Don't mean to be abrasive, but it sounds like you enjoy being a b!tch. I also don't get it when people attribute a negative personality trait to an entire region of people, as if that is an excuse for their bad behavior and they can't help themselves.

You seem to have some insight into what turns people off...you're abrasive, sarcastic etc., so if you KNOW you're being that way, just STOP. You need a filter for your mouth, and you sound like you shoot from the hip because you don't think before you speak.

Suggestions:

1. Be considerate. If someone is stressed and needs help, offer it, be it pick up her kid from school, drop off some groceries, whatever. Showing that you want to help someone who is overwhelmed is hugely appreciated.

2. Show an interest in what other people are talking about, even if sometimes you're just being polite. It makes you seem less self-absorbed, because frankly, you come across that way to me, even in your post.

3. Unless you are on fire, DON'T INTERRUPT.

4. Cut all the sarcasm, bite your tongue if you have too. You may think being sarcastic is synonymous with being witty, but I guarantee, it is NOT. If someone is talking and you make a sarcastic comment about what the person is talking about, not only is that beyond rude, but it also can make the other person feel stupid about their topic of conversation. End result? NO ONE wants to talk to you again.

5. When in doubt, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. This will serve you well your entire life, trust me on this one.

6. A person can have "fire" in her without being a b!tch. You seem like the kind of person who has to "win" in conversations. That, along with sarcasm, is a sign of insecurity. You don't have to get over on people to exhibit your "fire". I suggest you channel it into a passion other than making people feel like sh!t.

BTW...WTF does being from the north have to do with anything? North what? The North Pole? I am originally from the Pacific Northwest and I was able to learn basic communication skills...

Oh, wait, was that abrasive?

She is obviously from the northeast united states. We do have a completely different attitude here than the northwest or the southern states. It's hard to explain unless you're from here. When I visited the west coast I noticed that people were really friendly and laid back. I mean I went to a bar and women were leaving their drinks and purses laying around without even worrying about some stealing something or slipping them a drug. It was just completely different and almost bizzare to me. There are differences in the way people act in different regions of the country and all I can say is you'll get used to it. Cut back on the sarcasm for starters and just slow down. It's hard to slow down but that will keep your mouth in check and give you time to think before you speak. I feel your pain. I would feel like a fish out of water too. Hang in there.

You sound like you're from the northeast, and I agree with hiding. I am originally from NJ, and I moved down south, and let me tell you something -- it was HARD. They act so different down here, that everything that was normal for me in NJ was actually considered mean-spirited here. Just remember you grew up differently. Even California is very different -- Michigan is different than Arizona, Illinois is different than Florida -- everyone is different. So what is normal for you will not be normal for anyone else. I totally disagree with jazzytummy -- I doubt you like being a "b*tch" -- and if I get called a b*tch because I'm sarcastic, well then screw it, I'll let myself be called a b*tch! Don't let anyone think you are bad because of where you are from. I think you just need to learn to accept that no one wherever you are is like you -- or not very many people. Don't change your personality, but do learn to slow down and really consider what you are saying and how it might sound to someone else not from the northeast. Would you speak to a tourist like you would someone you know? Probably not. You tend to calm yourself down -- which is what you need to do. When I moved here, I spoke fast, and was sarcastic -- and sarcasm from NJ, is more like a joke -- just a dry joke. Here, I learned that they just don't get it -- so I stopped doing it. I have made myself more people-pleasing in that I know I cannot be my real self around some of those people. I lived in NJ for 20 years -- it'll take me OVER 20 years of living in the south to change. You will not be different overnight. You will not adapt their jokes, their "language", their anything in a short amount of time. It's hard, it's a shock. It's still hard for me, and I still feel like a fish out of water, and I still miss the comfort of knowing what and who I was in NJ was normal for me. Now, because of it...to people here I am a b*tch or mean or something that is not true at all.

Hang in there, and truly just...speak in THEIR language. You will seem friendlier. Don't use bigger more complicated words if they do not, etc. It's all about marketing yourself. I remember in college, a professor of mine told me that he (a VERY nice man) got b*tched at by Texans for acting "more educated" and using words they didn't. They were mad at him. He went wearing a suit, and those people criticized him for it. Next time he went, he wore their clothes, didn't use larger words, and used some phrases they did -- and he won them over for a big business deal just by playing towards his audience. Your audience is not the northeast anymore, so if it takes selling something about yourself that may not be entirely true -- that is the name of the game.

I don't know how the region you're from determines your attitude as well, Jazz. It's just a poor excuse for crappy attitude. AKA: it's a choice.

Totally agree with you R&R. Obnoxious is obnoxious no matter where you hail from.

I still say nature and nurture. People from different places like different things, do different things and behave differently. It's kind of foolish not to take factors such as nature and then on top of it call someone b*tchy or obnoxious...that's kind of childish and unnecessary. Why don't we help the person who is looking for help and does not sound the least bit b*tchy or self absorbed. Sorry to all of you who think it's wrong to have certain characteristics and attributes due in part to where you are from and the kind of people you grew up around. Obviously simple psychology didn't register!

Anyway, OP. You didn't come looking for BS, so like I said, you need to play to your audience. It's hard and it sucks, but no one here is perfect and neither are you. Everyone is rough around the edges, so don't feel bad, and don't listen to people who want to bash you for your honesty. You can always PM to talk or something. I know how you feel!

Her behavior is disconnecting her from her husband as well as others. Read my post....I gave her suggestions.

