Hello,
Im here looking for some much needed advice. I have been trying to get into counseling for two months now and still have not had an appointment as of yet. Here is a bit about my situation, Ill apologize now if i write a novel.
My husband and I have been together almost 4 years, Married almost 2 years. Everything in the beginning was wonderful! We decided to get married oct 2007, Everything was still wonderful, I was head over heels in love with this man, He is a kind, Sweet, Caring man who loves me 100%. Well In June of 2007 He quit his job, I supported him because the place he was working was not a really good place, the boss was a jerk etc. I thought he was going to find another job to help support our family. He still hasnt found a job nor is he trying to, He pretty much refuses to find a job. I have been supporting our family and trying to make ends meet with my measly income. I got myself a computer and started going to college online.. I would chat with my friends from time to time, He would sit around and do nothing or sleep, He would then complain that im online too much, Well if he wanted to do stuff together i wouldnt be. So after arguing about that, I started to get off the computer more often and try to do things together, That didnt last long, He started nagging at me for talking to one of my male friends (whom is married himself) strictly friends! He would insinuate we were talking about things we were never talking about, he would question everything i was doing, Im tried of being accused of doing things im not doing, I even offered to prove it to him, He refused to see. Then we would resolve our fights, things would be ok for a few days then if i even mentioned my male friends name, He would get upset or think i was talking to him when i wasnt, etc. He is very paranoid, Insecure, etc.... I told him to make some female friends, Talk to them if he wanted.. He has done so, but doesnt talk to them that often, I dont ask him what hes doing who hes talking to, I dont but into his business unless he wants to invite me in. I dont know what to do, I cant live like this, Im tired of feeling like im doing something wrong when im not, I love this man so much, But hes pushing me away like crazy! He is in counseling.. But its not working as of yet... 75% of me wants to say thats it, I want a divorce i dont want to do this anymore, 25% of me loves the good times we have and i love him so much!!! I Just wanted to end this and move on with my life, make a peaceful enviorment for my children and I. What should I do? If I do decide to get divorced how should I go about telling him? Oh and by the way, this is my first and only marriage this is his second, His first wife divorced him too, For similar reasons... Please help me get my head straight??? Thank you so much
Marriage coming to an end? Please help!
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I am not telling you to stick around you man; all I think is that you may want to make sure you try your best, gave the relationship all you got. One of the best quotes I have ever read is something along the lines of "marriage is what keeps two people together while they fall out of love, until they fall back into love". There will definitely be moments when you think that your spouse changed, etc. But, it's usually not because they changed overnight, rather there is a catalyst - something happened that changed them. In my opinion, it's his lack of self esteem given his career. This recession already broke up many people (link), hopefully you can find a way to work it out.
http://bit.ly/23q2Un
1Oh honey....my heart goes out to you. I hate to say it, but I think the 75% of you that wants to get out is probably right. My biggest concern is for your kids. Don't kid yourself that they don't know about the problems between you and your husband - they know. They feel the tension and the stress - that's not healthy for them. Additionally, they see him laying around every day while you support the family, and verbally abusing you when it suits him. Fast forward twenty years - if one of your kids was in the same type of marriage, what advice would you give them? You'd tell them to run (and you'd be right).
So don't set a poor example for your kids, and don't accept this guy's behavior. Look, I think there is something inherently wrong with a man who is willing to let a woman support him when there are NO extenuating circumstances (for example, a disability, an illness, etc.). I've known too many smart, ambitious women who support guys like this, and it's a thankless job. The women I've known have never been appreciated for their support....one I knew even went over an hour out of her way every day to drop off her son at daycare, because his unemployed father refused to watch the boy (apparently, it's hard to play Nintendo AND care for an infant).
It's just my opinion, but an adult, well adjusted male will insist on working, even if it means being under-employed, commuting great distances, working night shifts, doing physical labor, etc. The absence of that need to work, to provide, to contribute, to support your family financially - that's a huge red flag. Stay strong, and do what you know is right.
(And as for how to approach the subject of divorce, please talk to an attorney about the laws in your state....if it's possible, the best solution is to get him out of the house ASAP.) Good luck.
2Thank you so much for your advice, I finally got into counseling for thursday! I hope i can get my head straight, this is too much to deal with for one person yikes!
3Marriage is hard enough as it is. But I think if he had a job, he wouldn't be so focused on what you are doing all the time. You mentioned children? How old are they and is he a decent dad to them? Just curious
4You telling him to go out and meet female friends spoke volumes to me. You are already checking out of this relationship.
Someone once said, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This guy was this way in his first marriage, obviously a pattern for him, and he is unlikely to change.
I hope you can work it out, but the counseling should be more for you and what YOU want than figuring out what is best for him.
Good luck.
5I am going to counseling as well, Thats what I wanted, I tried marriage counseling he refused, Im not a jealous person, I trust him 100% I have given him no reason not to trust me, We are together 24/7 So i dont quite get why he is so insecure with me.
The child we have together is 20 months old, He is a GREAT father. I just wish he would get a Job and help support our family, and back off me a bit and give me some breathing room!
Thanks for all the comments, Im taking everything said into consideration. I Hope our marriage will survive, But at this rate, 7 months of trying to get things back to where they were, or at least close.. isnt working. Im not sure where its going to head.
6Tell your husband to stop being jealous and obsessive. While you're at it, tell him to get a job. Tell him these things are dealbreakers for you. Get into therapy if that's what he needs to achieve these two goals. If he doesn't want to do it? It's over.
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