Dear Savvy,
I have been "best" friends with a girl for ten years. In the last couple of years we have grown apart and while she still feels that we fit the title, I do not. I don't know how to tell her how I am feeling without the fear of a big confrontation. I do not want to hurt her feelings, although I am sure there is no way to avoid it.
The thing is, she is from a foreign country and has a very strong personality. Here's the back story- we met at a seasonal resort and stayed in touch when she went back to her home country, after a few years she began staying year round. She eventually started dating another good friend of mine and a few years later decided to get "married" so that she may stay in the country to be together. That relationship didn't work and a couple of years later (after she received her green card) they are divorcing. Now she has a new boyfriend and is already living with him. Although in the beginning of their split, I told them I would not take sides but actually I do agree with the "jilted husband". Not only has there split affected my relationship with her, he (by his choice) can't even come to my house any more because it drudges up painful memories of the two of them.
She has been very sweet in the past and has been a good friend to me in many ways. But over the past couple of years has turned into a real "B". I don't want to make her out to be a monster but her choices in life are things that I can no longer agree with. And her obsession with status, wealth or lack there of is also a real turn off. She has had deplorable behavior in the past, treating my other friends poorly because she was jealous of them and the connection we had. She nearly ruined a 12 person sit down Thanksgiving Dinner I hosted at my house by being so rude to my guests.
I haven't really spoken to her in months besides a few text messages. But she has let other mutual friends in on our estrangement and now it is time to end things. What can I say to make the split as easy and painless as possible?
Thanks for the advice,
Lost in Translation
High
Start London
Elle Passions
There's no need for a big confrontation/break-up. Just don't be as available to her and let things fizzle out. If she calls and invites you to do something, say you can't. If she asks what's up, just say that you feel the two of you have grown apart and it's time to move on.
1I totally agree with luisa.
In any case, if you haven't spoken to her in months, what makes you think this is going to be painful for either of you?
Friends drift apart all the time.
2i agree. you don;t need to go out of your way to say anything. make yourself unavailable when she randomly calls. eventually she will prob stop reaching out to you. if she continues to bother you let her know why you feel that you two are no longer friends and move on.
3I am in a similar situation, however, that "best friend" of mine is the type of person who will not get the hint that I am no longer happy being in a one-way relationship with her. I have tried communicating things nicely to her in the past, but no change has occurred. Finally I realized that I will just have to write her a blunt explanation of why I can no longer be there for her to use. Hopefully you can take the previous advice and just let things fizzle on their own with your friend, but if not at least you know you have many people on your side when it comes time to battle her out (in a mature manner, that is).
4Don't try to make this bigger then it is. You're not talking, it's what you want. What's the problem? And you're siding with the jilted husband? Calm down! It's not that serious and it's not even about you!
5I would agree with the idea of just letting it go. You do not have to participate in any drama. Rather, you can just not see her, not talk to her as much. If you run into her somewhere you can say all of the polite things you want, you don't need to avoid her. Just move on to new people and wish her well in her new future. No need to include her or be rude about excluding her.
6lOOk mY dEar fRen,whOeVer iS tHis...tHis situation is as similiar as i am facing today(9th June,2009).
7if you really want to avoid her without noticing her or without hurting her then i'LL suggest to to be unavailable to her.just disappear from her life.just go to tour for a week with frens but do not let her know...next thing i would like to say is you can just not talk to her as much as before. and do not think about her anymore. do not talk negatively or think negatively about her but try to learn to respect her becuz of getting chance to know the meaning of attraction and care and almost its love as well.so this is all i had done in my past days to forget the person who is so close and near and dear to me....i always thank her in the very morning becuz of let me know the real meaning of care...
You haven't spoken to her in months, so that's already the beginning of the end. Maybe part of you would like to say goodbye and explain why. If so just let her down gently about a few things that happened that
8is making things too complicated for the friendship. Explain you feel for the ex husband and it makes things awkward for you. She should understand that. But if you don't feel like explaining it, then just avoid her as you've been doing. Maybe that's the path with least resistance.
Post A Comment
To post comments, please log in or register.