I used the terms b*tchy and obnoxious for a reason, because that is EXACTLY what people around her think of her right now, whether she means to be or not. That is their PERCEPTION. When people talk about her, which they do, they are not using the term "fiery" as a descriptor, trust me. I am not going to sugarcoat that.

Also the whole bit about people not being as thick skinned as people she is familiar with rubbed me the wrong way. She is obviously turning people off with her behavior, as she herself admits, but it is because OTHER people are thin-skinned and don't get her "fire"? It's more likely that she is just insulting and every other person, including her own husband, sees it that way.

I do commend her for recognizing her behavior and wanting to change... I simply wonder if there might be more behind her horrible behavior than the "it's just 'cause I'm a Jersey Girl" bit, if that, indeed, is where she is from.

I think it's a skill to know how to be friendly with people with different backgrounds from you. It doesn't mean that you give up who you are. It's about making a social situation more comfortable for everyone.

A few years ago, I moved from the big city to a small, rural town in the midwest. What was funny in the city wasn't necessarily funny there. What I did to a large degree was basically what jazzytummy suggested. I kept my mouth shut. I listened to how people interacted. The kinds of jokes they made.

Everyone thought I was shy at first, but over time I started injecting a little bit of my own brand of humor. At that point, though, we all knew each other well enough that no one took offense.

It's hard to adjust to new surroundings. I think you just need to stop thinking that you changing your behavior means that you are changing. It's okay to pretend a little sometimes.

Good luck!

I understand what you are saying. For me, it's just odd that some people would say she was a b*tch because I've been in the position where people are so vastly different and there is a serious discord between the two parties. I know I act nicely, but I think sarcasm can sometimes be interpreted the wrong way with some people who usually have a more upbeat sense of humor. I got lucky in that the people I associate with are very understanding, and are very much like my boyfriend and I, so fitting in was never a problem. If the OP is anything like me, then I would say there is no ill intent, and maybe people don't even think she is a b*tch, maybe they are just put off by someone who may act with more assertiveness than what they are used to. But then again, this person isn't speaking of the general population, but of the people she has met. Saying that they are more "laid back and nice" and they don't seem to have thick skin is not a horrible thing to say. It takes a certain kind of person to understand dry humor and people who behave differently than the "norm"...at least in the particular place she is in, it seems. For me, I now live in Georgia, which is vastly different from where I grew up. The women I know here are very kind, they act okay with everything and are the kind of people who, above all else, aspire to be a wife and a mother (and that is coming from them!) For me, I was pushed to be a rich business owner, not someone's mother and wife. I like the women down here more! They seem to have a calmer, less pressured life, and they are okay with being who they are. If I end up "poor", that is not okay with anyone I know. I'm pretty sure if I said I just wanted to quit my job and become a mom and the best wife to ever live, I'd be promptly disowned. So, the South is more family-oriented and the North is more business oriented so it seems. I don't know where the OP lives, but even if it was CA...CA is laid back and awesome -- nothing like the northeast where everything is rushed. I can't blame her for being weird in a new place, I think she is simply behaving in a way she "had" to previously. I think her husband is the kind of person who is very adaptable and doesn't feel intimidated by new places, and can easily adjust to his surroundings. It seems like the poster is just lost. It sounds like she wants to change, but maybe her behavior is a defense mechanism. Maybe it's because she thinks she has to. Maybe she doesn't want to lose her personality, and she is making one trait define her. It's hard to tell. But I do understand you, JazzyTummy. I guess I am just sensitive because I know how it feels to be completely different than those around you. I felt bad for being me, and I had to learn to, like I said "play to the audience". So at home, I am still myself, but with people who I am iffy about, or people who I know to be completely different, I tone it down.

I feel bad for people who were put in the same position as me. I'm sure it's just as hard coming from the south to the north. I had a good friend who went to college up north (but was born and raised in Louisiana) leave after one semester because he couldn't take life in the north, and was very lethargic and depressed because of it. Sh*t happens. And hey, he even got flack for being different, too. The door swings both ways, I guess.

I totally understand the "northern" attitude, as I'm from Michigan. I grew up in a small town though, so it was a shock to me when I learned how people take advantage of the nice ones and see "polite" behavior as a sign of weakness. I know the sarcasm you're talking about (I had to learn it... it's like a defense mechanism) and the best way to overcome it is to try to serve people all the time. That sounds bad, but what I mean is to say nothing unless it serves to build people up, not to tear them down. If you have built up a rapport, you can be a little sarcastic with a person, but generally not with a group (as in singling a person out and ridiculing them). Christine, I think you've got it down to a science... communication is how your words and behavior are interpreted by the audience. Different audience, different style of communication. Some people see it as being "someone you're not", but I think those people are a bit selfish.

I think that if you just talk to people the way that you would like them to talk to you, you will be good. When other people make sarcastic comments about you, do you laugh it off but are secretly kind of hurt? Just think about how you would like people to treat you, and do the same. Ask people lots of questions about themselves, act interested in their answers, smile and people will like you. It is that simple. I don't think that you need to change who you are. Are you putting up defenses because you don't know a lot of people? Is it the case that your sarcasm hides insecurity? Because if so, people will see that, and they won't be impressed. Like I said, just treat people with compassion and the way you would want them to treat you, and you will be golden. People are attracted to confident, relaxed people that can laugh at themselves and see the humor in life. My favourite quote right now:

"If you cannot be compassionate to yourself, you will not be able to be compassionate to others." Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen master

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world." Buddha

Get to know people well before you spout off jokes or sarcastic remarks. Or, you could just forewarn them - I'm a little edgy and spontaneous...I hope you won't take it personally.