My boyfriend and I broke up a few days before Christmas, after 8.5 months of dating. We had been arguing, and he said he didn't see a future for us. So it should be as simple as that, right? No future = no relationship. My question is.. do you think circumstances can get in the way of what could be a good relationship or you either have it or you don't?
Back story: My boyfriend was also my best friend for 4 years before we even discussed taking it further. Part of the reason we never had that discussion was because he was dating one of my housemates. They broke up, and after awhile we decided to see what, if anything, was there. We first kissed in January after spending winter break discussing whether or not we should try it. He said he absolutely didn't want to. We spent hours and hours making out every day for like 6 weeks, and then he thought I wanted a relationship and he didn't. So we stopped. Then a few weeks later he tells me I have his heart and we start dating officially. Except I'm still living with his ex, and I don't particularly like her because she is a fake b*tch, so I don't want to tell her and my other housemates until I'm not living with them. We're 'official' at the beginning of April, we tell everyone at the beginning of June. All of my other friends/housemates were just like, "Ohh, yeah I'm not surprised. I saw that coming. Congrats." The ex stopped talking to me, which I don't care about. Also, in May we graduated from college and went from being 2 minutes apart to an hour apart. Not tooo bad, but still an adjustment.
In the beginning of June, I started working in an overnight summer camp. I was in charge of 10 counselors and like 30 kids 24/7, so it was stressful and I didn't have much free time. We still saw each other about once a week, but I got upset when we talked on the phone because he never seemed excited about it, and that's all we had to go on. I guess that's just a typical lame girl thing.
In August my dad died. My boyfriend was there when I found out. He was very sweet and supportive, even though there's nothing anyone can do. Then I moved home for the first time in 4 years. It took me 2 months to find a job in a daycare 45 minutes away. The people there were gossipy and my boss was passive-aggressive and I was not happy.
My point with all this is.. I've never had so much change in my life. And although I was happy with my boyfriend, I know I was overwhelmed with grief and it caused me to be very, very needy and sometimes very critical. I guess on some level I was afraid to be happy because it was like, I lost my dad. How can I be happy? I don't know if this makes sense, but I feel like my boyfriend got tied in with my grief, somehow. He was there when I found out, like I said, so then I was turning to him every time I felt pain. I didn't want to upset my mom and sister further, and it hurt too much to explain how I was feeling to my other friends. So I realize I was asking him to be my boyfriend, my best friend, my therapist, etc etc. Plus, moving home means being away from all of my friends, so must weekends he was the only one I hung out with. That put a lot of pressure on him and our time together. I know that, but I couldn't stop myself from getting upset over silly little things. I.e. If he IMd me, I'd complain he didn't text me. If he texted me, I'd complain he didn't call me. We talked every day for a few hours in some form or another, but I'd be mad if he didn't write back on my facebook wall etc etc etc.
Another thing I just realized recently.. We went from being friends to being in a relationship, but we didn't really change anything except the physical aspect. We didn't spend time with each other's friends or family and make room for one another in our lives. I guess that's bc we were used to hanging out alone, and when we started dating we didn't tell anyone so it wasn't exactly time for double dates. But I now feel like he couldn't see me in his future bc it was like he could spend time with his family/friends or me, and that's never how I intended it to be.
One moreee thing [haha], about 10 days before we broke up.. we were semi-arguing, and I heard his dad in the background saying, 'Hang up on her. You don't deserve to be put down like that. That ain't love, that's nothing. If she calls back, she's not allowed here again. Hang up.' Which, you know, broke my heart. Apparently his dad thought/thinks we argue too much. My boyfriend claimed that his dad's opinion had nothing to do with our breaking up, but I feel like it had to. He is VERY close to his family, and spends more time with them than anyone I know. Without sounding conceited, I'm not used to people disliking me. I'm very friendly and easygoing and polite and funny etc. The only thing is it takes me a bit to open up to people, and since his dad makes me uncomfortable and we never spent much time together, he never got to know me. Plus, whenever I went to my boyfriend's house, we just said hello to his parents and then hung out in his room. I know at the time I was burnt out from camp and just wanted to relax, but now I realize his dad probably saw me as this b*tchy person who was trying to take away his son, and that's not me at all.
Soo basically.. I know myself, and I know that I am NOT needy. I like to do things on my own and spend time with my friends and go to the gym etc etc. And everytime I talk to a friend about this situation and say that I got kind of dependent on my boyfriend, the response is always the same: You're not clingy at all. You're like the most laidback person I know. I have since allowed myself to talk to my family about my grief and rely on my other friends too.
I guess what I'm asking is, do you think that keeping our relationship a secret/graduating from college/being away for the summer/losing my dad/hating my job/being unemployed [ugh i got a new job and left the daycare, but the new job fell through. so i've been unemployed for 2 months. for awhile, i was semi-depressed, but i think i've worked through it]/my cousin moving in with us [ohh umm my cousin had nowhere to go and is living in my living room. i haven't seen him in 10 years, so i'm just getting to know him and was just getting used to not having my dad around. so it's another adjustment] can throw a relationship off course?
