The short version of the story: my college bf of over 3.5 years has told me he thinks it would be wise for us to "take a break." This is my first relationship and I don't really know how to respond. In fact, we had this conversation over a month ago and haven't really talked about it since. I'm confused and need some input.
Yes, I know everyone's first response to this post is probably that I need to have a good long talk with him, but I thought I'd get some outside opinions first. So here is the full version of the story (forgive any rambling):
Since we started seeing each other, I would say that we've been a fairly happy/good couple. We did not fight often and I think we had a pretty healthy relationship. We'd spend a lot of time together, especially at school, but we also maintained separate lives, separate friends, etc. Good chemistry, too. Overall, very good relationship in my opinion.
Then, last year I was about to graduate and I had no idea what I was doing afterwards. He intended to stay in school for a fifth year to complete a minor, etc. So eventually I decided I would stay as well and start work on a MA. At the time, he and his friend were looking for an off campus apartment and a third roomie. Naturally, I thought that I'd be the first person to be considered and I waited for him to ask me. Eventually, I brought it up. He said that he thought it would be "weird to live with a girl." (Keep in mind that I would sleep over all the time.) I was a little unnerved, but I sort of understood where he was coming from. I figured it wasn't too huge of a deal and that I shouldn't take it personally. I had an inkling that he wasn't 100% thrilled that I decided to stay or that he thought I was being clingy, but I figured I was being paranoid. [And fyi I did NOT stay just because he would be there and I would continue to have great sex. There were many other factors involved, ie cheap tuition. lol.] So eventually I found my own apartment and got everything set up to go to grad school etc.
Fast forward to the start of this past school year.
He got into an accident right at the start of fall semester - broke bones, and needed to be taken care of. We go to school 4hrs from our home city and his mom is a single working mom, so I volunteered to take care of him. I quit my part-time job and basically moved-in with him for the entire fall semester. Between being his "nurse" and the fact that most of my friends had graduated, we were spending practically all of our time together. I also got along well with the other guys in his house, so I was over there all the time.
Then, one afternoon about a month ago (out of the blue, no warning) he gives me the dreaded and clichè "we need to talk" crap. You see, I'll be staying at school for at least another year to finish my masters and he's come home after graduation. He told me he isn't ready to "settle down" and that we should take a break. I asked him when he wanted the break to start, but he never really gave me an answer. [What the hell!?] So I assume he intends to go on like this for the summer and break it off when I go back to school in the fall. I don't know how to react.
Now, we've come home - him for the foreseeable future and me for the summer. The worst thing is we've been acting like we never even had the conversation. It's rather hard for me to maintain my calm exterior. Today, for example, I spent the evening having dinner with him and his favorite aunt. He was cuddling with me on the couch in her house! It just made me want to scream "WHY!? Why are you messing up a good thing?" He calls me regularly, etc. We make plans to go do things. What's up with that?
I kind of feel like "taking a break" is a cop-out. Perhaps he just wants to break up completely, but was trying to be gentle? I think he just really doesn't want to do the long-distance thing. If that is the real reason, then I think this is really unfair of him. Obviously no one *wants* to be in a long distance relationship, but we could at least give it a shot, right? The thought scares me too, but I'm willing to at least try! It isn't *that* far. We could definitely do weekends together - he has a car. I can't say that I'm completely surprised that he wants a break b/c distance certainly sucks, but at the same time I hoped we could stay together.
In my heart, I honestly don't think that he wants to break up permanently. We're pretty much best friends at this point. I thought we'd grown so much as a couple especially after dealing with his accident, etc.
I have to admit that I'm a little angry. I can't help but feel that he's being a bit of a jerk. I made a big sacrifice to take care of him this year and this is how he rewards me. The negative side of my brain thinks several things:
1. now that I'm not near enough to be a good f!@# buddy he wants to break it off.
2. if he's even considering breaking it off, then I should take that as a sign that he just doesn't care for me enough.
3. fear of commitment is SO not cute and i just don't want to deal with it so he can go f!@# off.
Of course, I know that's being a little harsh. Maybe he's just scared and confused, too.
I appreciate honesty. I'd rather him break up with me now than screw around behind my back when we're hundreds of miles apart. HOWEVER, I am not really convinced that we're over. I don't really want to give up on a good thing so easily. I was thinking of suggesting an open relationship, but I am rather dubious. Would that just be postponing the pain? And isn't a break basically doing the same?
I know it's not impossible to get back together after a break or even a full break-up, but I think the odds are pretty slim. People grow apart and they get hurt. Slippery slopes and all that jazz. My parents broke up and got back together several times before getting married so I should know that it can definitely work. But I don't want the drama and the heartache!!!
So there you have it. I'm confused and I need some unbiased advice/thoughts/opinions.... Help! LoL.
Have you been in a similar situation? How did it work out? Should I try to keep the hope alive or just let him go out and explore for now? Should I even consider dragging things out with an open relationship? Am I grasping at straws?
