I'm a single mum of two, age 27 and have been seeing a guy, 35, for almost 5 years. marriage is on the cards and my kids call him dad as they never got to know their dad and my boyfriend came along when they were still very young. things had always been good between us until a month back i realised he was being very laid back and something wasn't right. curiosity got the best of me and i hacked into his email. i know that its wrong to do so as trust and privacy are strong foundations in any relationship, but i came to discover that he had created a fake facebook account and was communicating with a few women on there.
He had created a whole new persona, asking where all the local hot girls had got to, commented on their body parts, and what he would like to do to them. Obviosly, it hurt like hell, but i felt a sense of relif at the same time. Things made more sense. in the morning i told him what i had seen and that it was over. at first he deneied the whole thing and said it was his brother, but then after much interogation he told me that yes it was really him.
His excuse? that he had extremly low self esteem and had lost all self belief within him. even though hes doing well at work, he had told me before that he felt as he had achieved nothing, hes a extremely build guy but has always presumed that hes stick thin.
the above i already discovered over the last 5 years but i didnt know they were affecting him so badly. he also told me that he felt sucidal at times and fed up of everything.
the next 5-6 days we talked things over throughly. Questions i needed answers to and the likness of it happenning again. we still arent "back to normal" but we havent seperated eithier.
i really don't know what to do. a part of me does believe that it could be brushed off as harmless flirting as there wasnt any inklings to things having gone further then just facebook and a few messages, but the other part of me does consider that as cheating as i wouldnt do it myself, and he knows that.
the first thought that went through my mind was "oh my god what am i goign to tell the kids?" my sons 8 and my daughter 7. they were just 2 and 3 when he came along and he became dad to them and i know he sincerly loves them and considers them his own which i love him for.
my life was in pieces before he came along. What and how i am today was all done with encouragement and support from my boyfriend. i still love him loads but am so confused to what i should do. do i stay with him and we get married in the next few months? my decision to do so will be life or death for me if God forbid things didn't work out my family would never forgive me as this is my second marriage and they weren't very happy with me marrying my ex but supported my decision to leave him. they aren't very happy with me choosing my own life partner this time round but have come to love him.
WHAT TO DO I DON'T KNOW
Nicoli
Promod
Playtex
Counseling. Therapy. Help. Whatever it takes - get this guy OUT of your life. I only hope you can make better decisions in the future.
1I don't know. I know a lot of women here will jump down your throat about how he is a jerk, how you should leave immediately, about how you are foolish for staying with him and what have you. While I don't necessarily buy his excuse, if this is recent, then I see more potential for that than something that has been going on for years. Is it right that he went online and did this? Absolutely not. But it's also questionable because he created a different persona. He might very well have self esteem problems, which is why some people create another online personality for themselves. Would I be wary? Of course. Everyone manifests their issues in a different way. You just have to ask yourself can you trust that he will stop if you asked? Can you trust that this won't happen again? Can you trust him at all after he lied? It's not physical cheating, or perhaps even emotional cheating, but it is sleazy to do. You have to think about what you see coming out of this. Do you think there is potential, or do you think that this can be worked through?
For me, I do think it is a complete disrespect, and I know I would not tolerate it at all. If my man wanted to go create another personality and flirt with women or whatever, I would tell him to go live his pretend life, find a pretend girlfriend and have a grand ol' time.
2He's escaping from the life he's built by virtually building a new one. If nothing changes, how will things improve? It's awful that your kids will have to go through the break up with you, but if not now, a couple of years down the road? I suggest counseling, and instead of offering him a chance to "make up for it", let him decide if he's willing to give you what you need, but let him do it without pressuring him to stay. If he wants to leave, it's best that he does it now.
3Just because someone was there for you five years ago, it doesn't mean that you should stick around when things go way south.
I am sorry that your kids are so close to him, but, really, at the least this guy is a liar and a cheat, and at the worst, emotionally unstable...thoughts of suicide, hello? If he is serious about that, HE is the one who needs to seek help. If he was BSing about it to get you to stay, well, that isn't much better, is it?
I know you have a lot invested in him, but he is nowhere near ready for marriage. It will be up to you to decide if you want to try to trust him again and/or sit through it while he gets help for his self-esteem issues, if he really has any (I personally think he is just a douchebag).
I personally would bail.
4If you still want this to work, you can make it work. This is definitely a betrayal, but not one that is necessarily a deal breaker.
If he commits to therapy, works hard to earn your trust back, and in general is extremely repentant, it might be worth salvaging this.
