I am 25 years old. I wish I had the answers for everything but I don't.
When my family moved to me and my siblings into a new house/new school district just when I would be starting first grade I was sure I was going to be unhappy. But the first day of first grade I made a lot of friends. And I saw a boy who literally took my breath away. Strange to say that considering I was only 7 or 8. But I always felt like I would marry him.
Growing up and even now I am far from skinny. My weight has always been an issue. But I've always been told I have a pretty face and if I would just lose weight I'd be pretty. The boy of my dreams was always on a football team of some sort and he always had a girlfriend  who was slim and pretty...and I knew in my wildest dreams I could never compare to any of them. All my friends knew how much I liked him. He even knew. It had to be hard for him considering the was the biggest girl in my class. But he was always nice about it. My crush on him became lengendary actually. If his name was mentioned...mine was never far behind. Vice versa. You could find me sitting on the sidelines at football games watching him play as his cheerleader girlfriend cheered him on. At school dances in the bleechers crying as he and his lates girlfriend slow dance to whatever the popular slow dance was at the time... When I graduated I expected to never see him again. He was always for me the one that got away. The one I compared every guy I liked to afterward... When we finally left high school he sadly did leave with a huge piece of my heart.
About a year or two after high school he was in a really bad accident. He suffered a brain injury. My brothers friends, who were also in our grade, were the ones who found him. He wrecked his motorcycle doing stunts on the way home from his girlfriend's house. The doctors were going to give up on him...it was that bad. But he's pulled through. My brother and his friends would visit him all the time and flash forward to now and they are all really great friends and hang out pretty much every week.
My life as of late hasn't been too great... I was in a bad car accident in June. I'm unable to work and had to drop out of classes for a semester or two. And after years of thinking about how even though my crush knew I liked him I never told him...and regretting that...I finally took a step out there and told someone I liked that I like them. And they rejected me. I was a mess. Until my brother decided he was sick of my moping and invited my high school crush to a BBQ my family was having. I could have died...
My crush sat next to me and talked to me... Later that night he asked my brother for my phone number. I learned from my brother that since his accident he hadn't really been with anyone. Because even though to me he's perfect--to other people he's not. He really isn't the same person he used to be. He's slower now. And he has balance problems. I'm still over weight but I don't weigh as much as I did in High School.
I began txting him back and forth. We eventually decided to meet up with mutuals friend of ours. I was nervous and he was really nice about it. That is...until the ride home.
I'm still a virgin. I've never had a boyfriend. So when he began to put the moves on me...I was shocked. We had been to a few bars and we weren't that sober... I gave in to a few things but thankfully not everything.
By the second time we went out I tried to talk to him about it. What it all meant... He said he justed wanted me to be happy. He said he has too much stuff he still has to do with with his life before he ever has a girlfriend. And he said he doesn't think we'd make a good couple. He said why don't we just be friends... with benefits.
Some girls would be so happy... I felt even more depressed. I realized he was using me. He even went on to tell me it would never work out because of who I am. I said what do you mean by that... and it hurt even more.
I decided to never let it happen again. We went to the drive in with two of my friends. We ran in to someone I worked with and he told them he was my date. My date?! I said we're on a date? I thought we were friends? He said we are...
He held my hand all through the movie... but mad a comment I didn't appreciate about what we could do later in the evening. However BIG PLUS: he wasn't drunk.
We have gone out together 5 times now. And everytime I give in. I care about him so much...and I think he is using the fact that I have those feelings against me. I don't know if I should try to still hang out with him...to change his mind... Or if I should just tell him to hit the curb. What hurts is I care about him so much. He has been a huge part of my life.
How could he possible expect the friends with benefits to work out when I already harbor such a torch for him?! His ego seems to inflate when he mentions that his friends are just jealous they can't have a friend like me with such a huge crush on him. I told him--I USED to have a crush on you. He said why would you say that?! And he got a little annoyed.
He most likely won't get any better. He has come a long way...but he thinks he can get even better. It has been 6 years since his accident. He probably also thinks a super model will eventually be his girlfriend or something...doubtful. He creeps girls out because he drinks and says things are inappropriate.
I care about him a lot. Am I being stupid? Anyone out there ever find luck in changing a "friend with benefits" mind?