Maybe I'm being irrational, but I'd like to submit for everyone a problem I have with my boyfriend. I don't need to, but I'll start by saying he's a great guy... tells me every day he loves me, is always very respectful and appreciative for the things I do for him. However, we are at different levels of comfort with roommate situations.
I recently moved in with two roommates I met on a website (we didn't know each other prior) and he has lived with the same roommates for 4 years or so. While I am a sharer, I hate imposing (or feeling as though I'm imposing) and generally try not to consume too much of my roommates' food. My roommates and I had decided we'll do "community food", except that with my very recent dietary restrictions (lactose intolerant... ugh) I can't eat anything they eat. That's fine by me and I offer some lactose-free dishes when I make them, however generally live on Kashi cereal with soy milk because I'm usually too busy to cook. My boyfriend's house is gross and I won't eat there. He never has food anyway though, only beer, and he and his roommate share all foodstuffs. I told him that my roommates and I were doing a community fridge at one point while I was moving in, but I didn't think anything of it at the time.
He assumed that meant he could come into my house and grab a beer (or 4) and munch on the tortilla chips and salsa my roommate had bought for a party. I asked him quietly and in private not to drink all my roommates' beer and I picked up a 6 pack at the store specifically for him, but the next time he came over he helped himself to whatever he wanted from the fridge. I tried talking to him about it a couple of times in the past, but it never stuck. Finally I blew up this weekend, after he once again helped himself to a "special" thing my roommate had purchased. He actually went out of his way to ask her if he could have it, but the fact that I asked him not to and he did it anyway pushed me over the edge. To me, it felt like he was doing it on purpose because I asked him specifically not to treat my house like his own personal pantry. I told him this, and that it is not appropriate for him to come over and behave like anything other than a guest. He in turn said that he thought having a beer wouldn't be a problem because I told him we were on a "community" system and sharing food.
So... we had a verbal argument and he called me a control freak. I said he's disrespectful and using me as a doormat in my own home. I feel like I'm justified in being upset that he treats my house as though he lives here too. He feels like it's not a big deal for him to help himself to food and drink. Who is right? And what can I do to resolve this, short of not having him over anymore?
Boyfriend/Roommate Interaction
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Your boyfriend is a douchebag. He did not buy the food, it is not his frig, he did not agree on community food....the fact that he is not only taking your stuff, but also your roommates' speaks volumes about his maturity level or lack thereof. He is being rude and self-absorbed. The only reason he is eating out of your frig is because it is free and he has nothing in his own.
You are NOT a control freak...you are just being respectful of your roommates. He is an unappreciative freeloader. If you want to stay with this tool and put up with his selfishness and arrogance, then buy food for him to keep in your frig and tell him all of the other stuff is off limits.
Personally, I wouldn't follow my own advice, because I would bail...selfish people just don't change, sorry.
1I think you need to take a long, hard look at your boyfriend:
1. He doesn't clean. If his house is messy all the time, are you going to want to spend your life picking up his messes?
2. He doesn't know how to feed himself. A man cannot survive on beer alone.
3. He might respect you, but he doesn't seem to respect your position by taking your roommate's food.
He hasn't agreed the to the community fridge and should know that it doesn't apply to people outside the household. Maybe have you roommates confront him about it, since he doesn't seem to want to listen to you (though, there's another problem with him you might want to examine).
Off chance, any way your boyfriend is in a frat?
2You're right, he's wrong. Kiddo, you can't compartmentalize people - each person is the ENTIRETY of his/her behavior. That means you can't say, "He's a great guy," then describe how he arrogantly disregards the house rules you and your roommates have established, doesn't care that it makes you angry, and doesn't care if his selfish behavior creates tension between you and your roommates.
He's foolishly trying to turn this situation into a power struggle (and I say foolishly, because power struggles are stupid; and he can't win: either your roommates will ban him from your house, or you will).
What can you do to resolve the situation short of not having him over? I don't know....I guess you could put a lock on the fridge and lock down your cabinets....but that will only keep him out of your roommates' food and beer. It won't do anything to address the fact that he's a selfish, immature jerk who doesn't care about your house, your rules, your roommates, or your feelings.