I really appreciate your time and thoughtfulness.
xoxo
Nicoli
Promod
Playtex
A lot of couples don't make it long past graduation because we change so much during our late teens/early twenties. I know you gave up a lot and thought you were showing him what a great wife you'd be, but I think you'd be wise to cut your losses now. (It's possible that he got a little freaked by how wifey you were acting and didn't feel that he was ready to be a husband? I won't entirely rule that out, but I kind of don't think so.) In my opinion, he's "outgrown" the relationship and while he likes the sex, he doesn't want to marry you and feels that breaking things off amicably now ensures that he can occasionally come back for a freebie if he needs to later on down the road. Don't suggest an open relationship and stop trying so hard to "make it work" while he's trying so hard to break it off. He expected that as soon as the "taking a break" talk was over, the break would start. You'd be wise to cut off contact with him and say, "Look, this is too hard for me. We just need to break up." Then stop answering his calls. For real. Immediately. NO "talking it over". After a while, if he realizes he really does want to be with you, he'll contact you. And he'll do whatever it takes to get you back. I wouldn't bank on that happening, but you never know. It's possible for two people to take a break without breaking up, but both people have to grow up a little outside of the relationship, meaning they have to let the relationship go first. That's hard to do, because you pretty much break up and move on, reconnecting only after a while and then deciding again whether the relationship will be beneficial to both parties. I think you need to go out and explore for yourself, also letting him do what he has to do. If it's meant to be, he'll come back to you. But don't hold your breath... make him work to win your heart back after this.
1It sounds like he wants to go out and enjoy being single for a while. All of his buddies in college are probably juggling women and enjoying their life while he is here tied down to one woman, no matter how amazing she is.
You also need to start enjoying your young and single life. Break up and start dating other people. You need to date other people before considering settling down. While I think it's very progressive for you to consider an open relationship, I also think it's very naive. Neither of you are mature enough for that and someone (YOU) will end up getting hurt very badly.
I know it's hard to move past something that has been so constant for so many years but honestly, in the long run it will be totally worth it. Life moves on no matter what stops. Also, as notinthemood said, make it a clean break. No wishy washyness. just stop talking to him, stop seeing him and focus on having fun and doing something wild.
Good luck
"Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it"
2ohhh god... been there... he wants a break because he isn't ready to settle down. he is acting the same way towards you because he wants you to be there and when you find out he's seeing other people he will bring up that time you both spoke about "a break" and he will make you feel like he's not doing anything wrong. Don't put up with this. don't be there for him and let him treat you like he's only with you sometimes but won't give you a definite answer. especially after 3.5 years of being together. He wants you to come crawling back to after he dates around. In my opinion you need to bring this up NOW and let him know that if he wants a break it will change everything. don't be that dumbass that waits around for him to "realize" that he has a good thing. he won't realize what he's missing if youre always there.
3FAIL, been there. I'll just say this. If he you two can't work together in a relationship and still be supportive to allow each other to be individuals to have fun then it won't work. Unless you two just wanna go around, drink, party, and have sex, then just break up and move on. For your sake, if he's not willing to keep you and respect you, it's not worth it. There's plenty of great people out there than know how to handle it all. If you want to fight, go ahead, but there's only so far you can fight. If you two aren't happy, it won't work. "Always let things walk, if you love something, let it walk it will come back" if it doesn't come back, it isn't as important as you thought.
4You have to realize that you're no longer dating, and he's acting like a boyfriend because he still needs one thing from you. Until he can find someone else to provide it for him.
5yep, he's afraid of commitment! i myself experience that feeling where you wanted to explore other things, enjoy being young and single. Although you are attached to a person but still there is a degree of freedom to do things you wanted to do because you still DO NOT live with him. Am also afraid of emotional attachment maybe because i am traumatized by the kind of relationship the people around me has, it was all whirlwind romances.
In my case It was not easy dealing with the feeling of wanting to be free. If that's what you see in him then LET HIM BE. LET HIM ENJOY THE FREEDOM HE'S LONGING FOR. Wait for him to mature and realize your worth,also You must realize that if a person is really meant for you then there is no way you'll not end up together.
anyway you are also still young, enjoy being single and unattached!
cheers
6oops i forgot to answer your question whether to break up or fight for you man..
The answer is LET GO (FOR NOW) AND WAIT FOR THE DAY FOR HIM TO RETURN.
OK but wait until when?
in my opinion, wait until you said to yourself that you are willing to move on with your life without him.
If he returns then you are meant for each other and if he does'nt then you find someone who deserves you love and attention!
good luck, girl!
7A break in this manner is a cop-out, sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too
Yes, it's no. 3, he's 'afraid' of commitment.
He wants to be able to enjoy single life but have you around to fall back on just in case things don't work out as he expects.
I think it's bs, but hey, you guys are young, and young people do still want to date around and party and such and nothing wrong with that.
If I were you, I won't be holding my breath. I'd opt for a real break-up rather than just a 'break.'
Go out and have fun with your life, you've spent so much time playing nurse to him, basically practically (maybe) sacrificing a lot of things in your life.
