Ok here is my situation. I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and am madly in love with him. It is a long distance relationship but I see him two sometimes three times a month, and get to spend lots of time with him. In my heart I feel like he is the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with, and I just cannot see my life without him it it.
Things in his personal life have been very hard lately. His father is terminally ill, and he helps care for him on a daily basis which definetely takes its toll on him. On top of this, he himself has become ill, and the doctors are not sure what is wrong with him, the symptoms seen to resemble something like Chronic Fatigue, but they have yet to give him a diagnosis. He has been to the doctor at least 5 times and finally got referred to a specialist who now wants him to spend the day at the hospital to undergo a procedure to check his stomach that would involve a local anesthesia, but was told that he would be able to leave the hospital that day and it was just a procedure to make sure everything was ok. I know he is very stressed out since he has not been feeling well or had much energy for the past few months and is worried about spending the day in the hospital.
I havent been able to see him in a full month and miss him like crazy and want to be there for him. I told him I want to come see him (I know he is not up for traveling to see me) and he told me not to come because he needs space and he is too stressed out to worry about me being there visiting. I never do anything to stress him out or demand anything when I am there, in fact I take care of him and his family and help out and do all the cooking and things like that to make it easier also because I enjoy being able to take care of him.
He says he just can't see me right now, it is too much stress. But how can you not want to see the person you are supposedly in love with who just wants to be there for you, who misses you like crazy and would do anything just to give you a hug?
I was so upset about this, and then I found out something else. He use to have a myspace page and it was innocent but he had friends on there who were girls who would leave comments on his page. They were innocent comments but I was not crazy about this whole myspace page to say the least. Still, he never gave me any reason to distrust him so I let it go because I do not want to tell him what to do or who to talk to. So then he decides to delete the page. He says he knows I dont like it and the whole thing is stupid anyway. This was months ago. Then today after our conversation about needing space I decide to just look at myspace and type his email address in...Wouldnt you know it, he remade the page behind my back and added back all those girls as friends. I confronted him about it and he lied to me for an hour saying the account must have reactivated itself. I knew this was a lie and he finally admitted to me that he lied and when I asked why his reason was that he knew I would be upset about it so he didnt tell me. He says he would never cheat on me and that I am blowing this whole thing out of proportion, but the fact remains that he did something behind my back and then lied about it when I confronted him, even if it was innocent.
After all of this he still is saying he is in love with me, but with everything going on in his life he just needs space but still wants me to be his girlfriend and to just give him time. I WAS coming to terms with his request and trying to support him and see it from his point of view, but now after this lie am I just being stupid to even think about being with him?
Is it fair for me to be to never be able to see him except when he is ready? I can only see him when he decides he isnt too stressed out this week or this month? I love him with all of my being and am just heartbroken over this lie and not being able to go see him. The lie bothers me so much I just boil with anger just thinking about it. I do believe him when he says it was innocent, I saw the comments on his page and they were nothing bad, but then why did he go behind my back and remake this page and then lie when I confronted him?
One last thing, I have problems in my life too, but I know that I love this man and am in a serious relationship and would NEVER lie under any circumstance. Of course I want to see him despite everything going on in my life, so why cant he extend the same to me? I feel like everyone has problems but you shouldnt use that as an excuse to push someone away. If thats the case and he cant deal with a relationship at this moment in time I would understand, but he is saying he DOES want a relationship but just needs time right now. Please help, I am so torn over this and am just sick when I think of my life without him in it and the state of limbo I am in right now.
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Claudie Pierlot
I'm sorry that you guys are going through such a rough spot. I don't know what you should do. You may want to tell him that you can accept whatever his decision is, but that you'd like him to be honest with you about whether he really wants space or whether he wants to end the relationship.
But, I will say this...while it is wrong for him to lie, sometimes when you push people too hard they find it easier to just not deal with you on the topic. You said yourself that the friends never left anything but innocent comments, and you obviously had access to the page so I'm not sure why you were upset about it in the first place. This might be an occasion where you both step back and realize you each could have handled the situation better.
