My boyfriend and I have been dating for four months. He was in a previous relationship for a year and a half. They cheated on each other, but they got back together. Eventually he and I became friends which cause them to be more distant and she broke up
with him. Soon after, we started dating. Now, he talks to the girl that he
cheated on his ex with. He talks to her a lot and they speak for a long time.
I told him that it makes me feel uncomfortable, but he shuts down my
feelings because they are just friends as he says. Once he told me that he was
going to keep talking to her, whether I was with him or not. (Apparently they
were friends first, and then he had sex with her several times).
Eventually he cut down talking to her, but it still bothers me a little. I feel
that the time he wastes talking to her, he could be spending it with me
because sometimes he gets off the phone with me to talk to her. Also I recently
found out that he has been talking to his ex behind my back for the
whole four months. He told me that he was talking to his cousin, but the
number actually belong to his ex girlfriend. Also, he told me recently that he
feels that we would not fight so much if we were having sex. He says part of the reason why he'sacting like this is because he is angry that he has not had sex since
he broke up with his ex and he used to get it regularly. He even told me
that when he talk to these females, they sometimes reminisced on their
sexual past. Currently we are on a break. I feel like I have taken so much
from him, he has made me feel insecure, and I feel like he indirectly
pressures me to have sex by blaming our problems on me and him not having sex.
Should I take this? Am I being too nagging, emotional, or clingy by demanding
that he stop talking to these girls if he wants to be with me? what should i
do? he says he will stop talking to them but how can i trust him? and why does he feel the need to talk to these women in the first place? I dont have any desire to talk to any of my exes. I just dont think its respectful. by the way, with the first girl i never told him to stop talking to her, i told him to cut down talk to her and to not be so secretive, but he wwouldnt even compromise with me on that.
His past is plaguing our future
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Golden Goose
If it makes you uncomfortable, that should be reason enough for him to stop or at least curb the behavior.
I have urges to talk to my exes, and it bothers my boyfriend a little. And I'll be honest - I'm still in contact with them because I STILL CARE ABOUT THEM AND I WANT THEM TO CONTINUE TO CARE ABOUT ME. Simple as that.
Here's the hard part: if he does NOT clean up his behavior, are you prepared to give him consequences? Because, quite frankly, he isn't treating you like he loves. You do NOT do things behind someone's back if you love them. I suspect the reason he's acting like this and taking advantage of you now, is because he either doesn't think or doesn't care if you leave him. I mean, seriously, would a guy ever pull this sh*t if he loved a girl and thought he would lose her if he continued? No. Period.
1Wow. I'm shaking my head now.
This is a possibility: He may be pressuring you to have sex with him 2 ways:
1) Making you insecure enough by sneaking around with his exes (gf and lover), making you feel bad because you expressed this insecurity but never stopping doing all the things that make you insecure (add now: lies, sneaking around and deflecting blames when you found out he's a liar) and making sure that you know that he's 'frustrated' because these past few months...you guys haven't had sex yet.
Then
2) Promising you to not talk to them anymore (after making you so insecure, he decides the best way is to get you to feel secure and thankful for his 'kindness' or 'consideration,' this way, you'll be more ready to sleep with him. But hey, from what you've posted, I'm willing to bet quite some money that he's going to sneak around again and keep talking to them, badmouthing you every time you and he got into a fight (and this is after you two have finally slept together).
Solution? If you're going to give this twerp a chance...just withhold sex for at least..until you're really comfortable with him (as in, no doubt of his affection for you, and you trust him as a bf to not repeat pattern of cheating and such). Oh gosh, I'd hate to be you because I'd be celibate for awhile...
If you think that guys aren't capable of 'playing' /manipulating you like this...think again, I've had a guy (or maybe 2) cry in front of me feigning sincerity and sensitivity (claiming how he loved me so much that listening to a romantic song together with me actually brought him to tears).
Believe me, he sounded really sincere too which was the weirdest thing, and he's not even an actor!
Another thing: Are you serious? You're actually 'blaming' yourself for not being comfortable about his behavior?
Give me a break, you know his history, you know how he's been sneaking around, lying in this relationship (and I bet you, in his last relationship: history repeats). Of course, he's NOT trust-worthy, he's lied to you, cheated with his ex...what possibly have you taken from him, hmmm?
Why in the world would you even doubt your logic? You ALREADY KNOW what type of a person he is and what he's really capable of.
Of course I'm going to scold you for doubting yourself, your brain/logic and possibly trying to justify getting back with a big time creep who's a two-timer. Sure, he may be more than just a creep/loser/cheater, but right now, he doesn't seem too nice of a 'boyfriend.'
I won't be too surprised if he's sleeping with either one of the girls (or both) during your break with him. If you ever found out, he'd probably blame you again for not having sex with him and then getting upset because "it's a break..."
Sure, he may be claiming love to you all the whilst, but of course..his 'thing' may act differently. And action is always #1 in my book.
I'm going to close with a nice reminder: you have to be truly honest with yourself. Can you really be happy in a relationship where your s/o is untrustworthy? Will you be happy feeling doubtful, having to make ultimatum (it's either her or me! type), and being scared every time he 'bumped' into an ex-lover/gf? Unless you like the misery (sorry to say this, but some people do that because it's in their nature--misery loves company).
