You need to figure out why you were willing to sacrifice the ex to begin with. Maybe you should realize if you went back to your ex it could be a disaster. One is that the current boyfriend will leave you, and then the second thing is the ex would never forgive you completely for leaving him for the current guy. If u went back to an ex, and said sorry, then made yourself another ex in the process to get what u wanted and played around with everyone's hearts I would have a ring on the third finger real fast or you'll wind up with no one.

i say contact the ex; you need some sort of closure; i think that once you get that you will begin to see the reasons why hes now your ex and the qualities that your current boyfriends has that draws you to him; in the meantime; i dont think that you are in love with 2; i think that you are just trying to sort out old feelings in order to move on and embrace the new ones; and if the current boyfriend isnt the one either; then move on and close both of those chapters. i know is easier said than done; moving on process really does sucks but it can be done. Good Luck.

A wise woman here once stated that the use of the word "soulmate" was always a red flag to her - and I agree. (Sorry, wise Sugar girl - I don't remember your name.)

It seems like people use "soulmate" as some kind of all encompassing "explanation" for inexplicable, irrational attraction to others - and as an excuse for irresponsible behavior...which seems like that's what you're doing here, OP.

Look, you had your ex, and you dumped him. Do you imagine that didn't hurt him? Now you'd like to go back and pick the scab off his heart - without any idea as to what you really want. Maybe you want him back, maybe you don't. What will you tell him - that you're "in love" with him and your current bf? Just how do you think he'll react? Do you expect him to thank you for dragging him back into your drama? Or beg you to come back to him? Just what will you do if he wants you back?

If you really cared about either man, you wouldn't be contemplating setting up a "bidding war" for your affections, or at the very least, creating sadness, confusion, pain (more so for your ex) for both men. Does that seem like a considerate, kind, or decent way to behave?

I suggest you do some work to figure out why you'd even consider behaving this way - I'm sure the answer you'll find has nothing to do with either man. Good luck.

This is the OP here, had to make this fake account to keep myself anonymous. Thanks so much for your objective responses; this is why I can't talk to anyone about it in real life. Nobody would respond to me like this and this is what I really need to hear.

After some thought, I realized that the reason I ended it with "the ex" was that I didn't think it was fair that he wasn't the only one I had feelings for, and now I am doing the same thing to the current. This is really unfair, and I know I am being selfish but I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

I sent the ex a text that just said 'Hey how are you.' He can choose to reply, or not, either way at least I know I tried. To be honest, if we did talk to get 'closure' I think it would be best. I think we are both mature enough to at least be friends which would fill the void I feel from not having him in my life, I think. That way I could also be sure that I don't have any real feelings for him either.

I don't really know what else to do at this point, as I am still very confused. I will need to think about why I am behaving this way and what to do about it.

Any more suggestions? Anything is helpful!

Thanks!

Well, I could suggest that you start being honest with yourself, but I don't think you'd listen to that either. You claimed your ex is your "soulmate"..."The One" - he consumes your every waking thought and dreams - and you say you want to be FRIENDS with him? Good luck with that.

Gotta agree with Honey here. You can't just be platonic friend with someone you claim to 'consume your waking thoughts and dreams' or 'the one.' Be realistic. That's a path to drama and more drama.
Will you be comfortable telling your current bf about your ex, how he's your 'soulmate' and 'the one' and tell your bf that you'd like your ex to be around as your bff because of how you feel about him? If you have to censor/hide in front of your bf what you feel for a 'friend,' then you're technically 'cheating.'

Be honest with yourself whoever one you want to be with, that's the one you should be with. If you can't choose, maybe you shouldn't be with either man, because both deserve complete love/devotion from the woman they're with. I'm pretty sure they'd want that.

How would you feel if your current bf has the same feeling for another woman? And don't lie and say you won't mind, because you know better (esp. you claimed that you didn't think it was fair for your previous love b/c of your feeling for the current one).

I honestly do think I wouldn't let my feelings get in the way of a friendship. I guess in my mind I feel that if he was my friend then I wouldn't have those feelings, or that I could make them go away. Easier said than done, I guess.

And Nevaeh, I will be honest and say I would be P****D off if I saw my current making the post that I made. I know how much these thoughts can hurt a person and thats why I want this to be completely anonymus. I don't know who else to turn to for this.

