My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly two years. He is the bread winner in our relationship and I am a full time college student. We live together and my "job" is to clean, do laundry, fix things around the house, cook...etc. Sometimes, though, i feel as though my boyfriend walks all over me. For instance, if I get distracted and don't do the laundry RIGHT when he wants it done, or clean the dishes RIGHT when he wants them clean he puts me on a guilt trip and tells me I am making too many excuses. He tells me that I am wrong and that since it's "my job" to be doing these things, he feels like i am not living up to his expectations. Tonight we had friends over and one of our friends was washing dishes as i was cleaning the table, chopping up strawberries, and preparing a meal. Our friend asked if we had a dish towel around and he kept asking me, as i was clearly doing all of this stuff at once, where the dish towels were and if i would go get them. I told him that they were upstairs in the towel closet and asked him if he could go get them. He rolled his eyes and made the "umm you want me to do WHAT" face. I then finished cleaning off the table and went upstairs to grab the towel. After our friends left he came back to the situation and said "Don't EVER make me look bad in front of my friends like that!" I asked him what he meant because I hadnt done anything to make anyone look badly and he replied "You said 'Why dont you go up stairs and GET THEM!?' very rudely" but i hadnt done that at all! He has a problem with control and feels like he has to OWN me and CONTROL me. I constantly feel like i am walking on thin ice with him because often times he corrects what i am doing and makes me feel like i am never good enough. He isn't abusive and he is very loving and caring but he has a bad temper when i try to stand up for myself. He tells me that I am "being too defensive" or "putting up a wall between us" if i stand up for myself. I don't feel equal to him at times and feel like a slave. He says that what he is doing is right and since he is older than I am he knows more about this stuff that I do (we're 9 years apart). His ways are very traditional and your typical "gender-role". We have a great relationship other than this but I don't know what to do. Sometimes i even feel like i am being brain washed. He sometimes says that i have it "to good" because i dont have a job but when i try to stick up for myself by saying "well actually, i have college and family stuff to deal with everyday, as well as keep this house spotless to your liking and take care of you and myself to a T" he gets angry and tells me that those are "minor" and that he deals with things that are far more important every day. Maybe There is something wrong with me for not seeing more of his side of the story but I really feel like I am getting the short end of the stick here. Please help me to understand this situation more thoroughly, i feel blinded!
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Honey, this is really a very bad sign. Most likely, he's only going to get worse. The guilt trips and anger are precursors to violence. I have worked Law Enforcement for 7.5 years and see this often. See if he'll go to counseling with you. I'm very afraid if you let this go, you'll end up a battered partner. I still recommend counseling for yourself, no matter if he goes or not. Good luck!
1get rid of him-he is too controlling and you must stop letting him conrol you. dump him
2Blech~ You need to move on girl!! I've had control freaks like that and one of them 'too' was "very loving" blah blah....I don't think you're being all the way honest about that part....anyway, He is abusive, over bearing, controlling, sarcastic, I could go on and on........you're not married so my suggestion is get out now!!! You can get a job easily. He will not change and you definitely cannot change him, it'll only get worse~ I went to school for M.therapy, had a job, a kid, an apartment....and was single by choice until I met my husband of 5 years now! It can be done!
3Sounds somewhat like mental abuse!
4RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, GIRL!!!
Really, he has self-esteem problems and by making you feel like something less than him makes him feel better. I don't think this could ever change!
5Kick him to the curb... you can do way better!
it may not be physical abuse, but he IS emotionally abusing you and you need to accept that unfortunate fact. he is using his money and role as "provider" as an excuse to control you.
however, you are not exactly doing free work. if he had to pay someone to do all the things you did, it would be a heck of a lot of money!
so no, your relationship is not normal. frankly, there is no such thing as a "normal relationship" but there are HEALTHY relationships and yours is not one of them. a healthy relationship is defined by MUTUAL love and respect, willingness and understanding to hear the other person's viewpoint, compromising so that both people are happy and a general feeling that you both are on equal footing.
Claiming that you feel like a slave and are not able to stand up for yourself and that you are being brainwashed are not signs of a healthy relationship. If you can, move back with your family or find a place on your college campus. Also, most campuses offer free counseling to students so please take advantage of that since he is doing a lot of damage to your psyche. Good luck.
