Hi could do with some help!
I've been with my boyfriend almost a year now, and since last september we've been living in the same house. Over the past few months I've begun to realise he's not good enough for me. But i'm stuck because i'm still in love him, and have tried to break up with him a few times now, but we both end up hugging and getting back together within a few hours cos we love each other so much. But the problems is I know he sn't good enough for me in the long term, he's immature, selfish and incosiderate. Although he may get me the occasional present like an easter egg, he's never really there for me, one day I was stuck at uni as i was having a tutorial but i also had a meeting half an hour later and really needed my passport, i thought if i didnt have it i might not be able to go on this trip, so i phoned him and ask if he could do me a massive favour and get it to me by taking the bus to uni, however he gave me all these excuses about how he wont be able to get there in time and how he didnt have change for the bus, i told him he could go to co op to buy some chewing gum or somethingso he could get the change, but he just thought it was too much trouble, i got very frustrated cos in the big scheme of things how hard is it to pop down the shop get some change and get the bus? so i just said dont worry and hung up on him. i know i would never hesitate to do these kind of things for close friends because i hope they will do the same for me. This is just one example, but i keep seeing how his selfishness manifests itself in everything everwhere. Examples include him never going with me to the cinema cos the film i want to watch he doesnt want to watch, i offer to watch anything else and he says nothing is good. Another time i forgot he was sitting on a rocky chair and stood on the back of it to reach for something, he freaked out and started pushing my leg off the chair then all he could keep going on about was how i could have hurt him? but wasnt he the one that could have hurt me directly?!
I understand he is not a romatic person therefore i will ask him out with me just to restaurants, cinemas, bars however he never wants to go with me cos its too much effort, or he might say "lets ask everyone else to go too". When i say i would like to spend more time as a couple, he'll say he doesnt understand why its such a big deal to go out with JUST him. I would do anything for him, if he says my feet are rough, i'll buy some foot cream, i make an effort to look nice for him, if i know he'll be back late from uni and he'll be hungry i'll cook some lunch for him to for when he gets back, i bought anusol cream for him cos he was too embarassed to let other people see him buy it, i give up my time to accompany him to karate cos he gets bored easily and wanted to start a hobby, and he wasnt going to start by himself, when i see his favourite snacks at the shop i might buy some so we can share it together.
The last episode where i got in a strop was when he came over to see me during the holidays, on the last day he had to get home by 7pm therefore he had the morning to waste. He wanted to go out into central london to lilywhites to do a bit of shopping and he said we could go to the london eye as he knew i've always wanted to go. So we got there, but i ended up paying for my own ticket, whereas the couple in front ,the boyfriend paid for it. I was just disappointed cos i felt like i'd been dragged to central london to accompany him for 5/6 hours yet he doesnt see this and cant even treat me to a ride! I mean why dont we just be friends?! then i would understand paying for ourselves, i also wouldnt have to do so much crap for him!
Anyway, i'm stuck because i can’t really break up with him as i'm going to be living with him next year, we’ve already signed the contract. Getting someone else to move in instead would mean i would also mean not getting to live with my current housemates who i’m very close to. We were also going to be living in a house of 7 but this caused too much trouble so our group split into 2 groups of 4s. This move was mostly headed by me. So if i leave the group i'm sure my friends will get annoyed cos they could have all lived in a group of 6 together. Also the fact that i am in love with him means it’s hard to break up with him. I know this because when he doesn’t call i get upset and think he might not love me anymore. I also think maybe i am asking for too much? i have talked to my parents about this and they agree with me, that he seems too immature to know what it means to take care of his girlfriend. It seems like i am the mother of this relationship, taking care of him. I have brought up his issue a few times but he doesnt get it. He feels he has done enough by just visiting me, but really he was just bored at home and wanted something to do. He thought he was going to the london eye for me, so HE's wasted 15 pounds but really its me that had to accompany him for the day so he doesn’t get bored before his train journey back home. i would then have to go home on the tube by myself. Yet he doesn’t see things this way! what can i do to get him to realise he is losing me and must grow up and be a man, to care of me and treat me occasionally.