I would also like to add that I didn't wait very long (at all. it was within the same month) before getting together with my current so maybe I just wasn't single long enough to let the feelings for the ex go away? We only broke up about 6 months ago so maybe time will heal etc. etc?

I have a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make.

Oh, and honey, what do you mean "start being honest with myself" and "wouldn't listen to that either?"

What am I not being honest about? Not asking to be rude, I really want to start being honest with myself so all comments are appreciated.

And I'm not too sure what else I "wouldn't listen to" that warrants the "either" comment. Care to elaborate?

There really needs to be an edit feature so I stop this posting but also, forgot to mention that ex has a new girlfriend now also. If that is relevant information I'm not sure but just thought I should add it. Its part/most of the reason why I am hesitant to talk to him for "closure" because I assume the new girlfriend wouldn't like me talking to him.

OP, I don't think you heard what I said in my first response, cause your second post was a MASSIVE rationalization for why it was okay to contact your ex.

As to the honesty issue: You used all this superlative romantic language to describe your ex, then turned around and said you want to be friends with him. Both of those ideas can't realistically co-exist, and you know that, hon.

Now you've revealed that your ex has moved on (has a new gf) - and that makes contacting him even worse. Of course his gf wouldn't want you to contact him - you still have a thing for him. You've got to stop thinking about yourself here, and what you may or may not want with your ex. You let him go, you broke his heart....now he's getting over you, and you should let him.

If you want to try to be friends with him, wait until thoughts of him do not consume your waking and dreaming thoughts; until you can double date with him and his new gf; until you stop wondering if he was "the one" (that got away). But be prepared for that process to take a few years. Does that sound reasonable?

I see what you are saying. But I would just like to clarify that I do not feel like I broke his heart. We talked about breaking up, talked about remaining friends, and did so until he started acting inappropriately toward me and it made my current boy uncomfortable. The ex told me that once he had moved on, we could be friends. I am assuming that since he has a girlfriend, he has moved on and that it would be okay to be friends.

I see why it would be a bad idea to contact him if I still have feelings for him, but is it also understandable that I feel like contacting him would be sort of like 'closure' in making sure I made the right decision and making my feelings for him go away? Or does this just seem like a rationalization?

Clearly I am biased and just want to talk to him so I can't really comment from an objective point of view. I sort of just want to get closure so I can stop thinking of him and stop driving myself crazy with this situation.

Gosh, you're probably so frusterated with me:P

If you can't think objectively, maybe it's better to leave things be and not pursue things in that direction.

I'm the type of person who believe in karma and not doing things you don't want anyone to do to you. Maybe you're not, and that's your choice.
The whole thing is, if your current bf has another woman who feel so strongly for him just like what you're feeling for your ex, and she's his ex, and he still has strong passionate ('oh she's my one that got away) feeling--I'm pretty sure you won't like her trying to contact your bf and trying to be his bff. Or..do you want that happening to you? If you don't want that to happen to you, just be careful of your action, it may not happen to you right now, but since you have no regard/respect for the gf your ex has right now... in my belief, karma will respond the favor, in near future you can be dealing with lots of insecurity and pain caused by another woman in your relationship.
Good luck.

To be honest Neveah, I hadn't even though of that. I don't seriously follow a religion that teaches about Karma so I don't know all about it but I do believe in the overall concept. I'm thinking I will just let this be for now because it is obvious that I don't know what I want and that I am not ready to talk to him.

Thanks everybody, I am glad that I got some really good/helpful responses!

I'm Catholic. I agree it's wiser to leave things be and hopefully you'll decide to focus on whatever relationship you want.

I learned 'karma' from life experience and from other older wiser people have taught me through life. It's a concept of cause and effect. And how things balance everything out, so if you do bad thing, you'll experience the result later on in life, etc.

You know Nevaeh, even though you and I tend to think of it as karma, you also stated the concept in a way that's very close to the "Golden Rule" - do unto others as you would have them do to you. There are so many ways to say it, but the concept is exactly as you said....the universe gives back what each person puts out. Nicely done.

And OP, looks like you've decided to cool it, which makes me relieved. I really, really don't think this is about your ex, or even your current bf - I think it's about you - you've just gotta figure it out. Give it time....it will come. Good luck.

Does the realization that he might be "THE ONE" and your thoughts being consumed by him have any correlation to finding out about his new girlfriend? Perhaps you did not expect him to move on..and thought you could possibly get back together with him(once you sorted out your feelings)..and this "new developement" has turned your world upside down?