I've been with my boyfriend for around 8 years, we got together when we were 18 and 19. I still love him, and we get along great together, but I'm worried we're not heading in the same direction, and the physical attraction is nearly gone.
I feel like he's been following me the entire time - just doing whatever he needs to do to stay close to me, which I'm sure a lot of girls would be happy with, but its not enough for me. He seems to have no ambition - he followed me into a PhD in a similar area - I graduated, and took on a job half-way around the world, he was going to finish, and then follow me 6 months later. (I wasn't running away, just couldn't keep hanging around waiting for him to finish any more - I needed a job, this was a good one.) He stayed behind for 18 months to finish, but in the end, its been decided he probably won't finish, and came here anyway. He was looking for another job, but things fell through, and now we're working in the same place. I told him at the time working together wasn't ideal, but if it meant he could be here with me, it was worth it. Now I'm starting to wonder. He started a PhD he hated because of me, he's now working basically with me, even though he's not really thrilled about what he does. I've told him he can make the next decision about where we go and what we do, but he just won't make that decision, he can't commit to any decision, except the one to stay with me. I'm starting to lose respect for him due to his lack of ambition. He has lots of hobbies that he's talked about turning into a career, and I've said I'd support, help him out starting a new business, whatever he needs, but he always backs away from those ideas, and wants to take the path of least resistance.
I'm not convinced he wants kids, either. He says now he does, though he never brings them up unless I do. I ask about where he sees himself in 5 or 10 years, and I'm always in the picture, but to get him to mention kids takes prompting from me, which suggests its not a priority for him.
We've talked about all this, he knows how I feel. Obviously he hasn't asked me to marry him, and while I don't necessarily mind about that, I feel like its another decision he doesn't want to make. If I suggested it, he'd probably do it, but once again I'd feel like he's just following me, keeping me happy instead of doing something for himself. Also, with everything I'm thinking, I'm not even sure I could say yes now. I know I should be happy with him - he treats me great, we get along well, but I'm sure we're just friends now, nothing more. I want someone who can stimulate and inspire me. I know relationships go through ups and downs, and I'm hoping that I come out of this down soon and really know how good it all is for me, but I just can't see it happening. Am I expecting too much of him?
Chloe
Eight years is waaaay too long to putz along in a relationship that's going nowhere. I think you already know the answer. Instead of staying out of habit, end the relationship and get on with your life.
1just because you have been in that relationship so long, since you were young doesnt mean that it is meant to be. I had a friend who dated a guy from high school for 10 years. They broke up and were both married to other people with in a year and a half and are still married, many years later.
Maybe you have outgrown each other and there isn't anything wrong with that. What would be wrong is to stay, if you are over the relationship.
2Your relationship sounds co-dependent. You're a mother taking care of a man child. I'm surprised you don't have to change his diaper and spoon feed him. Naturally he's going to stay with you. He's got a good thing going. You support him, in every way, and he gets to do or not do whatever he wants. He definitely has no direction or ambition. You already resent and have no respect for him. Respect yourself. You don't owe him anything. Live the life you want, with someone you do respect and admire. The resentment will become all consuming.
I was with someone like you're bf and it left me emotionally drained. My friends would tell me he was draining me. Even the doctors, we had in common, would tell me to leave him. I always made excuses, I was protecting him, at my expense. I felt guilty for even thinking about leaving him. I would be a bad person for "abandoning" him. I didn't think he could make it without me. Those were all f*(ked up reasons. Especially thinking he couldn't make it without me. I was only fooling myself I stayed way too long and grew to hate him. A 200 pound anchor was lifted, off of my neck, when I left. For the first time in years I couldn't believe how happy I was. He moved on to someone else and now he's her problem. He has not changed.
Life's too short to be in a miserable, co-dependent, one sided relationship. Send him back to his own mother. Why tie yourself down with someone who will continue to suck the life out of you! Make yourself happy and get that anchor off your neck.
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