A friend of mine Marci (names changed) is in a situation that I don't know how to deal with. Frankly, I don't even think I can be partial AT ALL. You see, she has been with her boyfriend for almost four years now, and they have been living together for 2 1/2 of those years. They share everything and love each other dearly. We all love Joe too, and they have talked of marriage, kids and the whole package. They are both well educated, have good jobs and just overall seem like the perfect couple.
About two weeks ago now, Joe asks Marci to drop by his office and pick up his pay stub from the company payroll clerk while he's out on business. It's pretty much no big deal at all, since they both know how much each other makes etc. The stub wasn't in an envelope or anything and Marci was looking at it, which didn't seem like a problem. What she saw though just about killed her and she called me crying from the parking lot. It seems that he is having his wages garnished from the state for Child Support!
My friend certainly wouldn't have minded if Joe had a kid when they got together, but he has NEVER mentioned it. She has no idea how old the kid is, how long the child support has been being paid, and to her knowledge he has never seen this kid. So basically she feels like the last four years of her life have been a lie. I mean, the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with has a kid somewhere! She no longer trusts Joe at all, and can barely look at him. She keeps crying about what if she had ever had a kid with him and what would he have done to her then and so on. So far she hasn't said anything to him about what she saw, but can't think that he wouldn't know she'd see it. I asked if maybe he just didn't know how to tell her and this was his way, but four years seems like a long time to withhold this sort of vital information.
Being a single parent myself, and having a really rocky relationship with my ex over our daughter, I don't know how to help my friend. I don't know what to say to comfort her, and I am beyond mad at Joe for doing this to her, especially since he knows about how I feel with my daughter and her father. What should I say to her? Should she confront him? I kind of think she has to. She can't just pretend that this never happened, can she? I don't really know how to help her out, and would really appreciate any advice you all could give me. Thanks.
How do I help my friend deal?
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First thing first, I'd really appreciate your kindness to your friend, she definitely is lucky to have a friend like you. I think it's sweet of you to worry about her so much.
Second of all, I do agree that she should talk to her guy about this. Point blank ask him why didn't he tell her the truth, what was the circumstances between him and his other family. And see if she wants to stay or leave him.
A friend of mine went through the same thing you did, she went through a period of depression and anger, but she has accepted the fact (she found out after she got married to the guy and had a kid with him), and little by little has forgiven the guy, although I still got angry when I remember the circumstances, I can't exactly be rude to him because after all my friend has decided to stay with him despite everything although I have my own opinion. But in the end, it's her choice.
I suppose my suggestion is to offer as much support as you can, and offer your opinion when she asked you what to do, but don't always expect her to follow your advice because she might have different idea on what she wants to do. In the end, it's her life and choice and all you can do is tell her sincerely that she has you in her life for a shoulder to cry on.
Good luck to you.
1Honestly, I think him asking her to pick up the paystub was his (lame) way of getting her to find out. There's a chance that this has been such a burden for him all these years, and the longer he went without saying anything, the worse the secret felt.
There are lots of things for her to consider:
1. If his wages are being garnished, this means he was not paying child support on his own and legal action had to be taken against him.
2. There is a chance he doesn't think the child is his, therefore was unwilling to pay.
3. There could be more than one child.
4. He hasn't been a part of this child's life at all.
5. He could be legally married to someone else. If he's single, why hasn't he married his girlfriend of 4 years?
Your friend needs to immediately (yet calmly) ask him to explain. Something like "Why are your wages being garnished for child support?" should suffice.
Then, she needs to consider his explanation and decide whether that's too big of a betrayal for her to stay with him.
2I would be extremely tortured if I didn't ask what the deal was. Your friend definitely needs to talk to her man and find out what is up. She should also look within herself and figure out if this is forgivable in any way. For me it wouldn't be, but maybe there are some situations where it would be for someone. Louisa makes a good point that there may be other kids or some other secrets involved in this. Does she know if this is for one kid or more than one now? I think they really need to sit down and have a looooong talk about this.
Since it sounds like you are conflicted in this yourself, I'd suggest that you support HER emotionally any way you can and be there for her. Try not to get too involved, as she may vent and be mad now, but might stay with him. If you bad mouth him over this she may get upset with you in the future. Good luck.
3What a way to find out your boyfriend has a secret. A living and breathing secret.
Your friend has every right to confront her boyfriend. If they have been together for that long – all the cards should have been on the table a long time ago. It could be that Joe was afraid Marci would be upset and leave him when she found out he had a child when they first started dating, so he kept it to himself. As time went on, it got harder and harder to reveal something like this. When is there a perfect time to tell the woman you love “Oh by the way, I stopped by the store and picked up some chicken for dinner, I mailed the rent check and I have a kid that I haven’t told you about.”
I think it is great you are being supportive of your friend. I think everyone deserves a friend like you. It is hard when you are friends with both and you find out one of them hurt the other. Where do you stand? I sounds like you are more friends with Marci than with Joe. My suggestion is to keep on supporting her. Try not to get in the middle of this too much, but let your shoulder be there for her to cry on. Hopefully they will be able to work this thing out.
Good Luck!
4WOW! What kind of man would "hide" his child...a loser thats who. Your friend is right to think that he could "hide" a child he had with her too! I say that she should confront him...its his fault for telling her to pick up the check...the truth ALWAYS comes out eventually. Let us know what happens!
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