1Are you dating my ex boyfriend? He did the same thing with his myspace and his comments were innocent. It was all innocent until I found out he was actually seeing one of the girls on there. I'm not one to call out bullsh*t when it comes to medical problems but some men are really conniving. Do you really have proof all of this is going on in his life? I mean it's a far stretch but if you don't visit him it's a little suspicious. It seems like you're head over heels for a guy who doesn't want you around. I don't want to break your heart, but I think if he really loved you he would want you around. Usually I'm not one to go pointing fingers, but it's possible he has a separate life there and doesn't want it ruined. Yet, he can go on a mini vacation and meet you and have his extra side dish.
It's hard when we put our all into a relationship and find out that the person wasn't this perfect image we built them up to be. Which in most cases they never turn out that way, but we learn to love the flaws. However, sometimes the flaws are a little too deep for us to stick around.
Hope you figure out what is really going on and that this guy isn't really a jackass playing a game. If he really is sick, best wishes to him and I hope he feels better.
Tell us what happens.
2Something doesn't feel right about all of this and I think you know it.
When love is involved, we want to make all the possible excuses for people in order to protect ourselves.
But I think your instincts are right. Something is up. I would tell him that you are done and that he can call you if and when he's interested in an honest, committed relationship.
Also, he keeps telling you he loves you, but all his ACTIONS show that he's indifferent. So pay attention to his actions rather than his words and you will have your answer.
3Actions speak louder than words. You can make as many excuses for him as you like, but that won't change the fact that he doesn't want to see you. He's moving on in his life and so should you.
4My first reaction reading this is : "Wow. He's already looking for another and yet the @sshole is stringing you along." Okay, kind of harsh, I shouldn't call names, but some guys are just too slick, I dislike how they behave toward women who truly love them.
I agree w/ the other posters that something is fishy. I think he doesn't love you as much as he proclaims, I don't think he's still in love with you at all.
Hello? You guys are living in
separate towns! You guys only see twice or thrice a month!
Action speaks louder than words. Remember this, you guys live in SEPARATE towns, and he feels OVERWHELMED?
I mean, it's one thing if he's not feeling good enough to COME see you (and then you, I'm pretty sure, will be glad to come over to soothe him--and if he loves you/needs you/adores you, he'll be so happy with this), it's another thing to tell a gf whom he only sees a few times a month that he needs space from you.
How much space does he want?
Sorry, if I sound harsh. But the whole thing's ridiculous. He's smart though, using personal tragedy as an excuse to have a 'break' that can easily lead to break - up. And yes, he's reviving his myspace page is a sign and his lying about it is a bigger red flag because he wants to look around for another lady or looking to date another lady. I mean, if he actually admitted he did it, it'll actually not mean anything, right? Since he lied, he's definitely HIDING something. ANd of course, are you kidding me? He's not going to admit that he's looking around to date others. What if he's not doing so well w/ his attempt to date another girl? If he lost you, he'll not have anyone who adores him and who's willing to sleep with him. I sure am hoping that you're taking care of your health, as in: always practice safe sex.
I'm sorry, his action sucks and shows indifference. Yes, his words are the right ones and the sweet ones, b/c you catch more flies with honey, darlin'. Plus, saying 'I love you' and 'I'm in love with you' is SO EASY. I can say it very easily to you, and I'll sound real sincere if you want me to. You should take initiative and let him know that you're not going to be strung along and will definitely give you as much as SPACE as he wants.
Good luck to you. Be strong.
5Nevaeh always has the best advice
I also wanted to say that I have a friend who was actually in the same situation. It was a long distance relationship and he started coming up with all these sincere sounding excuses, he even said his grandma died! She found out it was bullsh*t and was in shock. How could you not be in shock over it? but it's sadly how a lot of men are -- even if they seem sweet.
6I would end the relationship. I can understand that he doesn't want you to come while his dad is sick. But lying about the MySpace deal is a huge red flag. If a guy lies about something small, it means he's probably lying about bigger things too.
7I don't want to be cruel or hurt you, but when a guy loves you, he wants to see you as much as he can, especially if things are going badly for him. It's just that simple. Good luck, you sound like a really nice girl who deserves an honest, equally nice guy.
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