I've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years and everytime that he has a family gathering, he tends to either push me away or break-up with me. He is 38 years old and I am 32.
The first year we met, his father passed away and his sisters wanted to kick him out of the family home. Basically, he fought it but their family relationship was ruined. He always says that he doesn't have a family but yet whenever one of his sisters needs something he jumps up, leaves me hanging and either fights with me and breaks-up with me. He tends to feel a great pressure to keep them happy. His single 40 years old sister lives in the family home with him and her boyfriend; she tends to trigger this conduct. She doesn't depend on her boyfriend only on my boyfriend. She doesn't have any children but is obsessed with her sister's children. She HAS TO BUY them each $300 worth of gifts for every holiday or birthday. She expects my boyfriend to do the same.
I've spoken to my boyfriend about how much he is spending because even he doesn't agree with paying that much.
Here is the issue.... whenever there is a family gathering; she makes him feel bad for not always being with her and her other sister. If he buys anything she needs to determine if it is good enough (brand names) and makes him shop with her. I always go with them and I feel left out because they don't acknowledge anything I say. They act as if they are husband and wife. You can imagine how weird that is for me. She is the decision maker and he has to follow or else there are problems,
It's been almost 8 months that my boyfriend came to live with me; and this weekend she asked him to pick her up and bring her shopping. My boyfriend and I had decided to buy the gifts a couple of days earlier in order to make sure that it is our decision and that we don't over spend. It didn't go like we had planned because when we went shopping together, he didn't like any of my suggestions and was rude about it. There was a special on baby clothes and I thought that maybe we could get more for less. It was the same quality of clothes but on special. He called me cheap and he thought that I wasn't interested in getting his family any quality gifts. I left him alone. I was hurt!
On the day that he had to go shopping with his sister, I told him to go with her alone and that I would wrap our gifts up. I told him that as soon as his sister is done shopping to come and get me. I suggested that because I didn't want to go through any more rejections. He started freaking out, and removed all the tags from the clothes we bought. I asked him why he was doing that and he said because I don't want my sisters to judge me. I told him to let them know that it came from the heart.
He then started to get angry with me and told me that he was fed up with me. That he didn't understand why I cared if he removed the tags, and why I should care if it's his family and his money. Then he was telling me that he was fed-up of being harassed by me and that he wasn't going to take me to the family party. And that he was going to ask his sister to wrap the gifts for him and that he was moving back home.
He left me and I need advice... We are each other’s best friends and we love each other so much, He just doesn't know how to deal with his sisters. They are really good at playing the guilt card. His sister is very tricky, she seems to be very nice and sweet but as long as she gets her way.
Please help me out; I want to understand this and to know if I should try to work things out or not. He is the one who left me and I don't know why I feel like this. I miss him and I want to find a solution. He has all his stuff at my house and I don’t know if I should wait for him to call me or to call him.
Thanks for listening!
My boyfriend's sister keeps taking him from me.
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"We are each other’s best friends and we love each other so much, He just doesn't know how to deal with his sisters."
WRONG. YOU love HIM and HE doesn't really care so much about you. He lets you know this every time he breaks up with you over a family outing. He knows how to deal with his sisters and has done it for almost 40 years... you're the one who doesn't know how to deal. Let me say this, and please repeat it in your head until you understand... You will NEVER change anybody. EVER! Not him, not his sisters and not the rest of his family. They are allowed to behave however they like, it's YOUR choice to be a part of it or not. Considering you've been with this man for 7 years and he's broken up with you over and over and hasn't tried to make you his wife, I say it's time for you to pick up what's left of your ego and scurry off somewhere alone to regroup. You and this guy are not a match. You don't have many key things in common and he's very rude to you. If he's your best friend, you must be dining with porcupines in your spare time, geez! Go on, dust yourself off and seek out a man with fewer family issues. I agree that I wouldn't want to deal with his family either, but that is none of your business, sweetie. And for future reference, family is sacred. If you're not family, you don't talk about the family. Period, end of story.
1Nailed by Notinthemood. OP, the man you described doesn't have healthy relationships with his family members or with you. He sounds incredibly immature...or maybe I think that because he's lived in his parents home for almost all of his 38 years (seriously - THAT'S not enough to give you second thoughts?).
You keep focusing on his sister's behavior: she's tricky, she's manipulative, she plays the guilt card. Where is your bf in all this? He's completely helpless in his sister's evil clutches? Come on - you know that's not the case. He's EXACTLY where he wants to be, living the way he wants to live.
I really hope you stop putting your energy into figuring him out, and re-channel it into figuring out why you've been willing to waste seven years with this guy. Your biological clock is ticking hon...if you want to have kids, I'd suggest you cut your losses immediately, and find a real man to be the father of those kids. And if you don't want to have kids - all the more reason to dump this guy - since he's just a boy in a man's body.
2Yes, I agree with the ladies. You complain a lot about his sister, but the bottom line is that he greatly contributes to the situation. He allows his sister to behave this way with him and with you. The way that you describe your bf does not portray him as a good partner or as your best friend. The bottom line is that you cannot change him and you will never ever change his relationship with his sister. So why have you been with him for 7 years??? I agree with honey, if you want a mature, committed and responsible partner to have a family with, he does not sound like a good candidate. He can't even make a proper commitment to you. You have spent 7 years of your life with him and he still cannot ever prioritize you over his family. Bad sign of the future if you ask me.
3His whole situation sounds weird. Why would a grown man have anything to do with his sister like that? It's bizarre. Where the heck does he live, in the hills somewhere? He's almost 40 for God's sake. He seems to care more for her than you which is creepy to say the least. What is really behind this? I would say money maybe? Is that house a mansion or something and maybe his sister is holding the money card? I would explode in his face about the clothes being good enough. What the hell do they expect, are you their Grandmother? A normal guy protects his own life and girlfriend. He makes his own nest and starts his own family.
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