6What a jerk!!! I'm so sorry for you having to put up with that!!! You need to get out of that relationship because he definetely doesn't deserve you!!! He is being the kind of guy I HATE (sorry for being extreme, but he is wrong), me being fairly feminist if you want to call it that. Women do not have to take care of the guy and follow his orders these days, he is not head of the household unless you want him to be, and it sounds like you don't want him to be. You are being perfectly reasonable asking him to help you out with things at home, taking care of all of the household duties plus going to college full time is just as hard if not harder than his job, unless he is figuring out how to achieve world peace, which I really doubt he is doing. Do not feel bad for anything, you are not wrong AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7HAHAHA! I would laugh in his face and tell him to get lost...he doesn't even really deserve that, really I would just leave him without and explanation, he will get over it. Good luck!!!
I'd suggest that if you're unhappy with the way things are, and if he doesn't change his behavior, is for you to start changing things.
"Breadwinner." What do you mean? Does it mean that you're living in his space? You don't pay rent? You don't pay for food too? Do you pay any bills?
How old are you and your parents let you live with your boyfriend knowing he pays ALL the bills? Are they comfortable with this idea?
Sorry, gotta ask those.
If you're unhappy (and yes, what you mention is a BIG part of a relationship so this is no small matter), it's time for YOU to start the change.
GET A PART-TIME job and start putting in some money toward rent and utility bills (if you decided not to move out) if you don't want to be his true blue slave.
I read this a long time ago that women especially can not give up their pink slip. Men don't appreciate women as much when they think the women are dependent on them. Your bf seems to think that you're more of an obligation than a pleasure to be with. He seems to think that you're a burden, and he doesn't appreciate you enough to the point he nitpicks on you and criticizes the things you do in a demeaning way.
It's time to show him that you're more capable than what he thinks you are. It's time for him to realize how much you should have been appreciated.
The only way to do it is to show you'd rather sacrifice the 'good life' with him and flip burger part time or live somewhere else as long as you don't have him talking down on you like that.
Better yet, MOVE OUT. Live with your parents or a roommate. I mean, at least, with parents...they're YOUR PARENTS.
Don't be dependent on him especially financially. If he wanted to spend time with you (this is if you decided to still date him), then let him spend time and
his money on you, but he has to be the one making this move.
I know living with him rent-free is all good financially and it feels nice all 'domesticated' and stuff, but oh man, where's your pride and sense of self going to be if you're getting beat down emotionally and mentally?
So Good luck to you!
P.S.Be mindful that no one is 100% eeeevil or meeean. I've met abusers who are just the nicest sweetest and most charming individuals...until they decided to smack you or verbally insult you then it's back to 'nicey nice' mode. So yep, it's still abuse, darling. And your bf is being abusive and controlling and manipulative so far, so be mindful, show him that you're a capable and independent young woman!
8He is contolling you because he is insecure and cannont control the bigger parts of his life. You will lose yourself as this relatonship continues. Please leave now while you still have some self esteem left.
9Why don't all you high horsed women step down to earth for a minute. If hes a bit controlling, instead of being wimpy why don't you say something. You come crawling to the internet because you want to feel like other women are in the same situation? Well they all are because instead of talking to their man they complain to other women. Grow up and be in the relationship with the guy. "Sweetie, I always do x, you can do it once and a while." "I needed you to help me out with something if you don't like it, too bad." What's he going to say to that? Stop expecting men to be perfect without telling us what to do every once in a while. My god, woman want to be equal in relationships but expect men to be perfect. Ridiculous.
10Men are controlling because woman let them be. You want the man to do everything for you so when you want to do something for yourself men don't get it. f*ck all the women above me. Don't run scared because a bunch of no-nothing woman who will never have a happy relationship because they have unrealistic standards tell you to. Tell him to f*ck off every once in a while, be your own person. Everyone above me, go to hell, you're the reason you're unhappy.
A guy won't hit you because hes pissed, stop being so pathetic.
All the women telling this girl to dump him are stupid, she likes him for a reason. Tell her to FIX her relationship, not ABANDON it because she doesn't know how to be in it.
relationships are about compromise, and leaving him is not a comprimise, its wussing out. Every woman telling her to leave is retarted.
11hi iv been goin out wiv my bf 4 7months n he has cheated on me, he sed it was a mistake n he regrets it all, he made a promise that he wouldnt do it again and i beleve him. but i carnt stop bringing it up wot he has done. and we argue alot over it. we promised 2 forget the past and look 2 the future. we moved in 2gether reasently. i love him so much and i carnt live wivout him im trying 2 forget wot he done but im still hurting. how can i forget wot he has done and will get easier as i dont want 2 live wivout him he means the world 2 me. but he sed that everytime we argue he is falling out love wiv me but only when we argue. i need help cus im so horrible 2 him when i bring it up. when we dont argue and on a normal day we are fantastic. but its when im down i bring the past up. please help me
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