He may be a good 'friend,' but not every good 'friend' can transcend into a good boyfriend. Some men can't be that, and it's just how it is. You deserve to be in a relationship where you have utmost confidence with your man, that you really trust him, and he doesn't make you feel insecure, and where he'll be willing to wait until you're ready to make a leap (whether it's sex or moving in together or whatever), sure he'll probably try to push the sex (most men will do that), but at least, he won't manipulate you into giving in to him...
Ok.
Good luck to you!
2I have a suggestion, a necessary evil too:
If you ever got back together with him and contemplated of actually having sex...(oh gosh)...The least you can do is ask him to get tested first. If you'd like you can also get tested, so both of you can discuss safe sex and all. Get condoms too...from his history, I don't know...I'd boil him before even touching the guy
Sorry for the long rant before, I really hope you're going to be just fine.
But I sure hope you two won't get back together. Don't have sex with a loser like him...have sex with a real winner!
3thank you so much for ur time and help. I think he is a compulsive liar. He doesn't know why he does it. he does it to look good or something. I dont even know if I love him anymore, but if I didnt, why would I take this? I am so confused and I do wonder if he will sleep with other girls while we are on a break.
4This guys sounds like a real ass and has some major insecurities of his own going on. He's sounds disrespectful and lacks consideration for your feelings. He intentionally makes you feel insecure and that's not cool.
There are other guys out there that will treat you a hell of a lot better than this guy.
I have been on both sides of the coin and being with someone who cares about your feelings is a hell of a lot better than being with someone who is secretive and thinks only of themselves.
I hope this helped a little
Take care!
5Sakeyea,
You're very welcome. Why did you take that kind of behavior.
::smack you upside the head::
First thing first, you've only dated him for like 4 months...right? You're still in that 'honeymoon' phase, supposedly with him (it's not that long...4 months, believe me), so it's no
You've come to your senses with the break and all...after 4 months, so you really should give yourself credit. Some women will actually 'take it' as you said, for years and years then completely break down and regret losing all those years.
Chalk this one up as experience. Now you've met the jerk, in the future, you'll meet the right guy.
Why did you ever 'take' it? Oh easy enough, it seems like you're a nice person. You're TOO nice of a person. You're probably a gentle person by nature (I don't know if you behave gently), and sometimes you're losing a 'backbone,' and he knows this and thinks that he can capitalize from your kindness.
You'd probably think that he'll be different for you because you're understanding and unlike his exes... But believe me, it doesn't matter how nice, how sweet and a good person you are, if he's rotten, he'll act rotten to EVERY ONE.
And I think you do have feelings for him. I'd probably think that you're passionate about the relationship (you guys are pretty 'new' together), and he gave the impression that he's passionate for you too which feeds your ego a little bit.
You're probably a little insecure to begin with/lower self-esteem, but you know what, it's all fixable for you. He can't be fixed. You have the chance to rebuild yourself without his interference because so far, he's just making you more miserable and insecure, it seems like.
And you're quite right. Even I think he's sleeping around on the break, that's why I'm telling you if you even think of sleeping with him in the future, ask him to get tested first. To make it 'even' get tested with him too.
Good luck
6Sweetheart--I want you to listen...good, healthy, happy relationships are not this hard and don't have this kind of drama. See the BIG RED FLAG that is your relationship!!!!! Stop whatever you are doing and ask yourself--why the hell am I wasting any time on this??!!!! The problem isn't you--it is him and that he is the WRONG guy for you! The right guy doesn't leave you feeling insecure. The right guy respects who you are and how you feel. Right?! You know this deep down inside! You are a great person who should not feel apologetic about wanting to be treated how you deserve. And that is it-end of problem. It is important to walk away from negative energy and things that try to drain you in life. Walk away! Drama will ruin you!!!!! It is also the biggest sign that it isn't the right guy!
ps--I will say this...it is never our place to tell someone who he/she can or cannot talk to or be friends with. We are all individuals and deserve to live our lives how we want. A man can be friends with whomever he chooses, just like a woman can. So...if you ever find yourself in a situation where you feel like you need to try and change that, then you know without a doubt that you shouldn't be with that person. They are the wrong person for you. But that is great because it tells you that you should move on!
7dump him-you are beautiful and great and deserve better! Value yourself first and forget him!
8Savage Love, a very good sex advice column, has an acronym that I'm fond of: DTMFA. Dump the motherf*!#er already! Nothing good is coming out of this relationship, that I can see, for either of you. He's not getting the sex he wants, and you're not getting the respect you deserve.
9Warning signs all over this post. Let him go.
10Oh my gosh, I remember a relationship like this and my stomach was constantly in knots from being so on edge. I actually ended up making myself sick. Sweety, don't do that to yourself and get out while you can. It might seem like it but four months truly isn't that long, get away from that scum bucket and find a good guy.
11NO WAY! Get out of this relationship and find someone who treats you properly. There are nice guys out there, no matter what you may think now!
12And PS, you asked this question: "and why does he feel the need to talk to these women in the first place?" I think, given his history, that you know the answer to this. He is a cheater!
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