around age 22, right around the time I found out that my grandma is actually my real grandma's sister. She died when my dad was 4 and her sister was preggo with the milkman's baby, so my grandpa did the honorable thing and married her to keep the family name clean. Not many people in the community know this (the family is well known) and that's how my aunt likes it. In fact, she doesn't even know that I know. There is a woman my other aunts have seen that they claim looks exactly like my "bastard" aunt, but when they told her about it instead of being curious, it really pissed her off. Like, didn't speak to them for months pissed off. She was tormented by her siblings as a kid about being not related, so everything that reminds her of it is painful.
I'm not saying that's going to be the way it is in your case, but you have to think about the good and the bad. I think what's most important is that if you have a good relationship with a person, you should try as hard as you can to keep it good. So find out what you can from your aunt, but sit on it for at least long enough to envision the "worst case scenario". It's not like you need to find a bone marrow match or something, so it's not imperative that you talk to her about it right now. I'm sure you'd hate if your English teacher found talking to you too uncomfortable after you dropped that knowledge on her. So I'm advising you to use caution. Extreme caution. Find out for yourself if you want, but don't share unless you're absolutely sure you can handle the potential worst case scenario.
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