The short version of the story: my college bf of over 3.5 years has told me he thinks it would be wise for us to "take a break." This is my first relationship and I don't really know how to respond. In fact, we had this conversation over a month ago and haven't really talked about it since. I'm confused and need some input.
Yes, I know everyone's first response to this post is probably that I need to have a good long talk with him, but I thought I'd get some outside opinions first. So here is the full version of the story (forgive any rambling):
Since we started seeing each other, I would say that we've been a fairly happy/good couple. We did not fight often and I think we had a pretty healthy relationship. We'd spend a lot of time together, especially at school, but we also maintained separate lives, separate friends, etc. Good chemistry, too. Overall, very good relationship in my opinion.
Then, last year I was about to graduate and I had no idea what I was doing afterwards. He intended to stay in school for a fifth year to complete a minor, etc. So eventually I decided I would stay as well and start work on a MA. At the time, he and his friend were looking for an off campus apartment and a third roomie. Naturally, I thought that I'd be the first person to be considered and I waited for him to ask me. Eventually, I brought it up. He said that he thought it would be "weird to live with a girl." (Keep in mind that I would sleep over all the time.) I was a little unnerved, but I sort of understood where he was coming from. I figured it wasn't too huge of a deal and that I shouldn't take it personally. I had an inkling that he wasn't 100% thrilled that I decided to stay or that he thought I was being clingy, but I figured I was being paranoid. [And fyi I did NOT stay just because he would be there and I would continue to have great sex. There were many other factors involved, ie cheap tuition. lol.] So eventually I found my own apartment and got everything set up to go to grad school etc.
Fast forward to the start of this past school year.
He got into an accident right at the start of fall semester - broke bones, and needed to be taken care of. We go to school 4hrs from our home city and his mom is a single working mom, so I volunteered to take care of him. I quit my part-time job and basically moved-in with him for the entire fall semester. Between being his "nurse" and the fact that most of my friends had graduated, we were spending practically all of our time together. I also got along well with the other guys in his house, so I was over there all the time.
Then, one afternoon about a month ago (out of the blue, no warning) he gives me the dreaded and clichè "we need to talk" crap. You see, I'll be staying at school for at least another year to finish my masters and he's come home after graduation. He told me he isn't ready to "settle down" and that we should take a break. I asked him when he wanted the break to start, but he never really gave me an answer. [What the hell!?] So I assume he intends to go on like this for the summer and break it off when I go back to school in the fall. I don't know how to react.
Now, we've come home - him for the foreseeable future and me for the summer. The worst thing is we've been acting like we never even had the conversation. It's rather hard for me to maintain my calm exterior. Today, for example, I spent the evening having dinner with him and his favorite aunt. He was cuddling with me on the couch in her house! It just made me want to scream "WHY!? Why are you messing up a good thing?" He calls me regularly, etc. We make plans to go do things. What's up with that?
I kind of feel like "taking a break" is a cop-out. Perhaps he just wants to break up completely, but was trying to be gentle? I think he just really doesn't want to do the long-distance thing. If that is the real reason, then I think this is really unfair of him. Obviously no one *wants* to be in a long distance relationship, but we could at least give it a shot, right? The thought scares me too, but I'm willing to at least try! It isn't *that* far. We could definitely do weekends together - he has a car. I can't say that I'm completely surprised that he wants a break b/c distance certainly sucks, but at the same time I hoped we could stay together.
In my heart, I honestly don't think that he wants to break up permanently. We're pretty much best friends at this point. I thought we'd grown so much as a couple especially after dealing with his accident, etc.
I have to admit that I'm a little angry. I can't help but feel that he's being a bit of a jerk. I made a big sacrifice to take care of him this year and this is how he rewards me. The negative side of my brain thinks several things:
1. now that I'm not near enough to be a good f!@# buddy he wants to break it off.
2. if he's even considering breaking it off, then I should take that as a sign that he just doesn't care for me enough.
3. fear of commitment is SO not cute and i just don't want to deal with it so he can go f!@# off.
Of course, I know that's being a little harsh. Maybe he's just scared and confused, too.
I appreciate honesty. I'd rather him break up with me now than screw around behind my back when we're hundreds of miles apart. HOWEVER, I am not really convinced that we're over. I don't really want to give up on a good thing so easily. I was thinking of suggesting an open relationship, but I am rather dubious. Would that just be postponing the pain? And isn't a break basically doing the same?
I know it's not impossible to get back together after a break or even a full break-up, but I think the odds are pretty slim. People grow apart and they get hurt. Slippery slopes and all that jazz. My parents broke up and got back together several times before getting married so I should know that it can definitely work. But I don't want the drama and the heartache!!!
So there you have it. I'm confused and I need some unbiased advice/thoughts/opinions.... Help! LoL.
Have you been in a similar situation? How did it work out? Should I try to keep the hope alive or just let him go out and explore for now? Should I even consider dragging things out with an open relationship? Am I grasping at straws?
I really appreciate your time and thoughtfulness.
xoxo