This person is not your friend, hon - he's a business associate. Based on that, I'd strongly recommend you stay out of it. I think you'd really regret any escalation of this kind of drama in the workplace - and telling his gf about his philandering would certainly take this situation from a simmer to a boil. You simply can't predict the consequences of that - for ANY of you. (I'd also recommend you stop talking to this man about his personal life - it's not helping him, Heidi, or you.)

If Heidi wants to let the gf know what he's been up to, that's up to her. I wouldn't waste a lot of time feeling sorry for Heidi, however. She's a grown woman, and she knew that this guy had a long-time gf when she got involved with him. If she really wants to be rid of him, she can be: change her phone number; get a restraining order; threaten to tell the gf everything. Trust me, he'll back off.

As to the long-time gf...frankly, this woman has been dating this idiot for seven years. Somehow, I think she knows what she's getting. I'm sure there are all kinds of red flags in the relationship that she's choosing to ignore....and I imagine there are people in her life who have pointed out this man's shortcomings to her. Perhaps she'd rather have a wedding than face reality - but then, that's her choice - let her live with it.

Hi 'Honey Knows'....
Its amazing the amount of people that have said this to me.
I know it would cause all sorts of trouble (mostly for me!).

What galls me is when he gets back he will be going on about his 'proposal' and all the office will be going "oh how wonderful, etc etc"
(well the ones he has not tried to hit on!) they are already organising a collection for him.

I just can't believe how 'calculating' he has been, telling my friend that he WILL carry on cheating on his g.friend.

I think the only way I would have the guts to tell his g.friend is if I left the company and at the moment that would NOT be a good move (for me).

I will just have to pray that its a long engagement and 'KARMA' gets him in the end.

One question to ANYONE out there WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THIS?
In every other area he is a really nice bloke.
Runs a place that finds jobs for people and he REALLY cares about the clients.
Its a charity-run company.
He has been offered jobs many times for recruitment companys but said "It does not sit right with me morally" !!!!! HUH !

Anyway, thanks for your comment.

Honey is right.

I've had male friends (at work and some I knew socially in the past) who cheated on their then-gfs (dunno if they're broken up or not right now), and it's better to not meddle in someone else's life.
If you don't like his conduct, just stay away from him altogether, keep everything professional. No need to indulge in office gossip/politics/drama or be chummy with him.

If he's hitting on other gals at the office, and they don't feel comfortable with it, of course, these gals can definitely report him to HR, in fact, they can file a sexual harassment suit against him.

As for his gf/fiancee, that's too bad for her, but if they've been together for a long time, and she's an adult, pretty sure that she has seen the 'red flags' and most likely is ignoring it, but it's her decision. You never know, she may know about his infidelity but she just doesn't have the guts to leave him, etc. It boils down to, it's none of your business.

Good luck to you.

I actually disagree with the other posters. I would absolutely tell this girl because honestly, how would you feel if people knew your boyfriend was cheating and didn't tell you? Personally, I would want to know. His poor girlfriend could go years without finding out about this.

Since you work with the guy, I think an anonymous note/phone call/something would be best. My dad actually cheated on my mom for almost a whole year and though she was a little suspicious, he kept making her think that he was just paranoid. Eventually someone called her (anonymously) explaining the situation. It was absolutely for the best. My mother was hurt obviously, but she was very grateful that someone has called to tell her.

Gal Bear, I wish I knew why people behaved so abominally. It's so sad to read these kinds of posts.

I agree w/ Honey that you shouldn't get involved in this business as a co-worker. The only thing I might suggest is that you sit this guy down and try to talk some sense into him. I mean say to him that what he's doing is truly heart-breaking, and try to get him to seek counseling. I know that sounds lame, but it seems like he has a moral compass in him somewhere. Maybe a shrink will be able to help him sort some of this out.

Good luck.

In response to your question about why this guy behaves this way, I'll repeat something that's been said here before: very rarely will you find people who are truly all good (Mother Theresa) or all evil (Hitler).

