I keep myself physically fit because I want to... it's a lifestyle choice and many of my favorite activities involve running around. My boyfriend doesn't lead the same lifestyle, which is fine by me... or at least, was. He has never been a skinny guy (I don't particularly like skinny on guys anyway) but late last year he really started packing on the pounds. Last summer, we did lots of things outside together... he would bike while I would run or we'd go golfing or something like that. We were both really into organic/sustainable living and would cook together and try out different local and natural things. Things were good. But then he lost his job in November and kind of fell off the bandwagon, if you will.
He started drinking beer like it was water, and instead of eating meals he's lived off of trail mix and jerky, and now frozen Slurpees and iced coffee. (Britney Spears, anyone?) It's become kind of hard for me to spend time with him because he's eating dinner at 11pm and I get up to go to the gym at 5am; also there's a bit of travel time for me to go see him (~30mins) so I have to give up afternoon workouts to go to his place. When I get there he's most likely sitting around, drinking a beer and watching a movie, which becomes all we do. Recently I had him try on some vests at a mall to get an idea for what size fits him, and he is up to a 2XL. An awkward, un-buttonable 2XL. Needless to say, this was a blow to his ego... and he's in denial about having gained weight! He thinks that sizes have shrunk!
It's not really the size that worries me though... diabetes runs in his family and mine, which is part of the reason I try so hard to monitor my health. He's gaining in the mid-to-lower half of his body, which generally signals elevated risks for heart problems! His family and my family both have problems with obesity and I don't want to see him struggle with this for his whole life. (Not to mention his suit no longer fits, which makes it difficult for him to dress for interviews.) To clarify, he's not an alcoholic. He's probably eating his feelings a little bit, having gone so long without a job, though. He's found himself a volunteer project that takes up 99.9% of his time now so we only see each other once or twice a week at this point, and only for a few hours in the evening, so just getting him to do the things we used to isn't really an option. I think I have to say something, but this is a really sensitive topic... how can I bring this up?
Wonderbra
I think that regardless of how you approach this, it will probably hurt his feelings. Does that mean that you shouldn't? I don't know, I mean, it doesn't sound like you want an inactive relationship and that you aren't too happy with the way things are right now.
I think I would approach it from two angles. First, I would discuss how you work out and eat right to decrease your chances of getting diabetes and heart disease - and that you are concerned for him. And, then I would also mention how you really missed the part of your relationship where you did active things together. Then, I would see what he chose to do. If he doesn't have an interest in getting into better shape and taking care of himself, maybe you would be happier with someone who shares those goals?
1I agree with Mod.
This is just a tough situation.
Good luck.
2As much as it bugs me when my boyfriend gets on me about working out - I'm committed to dropping some pounds, the fact that I will even be MORE attractive in his eyes is a real motivator for me. Bring it up gently, offer to go on a diet with him (I have found women to be better at keeping track of yes foods and no foods), and have a reward system for each ten or so pounds lost. DO mention health concerns!
3I think focusing on having a healthy lifestyle, as opposed to him needing to lose weight, is definitely the way to go. Talk to him about how much you enjoyed being active with him...that sort of thing. Also, it sounds like y'all live a bit of a distance away (you mentioned 30 minutes) so I don't know if this would be doable, but you could start cooking some healthy balanced meals...kinda try to show him what his diet of jerky and trail mix is missing...
My boyfriend and I had this talk a little less than a year ago, although I was the one who was unhealthy/not active. He told me how important having a healthy lifestyle is to him, and that is something he needs in his partner. It was hard to hear, but was also the nudge I needed to change my lifestyle. We are still together, are very happy, and, after that nudge, once I started working out and eating a little differently I realized how important that was to me as well. I have lost about 10-15lbs, and we now do physical activities together on the weekends...eat healthy meals together...and both now feel that maintaining a healthy lifestyle is important.
Hopefully if you are able to nudge him about his health, support him and work with his through this, he will realize that as well.
4I don't know. I had an episode in my life a few years back when I was in denial about gaining weight. It took my mom flat out telling me that I was looking a little plump for me to come back to reality. Sometimes just saying get your fat ass off the couch works. Nothing like the truth to motivate you.
5Sometimes the person has to WANT to do something...and if he doesn't want to, or if he is in denial, no amount of prodding will do anything. All you can do it bring it up and hope he wants to do something to change it. Hey, if you even bought it up, it may be the little push he needs if he is on the fence.
6Good point Chrstne, I think that in order to change one's lifestyle to be a healthy lifestyle...it is something YOU really want to do. Although hearing my boyfriend tell me how important a healthy lifestyle is, I would never been able to make that change if it wasn't something important to me, something that I really wanted to do. But hearing that was definitely the nudge I needed! Hopefully it will be the same for your BF.
7I'm all for the direct approach. This is a reasonable thing for you to have expectations about.
8He sounds depressed, honestly. Instead of focusing on the food he eats, focus on helping him get back into a good place through job searches and his volunteer project. And give lots of positive reinforcement. If he stays in one night and eats decent, tell him how great he looks the next morning. If he goes for a bike ride, compliment how his legs or butt look (or feel) the next day. Little things like that will keep him on the right track.
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