A few years ago, my best friend from high school started making some pretty awful decisions for her life. I was in college and she was not, so we weren't hanging out often, but we'd still talk on the phone etc. She started getting into drugs/alcohol/partying and running with that sort of crowd and I distanced myself for obvious reasons. Finally she started dating a guy I knew to be a horrible person... high school dropout, violent, drug obsessed (you get the picture)... and I told her we could not be friends anymore because the people she was letting into her life could get me in trouble and I wanted no part of that.
Last week, I got a text from a number I didn't recognize... it was her. We chatted a bit and I found out that she was still with the same guy, living together, unemployed and unhappy. She called me tonight and confessed that he hits her sometimes, and that he tells her that he never starts the fights but it's his "thing" to always end them. (What a d-bag!!) So he has no qualms about bringing violence to the table and believes it's his right to hit anyone he disagrees with. He also emotionally abuses her, telling her God doesn't love her and that she's a terrible Christian because she swears and is living with him and having sex before marriage. (Again... total D-bag!!) Anyway, it was obviously an emotional conversation and I can't help but feel like I need to help her. She says she knows that she needs to get out and her whole family has begged her to move back in with her mom... so it isn't like she has nowhere to go. And he doesn't drive, so it's not like he's likely to come after her. I tried to get her to promise me that she would move out by April, but she wouldn't... she started to get dismissive... "I know, I know..." and "Well, you know I'm just trying to figure it all out."
We used to be really close, but like I said, we parted ways and went down different paths. So I already realize that she may not be the same person I left years ago, but she said that she wanted to get back to God and how life was before she got with this guy. I am already emotionally involved and I'm afraid that I'm going to get myself in a heap of trouble trying to help her. I know she has to be the one to leave and start respecting herself. But as far as my involvement goes... where do I draw the line? I've offered to help her move out and to take her out to meet new people, and I was thinking about inviting her to church (although we live about an hour apart right now)... if anyone has helped a friend get out of a bad relationship, how do I make sure I don't push her too hard? What should I watch out for? Should I even be telling her to leave him, or should I just stay out of it?
Pedro Garcia
The only person who can make her leave is herself. Everyone (including you) can only worry yourself sick, but she's an adult and you can't make her do what's good for herself.
To be cruel, they both seem like failures. She's telling you that he hits her and puts her down, but as horrible as it is, did she tell you what she does to him? Maybe she says the same things to him, maybe she hits him first. He is a loser, but are you sure she isn't one as well?
You can't help her if she doesn't want to be helped.
Protect your heart until you find someone who can do it better than you.
1Your friend seems to be at the point where she knows she needs help, she's trying to get help, but she's scared to make the changes she needs to make. She wouldn't have contacted you otherwise. I was in an abusive relationship, and while it is true that she has to be the one to decide to get out, I can say from my experience that it was close to impossible to believe that I deserved a better relationship. Tell her that you love her no matter what, that she has value as a person and that she deserves a great life away from her boyfriend. That she will find someone else to love her and that she already has friends and family who love her. If she feels that she deserves out it will be easier for her to make that choice.
And if that doesn't work, you can always call the police (anonymously if you want) and let them know that there is domestic violence going on in their home.
2Please, please don't abandon your friend. She reached out to you and is crying out for help. Here's what you do:
Let her know that you're there for her when she decides to leave him. Tell her you'll help her move out and find somewhere safe to go when she's ready.
Document ALL instances of abuse - date, time and location when possible. This is VERY important because it's the only way she'll be able to get a restraining order when she leaves him. Don't let her know you're doing it, just ask her often about how things are going and let her know it's okay to talk to you and that you won't judge her.
Set up a word with her, so she can call if things get so bad she's fearing for her life. For example, it could be "recipe". So if she calls and says "I wanted to get that recipe from you" you know to call the police for her.
Good luck - remember you can be there to support her without being totally enmeshed in the drama.
3Luisa's got it spot on, also if you im each other, save the im chats. *That code word or behavior or something is also very very important.* Also, I'd tell her to keep important items stashed away in a place, maybe a small suitcase with her most important documents, an extra wallet with id, money or w/e else; well hidden away. Just incase she needs to get out of there fast, she can grab and go. And have someone she can trust and go to and stay with, so she wouldn't end up at an incident and out on the street alone on a cold night.
4If you live close to a University, there are usually anti violence centers there, or you can contact a need crisis line in your area, they will be able to give you or your friends some resources and numbers to call. Perhaps you could visit the anti violence center and get some more information on how you can help your friend. But ultimately, if she does not want to leave, no one can force her to. I agree that you can be involved without putting yourself at risk. I hope that she leaves, but oftentimes these situations involve a cycle of violence where the women is used to putting up with it or her self esteem is so low that she can't get herself out of it. The main thing she needs right now is support from family and friends to help her leave. You can tell her that you are there for her if she ever decides to do it and that you will back her up. That doesn't mean you have to get overly involved in the situation to the extent that you feel angry or helpless and it is upsetting you all the time. Ultimately, it is up to her. Good luck to you.
5when your friend got into this relationship you ended ur friendship with her? thats f*cked up. did you ever think that thats the thing that made it worse? you dont leave your friends in a time like that. your a pretty sh*tty friend if you ask me.
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