Even jags who screw around on their fiances have SOME good qualities (like working for a charity). Unfortunately, all of this guy's good qualities won't make him a good husband - because he refuses to be honest and faithful (two qualities found in every good husband). It doesn't mean he should go to jail or anything, but it does mean that he shouldn't make a commitment (marriage) that he clearly doesn't intend to keep.

Well, you could just make an anonymous phone call asking where he is when he's missing one night. Then hang up the phone. Maybe she would look into it and then if nothing happens then nothing happens.
It will ultimately be up to them if the relationship works out, not much
outside of that will change anything.

It sounds like he's a sex addict, which means it's not about sex, it's about control. If his girlfriend of 7 years hasn't figured out what's going on yet, a woman she doesn't even know who is old enough to be her mother certainly isn't going to change her mind about her now fiance. In fact, it would probably encourage her to keep "fighting the good fight". Karma is a powerful thing and you know you don't have 100% of the story, so if I were you I'd stay out of this one. You don't want any of their drama (or karma) coming back to you!

I completely stay out of personal issues with coworkers. It can make for a dangerous situation. I was involved once, when I was very young, in office gossip, and it does come back to bite you in the a$$.

My advice is to stay out of other people's business, especially when it comes to the workplace. Dangerous territory.

I would tell her. I mean think of this poor girl when she actually gets married to this pile of work. He will get crazy on her if they were to ever divorce. She'd be lucky to get out now when he cant claim anything on her. Talk about messy divorce. If it were me Id be thinking about how I could have changed her life for the better. I really hope you tell her please. I feel for this girl. This guy sounds like a total psycho! Just think that the problems for you wont last forever but her marriage/divorce/connection to this creep could last her whole life. Help her out. We're women and we rely on eachother. Do the right thing for all of us as a whole! please! Let me know if you do??

CassieNovas, I think your advice to the OP is downright reckless. "...the problems for you wont last forever..." - how can you say that? The OP is an older woman, and this is her JOB we're talking about. If she were your mom, would you want someone to advise her to risk her livelihood, potentially her financial and even physical security to get involved in something that is none of her business?

Yes, as women we rely on each other, but doing the "right thing" for "all of us as a whole" doesn't include assuming this kind of risk. The fiance involved has been dating this man for SEVEN years....do you honestly think the OP is the only person who knows this man is a dog? Why do you assume the fiance is some poor, helpless woman? This guy isn't exactly discrete, so I'm betting the fiance has chosen to ignore all the obvioius warning signs. And if the OP forces her to face the truth, who do you think is going to take this man's wrath? It's not going to be you (or me) - it's going to be the OP. Frankly, no one should expect the OP to make such a potentially huge sacrifice.

I think the fiance knows exactly what he's all about and she's choosing to ignore it......which is pathetic but as I said it's her choice.

And to the OP...... I think you should mind your own business before his scandalous behavior becomes old news and you wind up being the next topic of conversation for the office gossips.

It depends on how close you are to this friend. If you can absolutely trust each other, then yes, do tell her. She has the right to know. But, if you are not that close, then it may be wise not to be the bearer of bad news because you may end up burning yourself. It's happened to my friend - http://bit.ly/21yqnJ.

Pick your battles.

Thanks for your comments. Its a difficult one isn't it?

I have tackled him about his 'behaviour' a couple of times.
The first time was when he hit on ME.
Although I am 15 years older than him, he thought i was about the same age (I am 48 but most people put me at about 37-38)

Anyway I asked him why he acted like this.
He said "I can't help myself, my girlfriend doesn't really like sex she just puts up with it ocassionally".

When I asked him WHY he stays in that kind of relationship he said
"I have kept my g.friend hanging on for 7 years, I have put her through hell in that time, I feel to guilty to walk away from her now. But the trouble is I resent her because of it so I will ALWAYS cheat on her!"

Unbelievable!Would love to get him to a shrink, they would have a field day with him.