Sorry this is so long!
Hope you can help me! thank you
Alexander McQueen
That's the best he can offer you, and no amount of nagging, running to your parents to complain, or trying to guilt him into wanting to assert himself more in the relationship will help. So it's take it or leave it. So far, have you seen any changes in him after you go on a long discussion/argument with him? Have you seen him change after you nag/complain?
You're playing nice girl to him, and a mommy too (since I'm very sure you NAG him). And he has a mommy so I don't think he needs a second one and I think it's likely for guys to actually take mommy for granted (hey, my son is very well on that way!). Let him take care of himself! Be a lover not a mother.
STOP going the extra mile for him. Don't explain yourself why you quit doing these nice stuffs, I don't know if he's going to notice or not, if he's that oblivious, he won't, if he notices then let him correct himself, guys know how to do self-correction.
Obviously you feel like you ESPECIALLY deserve extra consideration/special treatment from him because you've done all these sweet stuffs for him, and that's a BAD base to start. You DESERVE all those nice stuffs/treatments from him REGARDLESS you do extra nice stuffs or not (just be fair).
If you're staying with him, you need to stop expecting anything from him at all. As in have no standard. No expectation. But if you do this, dude, slap yourself because he should not just be barely existing in the relationship, put a higher price on yourself! You should never settle for someone who won't be kissing the ground you walk on
If you're planning on moving on, GOOD FOR YOU (because you know you deserve more than what he can offer you). Find someone to sublet from you or take over the contract so that you won't have to break the contract from living with him. Right now, I don't think you're ready to take the plunge of living together. I really think the first step you need to take is to get out of the contract, advertise to find others to take over your contract, do necessary steps for it. Then stop being the nice-mommy to him.
1i can so relate to what you are saying. I am in a relationship with a man who, I feel, takes me for granted. I treat people the way I want to be treated. That usually ends up with me getting hurt, the man I'm with feels like a king, and I feel used. I love doing things for people, especially those that I really care about but when it doesn't get reciprocated it hurts my feelings and self esteem. Even though you love him it sounds like he takes you for granted. He knows that you will do anything for him and will be there whenever he needs you. He doesn't feel that he needs to make an effort. I'm sure he wants you there, because otherwise he couldn't lean on you and count on you for everything. A relationship is working together, compromising, and helping eachother. It sounds like this relationship will leave you hurting and being resentful in the long run. I wish you luck.... i need to listen to my own advice.
2I didn't even bother reading your entire post because it all boils down to one thing: you don't want to be with the poor sap long term. You could be in love with him all you want but if you don't see a future there is no point in continuing. I think you just got yourself really comfortable in the relationship but your whole heart isn't in it. Get into counseling together if you want but a tiger never loses his stripes. I suggest you breakup and make a clean break.
3See, girls? This is why I always tell people not to live with their boyfriends! She's verbalizing what many feel:
"I'm stuck because i can’t really break up with him as i'm going to be living with him next year, we’ve already signed the contract."
To the poster - you're making this very difficult for us to help. You're miserable and you want to break up. So do it. Yes, one of you will have to move. Big deal. Breakups are a time of transition.
I'll also add that you do sound a bit spoiled and you have an attitude of entitlement. That's not very attractive, and could be why your boyfriend doesn't try harder. Think about it: he chose to spend his day off with you and take you to London to see something you've really wanted to see. Instead of being happy about that, all you focus on is that he didn't pay for your ticket. Geez.
