Hello to all of you,
My story has already been featured here in the past and I got amazing advice from all of you.
I was really sure things were over between my boyfriend and I a few months ago. Now I am back in the same boat, but with a rather surprising twist to the story. My boyfriend is American and I am from Montreal, Canada. I moved to L.A to be with him a little over 2 years ago. I went through huge ups and downs with him, did everything you could imagine for him. Name it, I did it. I'm actually ashamed of myself for letting him be my life and letting him get away with things and never doing what I should have done a long time ago.Get away from him.
This summer, the tables switched and he moved to Montreal for me. I noticed shortly after he arrived that he seemed distant and not himself. We had gone through many "breaks" and separations in the past and I assumed he was readjusting to living together again or perhaps that he was homesick. I was wrong. It was more than that. He had brought with him from L.A all the resentment he had bottled up inside against me and that he had not gotten over. He got a job in Montreal that pays him alot of money, he never saw that kind of cash in his own city and I started realizing that maybe he is here for work and not me. I was right. A big breakup almost happened in August and then we tried, rather I tried to make things work, My birthda came and go and was a total disaster, his was shortly after and I tried to forget mine and celebrate with him, Disaster part 2.
A week ago, he told me he wants out. That he will remain in Montreal and work and that we should not be together. Of course, I was and still am devastated and feel betrayed and used since he came to MY city and acted like a total dog with me and now is telling me he is staying here? I never would have remained in L.A to be in his face, especially if he was not ok with it. These days, he is saying something else. He wants to REMAIN together while we are separated and see what could happen later on, but as opposed to the past, with no promises of a future, just a "maybe". Deja vu. He has said that many times before, and I do reunite with him and then end up in the same situation I am now. Only, I never thought he would do this to me in my town. Never. I think what bugs me the most here besides the whole separation, break up whatever you want to call it, is the fact that he is remaining in Montreal and working when he said he would never be able to stay here if he and I were not together. Yes, I feel used and yes I feel like he tricked me. I guess I just never realized what kind of person he is until now. I got the most terrible email from him tonight where he gave me until Wednesday night to make a decision: Either stay together and take a break and me leaving Montreal to go be with my family who are in Israel and France and do it shortly and show him an itinerary for my flight. OR, break up for good and deal with the pain and leave either way since HE payed for the rent of October. If I dont give him an answer by Wednesday night, he says he will give our landlords 30 days notice and leave by the end of the month. He said he didnt want to get to this and that it isnt an ultimatum, but that since no decision had been made, he had to step up and take action and that living together as we are now is unbearable for him as he wants to take a break urgently. Now, getting a ticket to leave is not a problem as my family will help....I just feel very confused and lost and I dont know what to do....I actually left Israel to be with him and have no family in Montreal (we left Montreal a few years ago to immigrate to Israel) and I turned down job offers lately and have nothing keeping me here but I still feel like he is getting the last laugh by staying here and making me so distraught he knows I will leave as I know my presence in Montreal makes him uneasy and bothers him.....Im just also scared I will really let him back in my life in Israel.
What do I do? I havent been eating or sleeping and I am constantly crying and in pure misery.
Please help! How do I move on from this and get my life back?? How do I forget him and realize he is toxic to me and will only hurt me in the long run?? How do I gain my pride back and never let him in again?
Thanks for all your advice and help!
V.
Fooled again
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Why don't you stop thinking about what this controlling douche wants and ask yourself "What do I want?"
Do you like Montreal and want to live there? If so, move out, get a job, and say adios to this motherf*cker. He doesn't own Montreal, and if you stay or leave it should be because it's best for YOU, not best for him. By the way, LA and Montreal are big cities...why do you feel like you can't live there if your relationship doesn't work out? I am sorry, but that is just weird to me.
I hate to say it, but you are a major doormat. You need to decide what you want to do with your life career-wise, where you want to live, near family or not etc., and all of these decisions should have absolutely NOTHING to do with him.
You feel used, you feel tricked, he sends you terrible e-mails, he gives you ultimatums....tell me again what you are getting out of this relationship. How do you forget him? Cut him out of your life, and I mean completely. Move out and close the door.
You will never get anywhere until you do.
1WHAT A JERK!!!
2I think i know how you feel...Leane him RIGHT NOW,i'm sure you have friends who can take you in while you plan your trip (it will be nice to be with your family for a while) and then come back to YOUR town, dont leave because he's there and he's gonna feel "uneasy"... run from this guy, and fast, dont let him think that you depend on him in ANY way, keep your dignity and you'll be fine, and always remember...You wont miss him, you'll miss the man you thought he was... and obviously he's not, so you're not loosing anything...GOOD LUCK
Wow Jazzy, you said exactly what I was thinking, down to the words doormat and douche bag.
3Yep...all of the above dear...get away from this *sshole and move on. He is no good to you and you are miserable with him. His jaw may drop when you say goodbye. You will be just fine hun.
4Get the book, "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" by Robin Norwood. Read it, learn it, live it.
How do you get your life back? It's your life - you gave it to this creep, and you can take it back. The book will help you figure out why you did what you did, and how to avoid making the same bad decisions in the future. But you need to start making good decisions TODAY. What you share with this man is not love - it's co-dependence; it's a power struggle; it's masochistic - but it's not love.
Pack up your things, block his emails, change your phone number, get on a plane, and start putting your energy into getting yourself healthy. Good luck.
5Jazzytummy always gives good advice and I second everything she says. I would be seething with anger. I would would be concocting ways to make this *sshole suffer. The thing is your pride is really stinging now. Don't confuse that with love. It's in the back of your mind how much you've invested in this whole thing so now you don't want to lose it. Relationships are like an investment. Sometimes you win and then sometimes you loose. He's like having a losing investment. When certain indicators start moving into the negative, you gotta sell them at face value and start over. Or be in the negative soon, which is worse. This guy should be worshiping the ground you walk on but instead he's wiping his dirty LA feet all over you. Too bad he doesn't go back to that corner of the world. Anyway I would ask, why the hell he thinks it's OK to have you report to him your ticket or your decision? Huh? Let him know when you're in the airport and call him collect on his cell phone. Maybe a trip would be better than sitting there in Montreal another month with him. Who cares if he paid the rent, I would explain to him he needs to get the hell out and get his own place and he should be able to afford it anyway with his big job he has. If it were me the love would over and I would go so far as to packing up a few bags for him and leaving them outside the door. After that I would go to the airport, call my best friends in Isreal/France and make some plan over two glasses of cabernet at the airport lounge. If he calls you there, make sure you're drunk and let him talk to your new friend at the bar, maybe a handsome guy headed to Pais? Anyway come back to Montreal if you want, or whatever. It's your life.
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