Boyfriend going on long vacation w/ friends... and I thought I was the one going

Wow. I would just casually mention that you had thought that you would be taking this trip together and you are a bit annoyed about not being told that he had changed his mind about this BEFORE he went and invited other friends on the trip. Then you should go ahead and plan your own fabulous trip with YOUR friends and forget about him. Either he's being a jerk or he's just clueless, but no matter what, you should make sure that he knows that you don't need him to have a good time.

Oh boy. This is a tough one. I can only share my experience with you and maybe it would help somehow.
It happened to me and also it happened to my best friend in college. In both cases there were huge arguments. I always keep my cool, but this trip got under my skin. My boyfriend at the time decided to go to Tahiti with his best friend. I blew up in an argument fighting. He knew how pissed I was so he booked a trip later to Paris just for the two of us. If I had acted like I didn't care I would have never gone to Paris. So it was worth it to be mad. Then I finally simmered down. With my friend in college her boyfriend decided to take a guys trip to Europe for two weeks after graduation. Whew. When I saw her shouting, fuming with tears and door slamming my little fight was nothing. Anyway he still went. I swear she never forgave him though. When he got home they booked ANOTHER trip to Europe just for the two of them or I swear she would have never let it go. In your case he's already had three weeks in South America, plus this is graduation. If I could go back in time I would have made sure I met up with him in Tahiti anyway say after he was there for one week. Or maybe I could have met him in Bora Bora next island over. Sort of a happy compromise somehow.

I guess you're not as important to him as you think. Some men are cold. They will choose their friends over their girlfriends.

But if you were his wife, he will probably choose you first. He's obligated to do so.

Since you're just a girlfriend, he can do whatever he pleases. He's not tie down to you like in a marriage.

My advice: Get rid of him. He's a cold snake.

That's cold of him if you guys have been discussing about taking a trip together after graduation and he ditches you for his friends.
Are you sure that he's not planning another trip for the two of you? Has he mentioned it after he told you about his plan with his friends?
If it were me, I'd probably think that this was a sign that he's not as committed as he seemed despite the years of being together. Then take my own vacation with friends before basically dumping him LOL. But of course, every person has different perspective and type of relationship, maybe you guys are more the easy-going type and can come to a compromise (as in, you take vacation together after his trip or etc).
I'd hate to yell and get mad at a bf when he slighted me in hope that he'd make it up to me, he should know better to begin with esp. like your bf, he sounded 'guilty' so he KNOWS that he's not being a good guy when he's picking his friends over you.

The only time this ever happened to me was by an ex-bf, he was planning a long trip to Brazil without even thinking about involving me and I should've caught on earlier that he wasn't as committed to our (past) relationship as he had claimed to be.
At that time I wasn't mad but at the back of my mind I thought 'wow, that's weird that he didn't even bother to ask if I wanted to come with him' but basically brushed it off as me being too sensitive.

Sure enough we broke up around 2 weeks before his trip.

*Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it AFTER your conditions have been met.*

Please, talk to him. He may have no idea you feel this way, and may be more than happy to include you in his trip. Perhaps since you hadn't mentioned it, he assumed you didn't want to go?

he can't read your mind. my boyfriend makes plans sometimes that don't include me and sometimes it makes me upset- he doesnt do it to intentionally hurt me... sometimes he's clueless when it comes to little things... with your boyfriend, this isn't something little. it was something that you had talked about in the past. also 4 weeks is a long time to be away from friends. he didn't even tell you what his plans were until he had already made them- with other people. if after 3 years your boyfriend is making such large decisions without even telling you or including you in them- its not a good sign.

i think you need to talk to your boyfriend- not only about this trip but also about where he sees your relationship going.

4 weeks is a long time to be away with friends without you*- sorry i made a mistake.

Book your own trip. If you can't find a friend to go with you, fly somewhere to visit a friend. It doesn't have to be for 3 or 4 weeks, just get out of town and have something to look forward to.

Don't make excuses for him - he knows you wanted to go, and even if he didn't, it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.

Whatever you do, don't guilt him into planning a second trip for the two of you. He'll just resent you and you'll feel bad the whole time knowing it wasn't his idea.

Man, I would be sitting back wondering, why is this person putting his friends before me? This is not a night out on the town, this is a long trip that he knew you were planning to take with him.

I'm sorry, but if someone is really into you, he can't wait to spend time with you and would be excited to plan a trip with you..especially if you haven't had much time together because of school.

Whether or not he plans a separate trip with you, you yell and scream, or say nothing, the only relevant fact is that he didn't think of you first. I think you really did to take time away while he is gone to reflect on if he is always this self-absorbed, and if so, if you want to be a part of it.