4He doesn't respect you and you are allowing him to step all over you. Men are not like women that way; they will just take and take and take, assuming that you are happy giving. Women will realize someone has given them a lot and they need to balance out with some giving back. Sorry, this sounds weird but it's all from 'Men are from mars and women are from venus.' I think a lot of that book is really true. Anyways, he will continue to act like a selfish, immature little boy as long as you continue to play the mom role, coddle him and give him what he wants. He is not going to change, you can't change someone else, only your self. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn: you can't change people. He doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. You are not setting up boundaries for yourself. He thinks it's a perfect situation because he is selfish and you give too much. It's win/win for him. But ask yourself: what is it about my life experiences and attitudes about men that I allow them to use me and disrespect me?
5I still think it's healthy to live together before marriage. What if they got married and she was living with him with these realizations? it wouldn't just be a lease but a messy divorce.
6Luisa said "I'll also add that you do sound a bit spoiled and you have an attitude of entitlement."
7I agree.
I don't think anything he did was a deal-breaker, and I would have also been irritated if my boyfriend forgot something and expected me to drop everything and take public trans to deliver something that was his responsibility in the first place. While he could be more appreciative of the things you do for him, you really could have hurt him by getting on the rocking chair, and I don't know how far away your university is for him to have taken the bus that day. He may not be my ideal man, but to me he just sounds young. That's the way I would expect a good majority of college-aged men to behave. Movies are expensive... I refused to see the latest Rambo movie with my boyfriend because I wasn't going to pay $10 to see that junk.. and he didn't pay for your London Eye ticket? Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you both college students? And I don't believe the man should have to pay for everything all the time anyway.
So if you want to break up, break up, but if you keep dumping him and getting back together in a couple hours, your breaking up doesn't mean anything. and if you break up and NEED to get back together with him within a couple of hours, then there's your answer and you'll just have to deal with his flaws.
I'm not saying you're wrong to want a man who thinks more about your wants and needs... if you are unhappy with him, break up with him but make it stick. But I don't think this is ALL on him, even though he may be selfish and immature.
Good luck!
(and FYI, if you are having relationship probs, you may want to keep your parents out of it because then if you stay together, your parents may always dislike him and think he's not good enough.)
Luisa I certainly agree with you here.
I think in large part people give you a hard time because it's a very black and white thing for you. It's like in your mind, there is NOT ONE CASE where it's possible that the situation will work out if the couple lives together before they're married.
I have personally seen a number of marriages that began in this way and that are happy marriages.
Anyway, I digress. I, too, couldn't make it through this whole post. Bottom line is you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone that you are so totally unhappy with. This is why I think being "in love" is total crap sometimes. I mean, it's great and all, except when people seem to think it's sufficient for a happy life with someone.
You aren't happy! You might be "in love" with him, but from the post it sounds like you don't even like him and you don't respect him. And you are too lazy to break up with him for housing purposes. You think it will be easier later? It won't be!
8Blah blah blah. You dont love him, you're just afraid of having no boyfriend. You like the IDEA of him.. not him. I agree with all of the ladies above.. break up with him, he's not good enough for you, you dont appreciate him etc etc etc.
Bottom line: He's not what you want. He doesnt believe in the little things like you do, you're just two different people. To some women he would be perfect, to you, he's not. Simple. You're just not meant to be. Break up with him. Simple. I'm sure he wont understand but eventually he'll know it just wasnt meant to be. See if you can switch with one of the people in the 2nd house or just find someone else to take your place and find a new place to live. Either way make it a clean break and just get out of there before you feel worse for leaving.
Good luck!
"Don't fall for someone who's not willing to catch you"
9My relationship's a lot like yours, so it's difficult to give you good advice. All I can say is people don't change. I you really love him and are willing to be with him forever, then accept him as he is. But you know you can do so much better. Men usually need to feel that they've lost you to react. I know it's ridiculous but unfortunately thats the way the work, so maybe you can try to focus on your friends and thins you like even though you live with him. Maybe once he sees you're drifting away he'll do something for you and your relationship. Good luck.
10Fallen85 and Nevaeh1978 have the right idea. I needed that advice myself. Thank you ladies
11Peace and Love
HeavenzGrl79
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