so... i thought that i was pretty much relationship-drama free, but thats when i forgot that my husband is emotionally retarded (i dont use that word often, but i mean it in the truest form, also i heard madonna say it about guy ritchie, and its fitting..). sooooo... here goes my long story.
our 1 year wedding anniversary is coming up in the next few weeks. we usually go on a vacation this time of year, and this year we're going to asia. our anniversary falls mid-way through the trip.
many of my friends, and husbands cousins wives, all got an anniversary ring on their 1st year anniversary. essentially its exactly the same as the wedding band and just fits on the other side of the engagement ring. we've been talking about this since we originally bought our wedding bands, so he KNOWS about it, and always said that he would get it for me.
as our trip, and anniversary was approaching, he'd make weird comments... my friend needed to get a chain for her mom, so i took her to see the family friend who is our jeweller, did all my rings... before we went, my husband was like "why don't you get him to look at your rings???" and said it all in this sketchy way that he does... which is SOOOOO uncomfortable cause he's basically hinting that i'm supposed to go in there and tell this guy to make my anniversary ring, which i'm obv not going to do... ask for my own present? so when my friend and i went in, i gave him my rings to clean, and he looked at them for a super long time. my husband KNEW we were going in, so i assumed he'd be decent about it and call the guy beforehand and tell him to look at the rings and the plans for the anniversary one.
so that was more than a month ago. since then, i've been putting a TON of thought into what to get my husband for our anniversary. i wanted it to be something special... something awesome. i finally decided on a dinner cruise in Bangkok.. its a 10 course traditional thai dinner, thai entertainment and a cruise along the river at sunset... so amazing. also, i had my husbands friend order 2 hockey cards that are $100 each that my husbands been oggling, and i was going to wrap those up for his bday (which falls a few days after our anniversary and is also while we're away). yesterday i went and searched for cards for both occasions... needless to say, i've been putting a lot of thought into all this.
so my husband and i are at chapters last night, just looking for books for the trip. all of a sudden he says to me "hey, we're just gonna celebrate our anniversary when we get back right? like dinner or something??"
i was stunned.
i replied "um.... we're going on this trip to celebrate, i would think that we would be doing that on the actual day"
he goes.. "did you get me a present???"
like he's shocked that i would....
i reply "of course i did, its our first anniversary...."
i wanted to burst out crying
he's looking at me, all dumbfounded, and plain old dumb... and shocked, and scared cause he's obv f'd up......
so we don't really say anything, i pay for my books, we leave.
he starts talking about unrelated things.. i dont really feel like talking, i dont. half an hour after we're at home.. he's like "whats wrong?"..
seriously????.. whats wrong???? what's wrong is that not only did he OBVIOUSLY not make any plans to get me that ring, he didn't make any plans period. so what? i was going to surprise him with this dinner cruise on our anniversary and he was just going to be there empty handed???? ON OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
so i'm not really talking at this point... he's getting mad... i say that i can't believe he doesn't have anything planned.... that i was IN to see the jeweller and i can't believe he didn't tlak to him about the rings... he's getting more and more mad.. he's yelling.. now he's calling me SELFISH.
what????????????????
selfish.... for wanting to feel special on my first wedding anniversary???? seriously.. i wanted to just pick up and leave.
so i asked him, repeatedly, to leave me alone, not talk to me.. what am i supposed to say at this point???
also i recall, that basically the same thing happened on our 3 yr anniversary (of our first date, which we celebrated before getting married)... i had put all this thought in, bought him a pricey present, had a card ready.. the day came, he didn't mention anything.. i gave him his present, he had nothing for me.. no card, no love poem written on a piece of paper, nothing........
i'm shocked, and i feel like garbage, and i can't believe that he's put zero thought into our first anniversary.... i just want to get on that plane by myself on sunday and not come back...
thoughts?
Start London
So, before you married this guy, you knew that he was not the kind of guy who expressed his love for you the way you express your love for him. And you married him. And now you expect that he has magically transformed into a different man - a new man - who does express his love for you the way you express your love for him.
Are you starting to see what's wrong with this picture? He is who he is - he hasn't changed - and it doesn't appear that he intended to change, promised to change, or knew that you needed him to change. This is the man you married, hon, and marriage implies acceptance of the other person. And you're so upset that he hasn't miraculously changed, that you're actually considering ending your marriage after a year? Seriously - an anniversary ring falls outside your definition of "for better or for worse?"
I don't know if you're selfish, but I think you may have an issue with maturity. If you truly find the manner in which your husband expresses his love for you unacceptable, then you shouldn't have married him. Since you did marry him, I suggest spending some time around this first anniversary to take stock of your relationship as a whole, and decide if you're putting too much emphasis on things like presents, and not enough emphasis on the other 99.9% of what makes a marriage loving and successful.
11. There's some serious communication errors in your relationship. Since it doesn't seem like you guys TALK about things that you need to (when you're celebrating your anniversary, etc).
2. From what you said, it looks like he WAS considering getting you the ring at at least one point.
3. If he obviously doesn't care about getting presents, why are you spending so much on him? And for that matter, since it doesn't look like you really talk to each other about things you hold important, or show each other you care in ways that the both of you understand, why did you get married?
4. One "?" is a sufficient end to a sentence.
5. Your usage of the word "retarded" was improper. If anyone seems "emotionally retarded" it's you, since you're acting like an upset 15-year-old, not an adult woman (and you write like one too).
6. I'm going to call BS on this post, merely from the horrible inconsistencies and really blinding grammatical errors.
2I agree with Honey knows. He is who he is.
My hub married me knowing I'm not a romantic (anymore), and I don't put that much time and prep for an anniversary (I forget about it). I think he does more for me when it comes to anniversary or celebrations, but he knows I am who I am and he doesn't get mad about it.
And if you actually can talk to your husband in an equal footing, you can say when he's all 'What did I do wrong?'- just say in calm manner:
"Honey, I feel that I put all these efforts to make our anniversary special with thoughtful gifts and plan, and I feel hurt that you don't. I feel as if you don't care/love about me as much as I care about/love you.'
There. See what he does/says about that.
If you want, next time, talk to your hubby first long before the anniversary thing came up, things like, how about we both get each other something 'special' for our anniversary? Sure it's not a 'surprise,' but at least you both don't get mad at each other because you got a gift, he doesn't get you pouting.
But just remember that you can't change people. And in a marriage, you gotta accept the other's shortcomings like he has to accept yours.
3Everyone is right...you knew what you were getting when you married him. You will either have to spell out what you want for your anniversary, or sit there and sulk like a sullen teenager.
BTW, giving a man the silent treatment never works. Seriously. Please graduate from junior high.
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