Ouch. That really stings. Like you said there is nothing you can do about it. It's a big piece of information about how he feels about your relationship vs. how you feel about it.

Personally, I think throwing a tantrum is the wrong way to go. But, I wouldn't sit silent either. I would just say that it hurts your feelings that he's taking this trip with his friends instead of you, and that you're not sure why he ignored your previous plans. Then, watch him squirm because he should.

Guilt-trip him, why the hell not!? :lol It's definitely not good that he'd ignore you like that. Bring it up.

i dont think you should have to guilt trip someone into making big plans with you after you've been dating them for 3 years and this is a supposedly "serious" relationship. its not healthy. the fact that he made such huge plans with other people without even considering you or your feelings especially after having talked about this with you in the past is not a good sign at all. i dont think you should make him take a trip with you to make up for this. if he wanted you to be included or to spend this vacation with you he would have. after 3 years i would expect much much more.

Sorry but he obviously doesn't want you to go if you've already brought it up and he isn't doing a dang thing to change it. My boyfriend has the means to go on long trips with his friends but ever since we've started dating, we've been on 4 trips together. Two with friends and two alone. I understand guys want their guy time and that's why we both decided we'd take two separate trips.. a trip for me and my girlfriends and a trip for him and his buddies.. but we talked about that FAR in advance .. it wasn't a surprise. I couldn't imagine thinking I was going on a trip with him and then at the last minute he tells me he's going with the guys.. especially for weeks at a time.

(FYI to those above. Sometimes guilt trips/tantrums can work. My friend was married shortly after the trip fight.) Still sucks though that men can be so dam stupid.

yeah it can work but do you really want to have to bully your significant other into doing things they should be doing? i just dont think forcing someone into doing something is the way to go. yes it works sometimes, but almost always it will backfire- maybe not right away but it usually does.

thanks so much for all of your advice. I've talked to my boyfriend, and he's "sorry". He understands why I'm upset but he can't take back what he already did.

The question is, what do I do now? Like MissJules said, I'm not going to bully him into a mindset that he should already have, or force him to do anything that he should already be doing. For me, our relationship has receded – I don't feel as close to him, and I think I've actually fallen out of love with him a little. I'm also just plain pissed off. I've decided to back off and focus on me for a while, since he's obviously not as invested in our relationship as I was before. But I'm not sure I want to break up with him. I don't know where to go from here.

This is hard...

Like I said, plan your own trip. Focus on that.

Oh. Really sorry to hear...Have you ever been to Europe? Just a suggestion. Summers are beautiful there. You could get a train pass to different countries with some girlfriends. I think airfare to Germany is cheap now last time i checked. Theres nothing better than going on a trip like that. You can make lifelong memories. I like Amsterdam. I go there every year with my husband. Italy is great. Just think of what that south coast line in Spain would be like? or Greece? it will be a great focus, something like that. You deserve something really nice for your graduation.

do things for yourself. hes not changing his plans nor is he including you in them. i think you need to call up your girlfrends and hit the town or go on a vacation with them while hes away.. during the time you are away from him i think you need to decide what you want when he gets back.

First thing: Europe is NOT cheap during the summer. Trust me I just got back. The flights weren't that bad but the Euro is still killing, and as someone who has lived in Europe the hotels are three time more expensive during the summer.

I agree with the board. Plan a trip with your friends and go somewhere you want to go. If you don't have friends available that can go or can't afford to go, go by yourself. Do a little research there are a bunch of great programs like Contiki where you can travel with a group so you're not alone, or check out volunteer vacations. One of my friends just did one to Africa and worked with baby elephants, to get over a breakup and came back with such a different attitude towards life. I did Contiki when my boyfriend cancelled our vacation to take a job (we both work freelance) after we had both promised not to cancel another vacation for work. In my case it's hard to stay mad at someone for working as I have had to cancel a bunch of things, including his birthday dinner, because of work. He ended up making it up to me by surprising me in Italy after the job he did was over. For me though it never came down to a huge fight or guilting him into it. I told him how I felt, I told him I was going without him, and my friends told him he was dumb to miss out on being in Italy with me (they were kind about it).

I know you're mad now, but if you really want to be in a relationship with this person try again to have a mature conversation with him over it. Maybe you can work out a compromise. Maybe he can do the first part of the trip with his friends and then meet up with you and your friends for the second part. This gives you both the option of hanging with your friends, hanging as a group, or being just the two of you.

If that's not an option do not stay at home and sulk. You'll only be mad at yourself later when you didn't take advantage of your free time. The best revenge is having a good time. Go out and have a great time yourself and you won't have enough time to be mad over his being a jerk or obsess over what he's doing. Who knows while you're away you may realize that you don't really want to be in this relationship or you might decide that it's exactly where you want to be.

She's a student. They get discounts on tickets.