One interesting thing he said was that this g.friend is 'obsessed' that he is cheating on her (and of course most of the time he IS !).

He said he has another job as a croupier in the evenings and when he gets in (its gone midnight usually) she is waiting up and checks that he actually has the 'cheque' to prove that that is where he has actually been.

Also when Heidi was seeing him if he was on the phone to Heidi at about 5pm and his g.friend phoned from the station asking him to pick her up (after work) he would really freak out and hang up on Heidi real quick, panicking if you know what I mean in case he was late picking the g.friend up.

He once said to me "My g.friend watches me like a hawk".
So obviously the g.friend DOES know what he is like to some degree.
Very sad.

The worst thing of all (and you REALLY won't believe this steel yourself for what I am about to say)
The first time he took Heidi back to his flat (which is 5 mins from the office) there were about 10 pictures of the g.friend in the living room.
and of them together on holiday etc.
Heidi was shocked. He told her that his g.friend had put them up and warned him NEVER to take them down.

Heidi said "I'm not doing this, I want to go"
He made polite conversation with her for a while and then after about 20 mins jumped on her. (If you know what I mean).

So he 'made love' to another woman with the photos of the g.friend looking down on them both.

Most adulterers would at least put the photos out of the way wouldn't they? Goes to show he has NO respect for his g,friend in any shape or form. Takes someone very 'cold' and calculating to do that doesn;t it?

This was when he got angry because the sex did not last as long as he seemed to want.

The next day he rang Heidi (he was out on business) and said
"We shouldn't have done that!"
Heidi was amazed she said "But YOU jumped on me, was your idea"
He said "Yes, but I thought we were just coming back for coffee!""

Unbelievable behaviour!
Unlike anything I have ever come across before.
He obviously does have some sense of guilt but then after 'blanking' Heidi for a few days he started the whole thing up again, then this pattern was repeated over the next few months.

He has destroyed my friend (who I know should have known better, but she is a very young girl and came from an abusive family so I think this pattern of behaviour is something she just expects to happen to her.

I think as the wedding gets nearer I SHALL be tempted to say something but may well talk to him and warn him that if I see any more of this sort of behaviour from him I WILL tell his g.friend.

But analysing his behaviour is VERY interesting isn't it?

Can't believe there are people so mixed up around.
Once again thanks for your comments.

Hi

There has been on update on this which may inerest some of you.
KARMA obviously does exist.

This guy has been on vacation with his Fiance (he proposed to her on the vacation).

Anyway while he was away the Job he has been doing has been given to someone else (he was covering as manager when the previous manager left).

They did not even bother to interview him! Just got someone in from outside!!!

He is going to go MAD when he gets back.
He will find out on Monday.

So as I say there is KARMA after all.

That's funny. Maybe he won't get so lucky anymore without money or a job. Let him dig his own grave.

Galbear...I am starting to think that YOU are Heidi!!!!
You seem bizarrely obsessed with this siutation.
Leave them all alone..they are adults right? and focus on your OWN life!

He's a sex addict...and even if you told her....he would probably talk her out of believing it! Don't bother. Heidi needs some therapy.

Wow, what a tough one. From personal experience, my ex- cheated on me, and while I suspected it at times, I never had evidence and he denied it. After we broke up, a few mutual friends came forward to say, "He cheated on you. A lot. With a bunch of chicks. With a prostitute once. With a 16-year old. With no condom ever."
I was devastated! And immeasurably grateful to not have caught an STD... but I felt so betrayed that these 'friends' would keep such a serious secret from me.
I think you should tell her. Either she believes you and finally leaves him and has a shot at a happy life, or she sweeps it under the rug and that's her choice.
On Karma... is it worse Karma to interfere in someone's relationship, or to knowingly let a sweet girl marry a jerk and to let her potentially be doomed to a life of misery? Karma is such a touchy and complicated subject. I think it's worse to let this girl marry him without trying to tell her. And if she tells you to mind your own business, what have you lost? I'd rather be embarrassed than have to carry a secret like that around on my shoulders.