Stop 'playing' pretend gf to him now (like RockandRepublic said, he wants something/one thing from you until he can find it from another person), if you guys are on a break, you guys are basically 'single.' Time to think about yourself first now.
*Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it AFTER your conditions have been met.*
8SO SORRY to invade on your topic. Can anyone tell me how to make a new post in 'Group Therapy'? I just joined this site and I'm very technology challenged. I HATE doing this I've just been searching for a very long time now..thanks! sorry again.
9Also my advice on your post: I think your bf doesn't know what he wants. Sometimes boys are stupid like that. He obviously isn't fully for a break up or even a break if he is cuddling with you and calling you: he wants to spend time with you. The long distance factor could be the reason for the break. I would talk to him before things completely end, but he definitely seems like hes scared of commitment .
10AnnieMay, you need to go to TresSugar and on the right hand side bar there is a place to choose "submit to group therapy" but here is the link: http://teamsugar.com/node/add/blog/grouptherapy
Good luck
"Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it"
11I'm not even going to read the whole post. This relationship is over and he's trying to let you down easy.
12Uh, and no, he's not afraid of commitment. He just doesn't want to be with you anymore. Trust me, when the right girl comes along he'll marry her within a year.
13Guess what? He's just not that into you. He doesn't want to marry you, the "break" talk is a serious break-up idea, and he just isn't as serious about you as you are about him.
He's a jerk, and you need to get him to make a concrete choice. Either he is in a relationship with you, or he never sees you again. He should not be allowed to f*ck with your emotions like this.
I was in this situation, we were ENGAGED, and he would break off the relationship about once a month. For three months. Until I finally said I was finished, got a job 15 hours away, and moved on with my life.
If he can't be serious about you, he doesn't deserve you, IMHO.
14Whatever you do, do not do the whole 'open relationship' thing, that is just destined for heartbreak. I think that you need to tell him that you don't want to take a 'break' and therefore if he needs a break from you, then you should just break up with him. Guys tend to use the break as an excuse to bang other girls and not feel guilty about it. He wants to keep you on the back burner, while seeing if he finds anyone better. What about if he gives you a lifelong STI from his screwing around? You have already sacrificed too much of your effort, energy and time for a guy who just completely takes you for granted. You deserve someone better, surely you must know that in your heart.
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world." Buddha
15My boyfriend has always said that "taking a break" is really translation for "it's not going to work out." He also always says that it shows lack of trying to solve the underlying problem (it sounds like in this case, it's 'the distance'), which shows lack of commitment.
I'm currently states away from my boyfriend as he had to start law school, but I didn't drop it all - I stayed here to finish out my job until it made more sense for me to join him. I'm coming a semester later, which means we've been spending about 4 mths apart. If distance was the only issue, you would find a way to make it work.
You need to find someone who will respect you for you, and as someone else said, have fun! Enjoy the single life! You really only get it once!
Cut him off at the knees. You will feel better at the end of it all
16Honey a break is a breakup. No matter how you slice it you've gone from #1 on his list to hovering between numbers 43 and 44. You have a lot of history. But he's ready to close the book. He's ready for a change. And change is good. You can torture yourself with hanging out with him, and going to his family functions, and letting him cuddle you while you seethe. (Ugggh, sounds like the early stages of some explosive drama. With you cast in the role of psycho ex-girlfriend. But to each his or her own)
However, to be on the safe side, DON'T SLEEP WITH HIM. No matter how much you want to, or how easy it is, or how much you think that you might get back together after a blissful night in the sack and a return to the normal routine. He doesn't want the normal routine. That's why he said he wants to have a "break". He's gonna sleep with other people and you don't know where those other people have been. As the wise prophet once said, "Young love comes and goes, but herpes is forever."
Go on and cry your eyes out about this one. He's moving on and so should you.
17Help I'm confused......OK so here's what's going on. I met this guy over a year ago and would see him couple times a month at a store briefly. I worked there he shopped there. I left the co for 7 months then returned. He was psyched I came back and that is when I found he was interested in me. I was seeing someone at the time but that relationship had run its course. I ended it and contacted the new guy. We emailed for about a month before we went out on our first date. He is old fashioned...I am too. We really hit it off and have been seeing each other a few times a week and talking almost every day if not by phone emailing. We have been seeing each other exclusively BTW for one month. It's been 4 days and he has been totally ignoring me. I've called and emailed no responses. Now we are both adults here.....what do you think happened. I am giving him space and I have not contacted him for 2 days now and will not again until Tuesday next week. I need to contact because I left a piece of jewelry at his place and need it back. He does have a couple of health concerns, that does not impact how I feel about him meaning I will/would stick by him no matter what. We did not have a fight or anything, I'm really hurt and don't understand. I would appreciate your input.
18Sorry new here... I thought I was starting a new topic.
19About your question: As others have said he is not ready to commit to you. Please be good to yourself and let him go. Easier said than done....but you should take this time to find out other things you enjoy. All the Best!
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