3That's the thing... he was in a frat for 5 years (engineering school) and lived with his frat brothers for the last 4 years. They are pretty used to the lifestyle. He has a very close-knit group of frat brothers (and their live-in girlfriends/wives) who have the same "what's mine is yours" attitude. Boundary-free. It's quite nice that they are so comfortable together, but I think it's unreasonable for him to assume my house and roommates automatically fall into that category, too.
I wonder if he's projecting the "control freak" onto me, in response to his crappy living situation. The reason his house isn't clean is not really that he's a messy guy... he gave up. His roommate is a manchild and throws tantrums if asked to clean anything or contribute to the household. Real tantrums, where he throws things. In fact, they are currently having a toilet-paper-standoff. My boyfriend hides his own stash of TP in his room because this roommate won't buy any. He doesn't usually eat at his house either because his roommate leaves all the dishes, dirty, in his own bedroom or the living room. And a few weeks ago, he told me that his roommate hasn't bought beer since before the summer. His whole living situation baffles me, honestly, because I wouldn't live with someone like his roommate. Perhaps he's taking it out on me, with or without realizing it?
Regardless, he IS totally being a douchebag about my roommate situation. And I was totally in the right for calling him out on it (thanks for the backup!). Like I said, in other areas he's great (respectful, considerate, complimentary) so I don't want to immediately throw the whole relationship away because he's got a case of the snackin'-grabbies. Would it be ridiculous for me to keep a boyfriend-snack-cabinet for him? Either his manners will return when provided with food that he can eat, or they won't and I'll know this isn't just a hunger-induced personality disorder, right?
4That makes more sense now. Firstly, he needs to find a new place to live. His living situation just doesn't sound healthy. And I think the boyfriend "snack cabinet" sounds like a good-ish idea. Or maybe to quell his snacking you could make meals for the two of you (or make them together), so that he's not hungry enough to snack all the time.
Since it doesn't sound like he's contributing to the fridge supplies, maybe have him start buying stuff for your roommates (ie contribute to the fridge), and ask your roommates to mark special things with a post-it or something so he doesn't take them (or anyone else by mistake). That way he doesn't have to sacrifice food to his roommate and your roommates aren' tlosing food to him.
5We both know you're way too smart for this, woman.
I really don't understand why your inclination is to reward him for his douchebaggery. Hunger-induced personality disorder? You're kidding, right? He's a grown man. You're not his mother, and your house is not his mother's house. Nobody else is responsible for feeding him but him. So if he wants to eat someone else's food and drink someone else's beer on a regular basis, maybe he should try kicking in his fair share to your weekly food budget.
He calls you controlling because you demand that he respect you and your roommates in your own house, and you think buying him his own snack cabinet is going to solve that problem? It may address the symptom, but not the problem.
You say the way he and his friends take advantage of each other seems to work for them, but then you say he's living in squalor and locking up his toilet paper because his roommate is a violent a**hole. And you rationalize his bad behavior away by saying maybe he's taking the angst of his screwed up living situation out on you? Why are you making all these excuses for him? Why are you so anxious to acquiesce to his immature, rude, disrespectful behavior? If his living situation is so awful, why doesn't he just grow a pair and change the situation instead of treating you and your roommates the same crappy way his crappy roommate treats him?
Go ahead and indulge him if you want, but I hope it suits you - you're going to get a lot of practice.
6What honey said. And you ARE too smart for this BS....I've read your posts on here for a long time.
7I've thought it over and I think you're right honey, in that giving him free reign in one cupboard is still pandering. I think it would be magnanimous of me to have food that he likes to eat when he comes over (which is only once or twice a week), but he should definitely ask for it, not just take it. Thank goodness I have you girls to keep my head straight!
8Even if we have to kick your booty to keep your head straight? Any time, kid.
9He's young. Immature. Spoiled. It's gonna take a lot for him to understand boundaries. Too bad your roommate didn't make a bigger deal out of it. Maybe by asking him for cash out of his wallet for the beer. But he needs to wake up, hello. Wait until he starts working and he tries to take someone else's lunch. You know what he needs? A taste of his own medicine. Have him buy an expensive beer with a note on it. Then have a friend just help themselves to it. I would ask myself, what does this guy need to get it through his thick head? I would get so irritated I would start asking him for cash to cover food expenses for your place. You have the right since he helps himself anyway. He sounds like a chow hound. Like a lot of men are.
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