I mean, if the relationship is great and this is the only thing bad, then work through it. If the relationship is just average and you're keeping him around for the kids, then let this be the final straw that cuts him loose.
Either way, postpone getting married if that's what you need to do. There is no need to make a decision right this second.
5Do not jump into marriage with him if you are feeling unsure because it will only hurt you and your kids if it doesn't work out. For now, I think that you need to not consider your children as strongly, because you need to sort out your relationship with him first before considering how it will affect your kids. All of the things that he said in an attempt to explain away his behaviour frankly sound like complete and utter bul*sh*t to me. SO WHAT, my fiance is insecure and has gone through bad depression and tough times, he would still never, ever cheat on me. The reason? Because he truly loves me and is commited to our relationship. Cheating is against his moral beliefs, and he would never risk losing me. I feel the same way about him. I don't believe that you can ever make this work with him, because he has betrayed your basic trust and respect for him. What is even worse is that, not only is he a cheater, but he lied about it when you confronted him. That tells me that he is a lying cheater and a coward. All in all, I think you could do better than this guy. Don't be afraid to move on, because there are other good men out there that would never, ever do this to you and will treat you great. Good luck.
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world." Buddha
6i dont buy his excuse at all because its just that- AN EXCUSE. he knows how much you have invested with him so hes going to continue to do this until he knows that you won't put up with it. definitely DONT GET MARRIED- not anytime soon anyway- marriage won't make your problems go away- if anything it'll make him think he really has you and his indiscretions will only get worse. I think that you need to separate for awhile- you should both go to counseling separately so you can work on your issues and also try couples counseling later on if you decide to make this relationship work. for now, I think you need to take a break from eachother. dont be so willing to forgive this guy.
7also- you don't need to be with someone or married to someone for them to be a father. sometimes when the relationship isn't working, you're both better parents when you aren't together. children see or sense the fights and the turmoil in the relationship and regardless of what you think, it does affect them much more than any separation ever will.
8Everyone's acting like he cheated. I don't see that in the post. Obviously he was being deceptive, but as far as I can tell, he didn't act on anything.
Is what he did good? No of course not. But strong couples have survived cheating and if these two are a strong couple they can get past this as well, if he's truly committed.
9Uh, not only did this guy carry on a second life online, he denied it and lied about it after she saw the evidence plain and clear for herself. After five years together, they should be moving forward, not backward.
10I would leave. I've been through a similar situation and once he starts lying you never know what the truth is anymore. Even when he tells you the truth you'll have a nagging suspicion that he is lying. You will always wonder what else he is hiding and it will eat away at you. Give him a chance if you want to, but I think what he really needs is a therapist.
11The thing is, Pop, he was leading a double life online and lying about it. If he lies about that even when he is caught red-handed, what else has he been lying about?
I personally would have real trouble trusting someone like this again. But if she wants to give it a go, more power to her. I would just have very low expectations of success. And I agree with Luisa, after 5 years, I would expect more.
12If this is the man you love and i mean you really L O V E him, then you need to work this out. Don't do it for your kids don't do it for him... do it for you. Your kids will want you to be happy 1st. And your family needs not to approve, you are a grown, strong woman who can make decisions for herself. try couples therapy and maybe he needs therapy alone to because he has to get over this hump and the ill feelings he has towards himself. He has broke your trust and he NEEDS to understand that it is his job to earn that back.
If you were a strong couple then you can become one again... talk to him about therapy because that is definitely something he needs and talk to him about couples therapy so he doesn't feel alone(but also for you, because you were the one hurt by his actions)
13Well I side more with popgoestheworld. A new persona on line and chatting is sort of like a fantasy that you don't really act upon. He wasn't standing at a bar and going to motels at night. He was getting a big ego stroke that he felt he needed. I don't buy into the low self esteem part much and to me it sounds like a stupid excuse for being selfish and trying to rationalize a borderline betrayal. He used that mentality to diffuse the situation. I would say drag him into some counseling and a lot of therapy. He should be doing everything to show he's sorry about it and also be willing to jump leaps and bounds to undo this harm. I think it would be a bit too soon to say things couldn't be made right. Besides hopefully if he really loves this woman and especially the children he will learn a big lesson. HOWEVER, this is a one time deal. If someone does this a second time it's too dam bad. I feel cheating is a terrible thing but worse things that can happen to a woman. Physical and mental abuse. Alcohol and drugs. Men with no jobs and no money. Men with no education. Men who commit crimes. Gambling and emptying out your savings account perhaps. Selfish spoiled behaviors. Gaining 300 pounds and watching sports for ten years on a couch maybe. So cheating is sort of one of the lesser evils in the world to me.
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