I am the sort of person who is better with a few close friends. I don't need or really thrive on having a huge number of people around me. I have always had at least one close friend and few good friends throughout the various stages of life but now i find myself friendless in a way i have never been before.
When i first moved to SF I didn't know a single person but I was going to school for a 2nd degree so i was around people and gained some acquaintance-level friends but i never truly clicked with anyone. During that time i could use the excuse that i was too busy with homework, my internship and squeezing in workouts to possibly have a social life. But even I know it was just any excuse. I did start dating by joining match.com and after awhile i met my boyfriend which opened up my social life but i was all through him and his friends. After graduation all of my own semi-friends from school went their separate directions, including me. I moved to the East Bay to live with my bf and also got a job out there so any city-aqaintneces i had have since disintegrated. Now, I find myself in an even worse situation friend-wise. I have none; I spend all my free time with my bf because i have none, but i have none because i spend all my time with him or doing things by myself.
I have work-friends but none who i do anything with outside of work, in part because they still live in the city. I have one close work-friend and we relate on a personal level but we rarely do anything outside of work. She has a lot of friends and she has talked about feeling pulled in every direction so I don't want to be yet another person pulling on her.
I am usually ok with not having close friends nearby as i keep myself pretty busy on my won. While I still have friends in other cities from my past, I rarely see them in person and it's just not the same as having friends locally. I do get lonely at times or feel like i have no one to talk to and the worst part is that my bf seems to think my lack of friends is a problem. He brings it up every time we argue about something. He thinks that because I don't "deal" with anyone I don't know how to relate to people and have good relationships. This always stabs me right in the heart and i get defensive and feel like he is trying to make me feel like somethings is wrong with me. And of course i have to wonder, is there something wrong with me? I have read statistics that say a lot of women don't have a close friend. But I find that a bit hard to believe because I feel like everyone i meet already has an established group and they don't need any more friends. Not that they are being close-minded but it takes a big effort to start new friendships and with people's busy schedules I just don't think it's a priority if you already have the friends you need.
So how can i meet new friends? (And please don't say join volunteer groups or classes... ). I am not super out-going so i guess i just don't know how to reach out to people and start a friendship. I have always been very self-sufficient... probably overly so.
Thanks for your help!
Karen Millen
Taillissime
Aminaka Wilmont
I have the same problem... I have been living in a new city for over 3 years now, and still do not have any close friends. Actually, make that NO friends. I still keep in touch with old friends from high school/college, but I would love to have just a few friends that I could call up and go out with on the weekends!
I too can keep myself occupied on my own, but I still get very lonely. It doesn't help when I talk to friends from back home and they're going to concerts, going on trips together, getting engaged, etc...
I don't know how to make new friends either. I'm starting a new job in a couple weeks, I hope I can meet some new people there, since at my last job I had a few acquintances but no one I would really call a friend. People who've never moved to a new city/state before don't really understand how hard it is. People tell me, "just put yourself out there!". Easier said than done!
And I would tell your butt-head bf to lay off! He should be supporting you, not putting you down. Explain to him how hard this time is for you, and you're trying, and he needs to be patient with you.
1Im like you too. All you need is one to get you started because if your like me.. you like a nice small cosy group.
You need to find one person who is like you, has the same ideas on moral, life and social life and theyll probably introduce you to other people who you can build into your life.
I find that in a new place it helps if you find lets say a late night coffee shop(you dont meet men, friends in bars/clubs.. not real ones).. or somewhere regulars will go for brunch. (Go with your partner or that sort of close workfriend the first time if you dont feel comfortable going alone).
Look around at the people there.. see if any are your age/type. Or go somewhere you have to share a table or booth.. somewhere the tables are close to each other so you do have to politely acknowledge the people next to you. Small steps like this open a world of connections.
Try become a familiar face somewhere.. maybe go online and see if you can volenteer somewhere. If you have any intersts someone else may too. You dont have to stick to that work friend but all you need is for her to introduce you to one person you click with.. and the rest goes from there.
2So how can i meet new friends? (And please don't say join volunteer groups or classes... ). I am not super out-going so i guess i just don't know how to reach out to people and start a friendship. I have always been very self-sufficient... probably overly so.
>>> So you want to know how to meet people without putting yourself out there? People aren't just going to fall into your lap and beg to be your friend. You're going to have to leave your comfort zone to make this happen.
3Try some exercises, set yourself a goal of saying "hi" to at least 5 people a day. Or even just a smile. When you do your groceries, try talking a bit with the cashier, nothing big, just stuff like: "you look happy", smalltalk. Keep this up 'till chatting comes naturally. Like at a bus stop, a bench in a park, whatever.
The main thing is to set yourself up for other people to approach you too. If go about acting feeling sorry for yourself or desperate, people don't respond to that vibe very well.
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