In my eyes, if I had been dating anyone else, it wouldn't have survived all that. But I know my [ex] bf/best friend cares a lot about me because he always has, and he wanted to be there for me. I know that he was amazing and I feel like I couldn't appreciate that because I was grieving. And now I feel like that all the things we have were overshadowed by my life in general being so freaking sh*tty. We've talked basically every day for 5 years and still have things to say to each other, we make each other laugh, we're there for each other, we can have fun doing nothing, we trust each other, we're attracted to each other, we inspire and challenge one another.. etc etc. I feel like all of those things are so rare to find in another person, and I don't want to lose that.
The thing is.. now he's decided that he wants to focus on his career [ugh another side note, he just got his first fulltime teaching job in january, and didn't think he could handle dating/teaching] and his family and doesn't want a relationship. I respect that, or I'm trying to, but I can't help feel like our relationship doesn't have to be so stressful and hard. Now that I've gotten used to being at home, and I still miss my dad every second but it's getting [a little bit] easier, and I realize that for a long time I wasn't myself and didn't even know it, I feel like things could be so much better. If we just had dinner with my mom once in awhile or went to the movies with his parents or went to visit his friends at school, etc etc. I want to show him that he can balance it all, but once he's made his mind up it's hard to change it. Add to that the fact that we're both incredibly stubborn sometimes, and it's both of us just pushing our own opinion because we want to be right. He said he knows I was/am going through a hard time, but that it doesn't affect his feelings for me. And I just feel like it has to.
I keep telling myself to just wait it out, but it's so hard because sometimes I can't sleep at night because I can't stop thinking about it, and he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up. And I feel like it's amazing that we still were pretty happy most of the time despite all of the stressors in our lives/relationship. Part of it may just be me being lonely, but I miss holding his hand and kissing him and waking up next to him and all that normal stuff. I just don't want to feel like not only did my dad's death completely change my life, but it also ruined a great relationship.
So yeah.. I'm trying to be patient and let him realize we could be really happy, but do you think I should just move on because if "it" is there, it's there.. regardless of the circumstances?
Sorry this was so very long. Consider it a novella.
Kate Moss
You are overanalyzing everything, and you also sound a little desperate for him, even if you are not generally a needy person. Unfortunately it sounds like you were always more into being his girlfriend than he was into being your boyfriend. I think he has just realized he prefers being friends with you. I'm sure it hurts, sorry. Time to move on and get back on your feet. You deserve someone who wants you as bad as you want him.
1That's heartbreaking!
Obviously you've been through a lot of stress. But life will do that to you sometimes. If it's not one thing, it's another. At the end of a relationship, I think you're always going to think to yourself, if only things had been different... In reality, this is what happened, and you can't go back and change it. You can wish and hope and wait for him, but he may never change his mind about it.
So yes, do your best to move on. Time heals. Good luck!
2I'm sorry you are going through this.
It's hard because even if you aren't normally needy, from all perspectives, you were definitely needy in your relationship with him.
From his father's perspective, I'm sure all he hears is his son's side of the conversation, trying to defend himself for texting instead of calling, or IM-ing instead of texting. It sounds like you took all your neediness and frustration out on him and that it wasn't healthy. I agree with his father that it isn't "love".
I think you need to get your life together and stop focusing on this guy. It's like he's your salvation instead of you being your own salvation.
You are still dealing with your father, you can't hold down a job for more than a few months, you are still working on making friends etc.
I'm not saying it's your fault - it's just the situation you are in. But your relationship with him couldn't possibly improve until you find happiness on your own.
Good luck.
3You are way overanalyzing everything that's happening. The relationship is over. Let it go.
You might find counseling helpful in order to deal with all the major changes you've gone through in the past year.
4You're no longer together and it's better that you accept that. Find activities, get out of the house, live your life!
5You probably need counseling for your loss, and dealing with the depression.
Let go of your ex.
I understand that you think it's all because of the circumstances and the depression but it's also partly due to the part of your taking him for granted thinking he'll just 'take' it. He's a young man too, it's the time of his life that he wants to 'spread his wings,' enjoy life, be happy and focus on career, etc.
And if I were his parent, I'd probably not think you're the best gf in the world and most likely encourage him to find someone better. Not that you're horrible, it's just that not everyone is compatible in a ROMANTIC relationship. They may work out as friends, but not as lovers/gf/bf.
But in the end it's always the son's choice, and he's chosen to leave the relationship as your bf, but maybe he'll stay as a good friend to you after enough time to mourn the loss of the relationship and get over the pain.
You should start anew. Focus on yourself and your career. If in the future you guys meet up and decide to give it another try (the key word: IF), then, MAYBE it's going to happen. But don't hold your breath, just focus on yourself first and foremost.
Good luck to you.
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