Physical attraction is important of course. From what i have read hes a great guy and would do anything for you and sometimes you have to accept people for who they are instead of trying to change them. If he likes to eat then he just likes to eat if his health is going down hill due to that then that is a different issue. I do think that being healthy and eating healthy is important but you cant force it on someone. All you can do is just try to encourage him to go to the gyn with you only keep healthy foods in the house. Accept him for who he is and encourage a healthy lifestyle but dont force it. A good guy is definately hard to come by these days .. I wish you the best!

I don't think you guys should stay together. That's just my take on it.

You seem to put much importance on superficiality of looks, which is totally fine (hey, I'm taking care of myself and in shape and I can understand physical attributes are important) but when it comes to Scott, the only thing you're most concerned is the 'not looking amazing' aspect not the 'health' aspect from pigging out and living an unhealthy lifestyle.

Plus, you admitted that you only went out with him in the beginning because he finally looked attractive and in shape at that one time in his life (after you have known each other for years) and under pressure from your gal pals too, to boot.

Your bf seems to have some issue with food (from the way you describe his style of eating and lifestyle), and probably it also stems from other unresolved emotional issues he has yet to deal with (that's why he has that 'bad' relationship with food). I don't know if you will be the gf who will stand by him (should he come to realize and admit that he has a problem) when he's dealing/working with his eating issue/disorder because it seems all you're concerned with is looking great and looking in shape.
Or your bf may simply lose the weight without learning how to maintain the healthy lifestyle. So, he just completely deprived himself and worked out physically just to lose the weight and not to be healthy (basically looking at things short term instead of long term). You're the one around him, you should know by now which one is the most possible reason behind him falling off the wagon.

My husband gained 40 lbs from the first time we met each other (granted it took not a year, but at least 5 or so years), but I still find him attractive and definitely sexually so. And yes, he's on his way of losing the lbs, he's lost almost 20 lbs so far, and of course I'm completely encouraging him to do it without nagging the dude.

You, on the other hand, can't stand Scott in the bedroom, and dude, that's not good for both of you, period (I think sex is also pretty important). That's why I suggest you to end the relationship. Because he may gain some weight again in the future or even more, and what you're going to do then? Dread going to bed with him every time? That's really not good.

Well, since you guys are originally friends, if I were you, I'd first ask why he's abandoning his workout/healthy lifestyle, and expressed your concern about his health. You guys are friends and bf/gf, so I'm assuming you know what's going on in his personal life outside of you (is he having problem with jobs? school? friends? family? etc), maybe try to be a shoulder to cry on if he needs one. You know what, you're someone who's into health, fitness, etc, perhaps introduce him to things you know....maybe a type of 'Weight Watcher' or something...or any local chapter/group that encourages healthy lifestyle and start going with him for support too.
Maybe the initial show that you care about his health and if he's having a tough time outside your relationship will trigger something to push him in the right direction. Good luck.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want to be with someone who shares your values in terms of being healthy.

I don't think that this guy does. He might make some changes for you, but like all changes that you make for someone else, they rarely stick.

Tell him you love him, but that you aren't attracted to him when he's overweight.

The truth hurts, but I don't see any other way around this really.

Your bf sounds like a compulsive eater (pretty much was Neveah said - he's got a bad relationship with food). However, I think in your bf's case, it would be more helpful of you to think of his problem as being similar to an alcoholic's problem with liquor...he'll eat to the point of doing damage to his health, his relationship, his life.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him. Clearly, physical health, appearance, and leading an active lifestyle are deal breakers for you. I don't think you should feel guilty about that. And I do understand that you might feel like a bit of a "bait and switch" has taken place - he got you when he was a hottie, and since then, he's been back-sliding.

I'd suggest that instead of nagging him or having a huge argument, you have a kind of "intervention" type conversation with him, using the same principles involved in dealing with an alcholic or drug addict. Tell him honestly and kindly how his weight gain has impacted your attraction to him; how his food choices are making him unhealthy; how completely upset you are watching him destroy himself with food.

Then offer to help him: offer to be his trainer (or at least meet him at the gym every day); offer to find and Overeaters Anonymous meeting for him (or Weight Watchers) or whatever; offer to help him find a food plan that works for him. I think if you give him the choice, he'd rather face his problem with food and deal with it (with the support of a loving gf), rather than lose you and sink further into his problem with food. All of this may be difficult for him to hear, but I believe he'll ultimately thank you for your efforts.

On a side note, I've used the "UltraMetabolism" food plan by Dr. Mark Hyman with a lot of success. It definitely eliminates the foods that cause the kinds of cravings that trigger overeating - it's actually pretty amazing.

I understand that physical attraction is important, and looking good is important for your sexual life. I agree with solost77,try to encourage him by telling him that you are concerned about his health and that you love him and want the best for him.

My #1 relationship rule is: Don't try to change someone.

You have to accept your partner as a whole. There may be some traits that are not as desirable as others but the good has to out weigh the bad. He tried to change himself for you which was a poor choice on his part. He should have done it for himself. Since you are not sexually attracted to him I think you should end this relationship. It's not fair for you to only desire him when he's in shape. He deserves to find a woman who will accept him for who he is no matter what. He sounds like a good guy.

I agree with Hiding55. I understand that you are only physically attracted to him when he is in shape, personally I am not generally attracted to overweight guys either. But I agree that it is not fair to him for you to only be attracted to him when he is in shape. People that are together for a long time get old, the gain weight, they get wrinkles, stretch marks, gray hair, cellulite, etc... It is not a good sign of your general feelings for him if you are only attracted to him when he looks a certain way. I think that if your attraction to people is based on this, you should be with someone who is as committed to exercise and weight management as you are. Otherwise this will be a lifelong battle with him, where your attraction to him fades based on his current weight. Honestly, there are many women out there that wouldn't care, they would just to be happy to have a guy that adores them and treats them well. Don't you think that he deserves to be with a girl like that, if he really is such a great guy? I like honey's suggestions, but I think it would probably be more appropriate if you were just really good friends with him instead of a gf. You can certainly tell him how you feel, but I think that he will probably only change permanently when he is making the change for himself and no one else. Good luck.

You need to be straightforward and tell him that his weight is turning you off. Don't lie and use the "I'm worried about your health" b.s.

The problem is, this guy has always been overweight and has no desire to change. He's only going to get bigger.

luisa!!! where have you been?

i agree with luisa!
maybe its time to go back to friends (well, we all know how well THAT usually works out)

Wow, I haven't seen luisa in the longest time. Where have you been? I missed reading your comments.

Ha ha, you guys are funny. I hate the way the new site works and I can never find anything! I posted a question yesterday and never could find it on my home computer.

I just bookmarked group-therapy.tressugar.com because I had the same problem. I skip the rest of the site completely!