About 9 months ago my boyfriend of three years, who I lived with, broke up with me. We had talked about marriage, kids, the whole picture. He came home one day and said "I don't love you anymore and you are not enough." This has really taken a toll on my confidence. If I'm not enough for him who is to say that I will ever be enough for any man.
I never really felt bad about my nerd status or that I didn't look like a supermodel, but now I am beginning to question it. I've also received some shaky advice from friends and family. There seems to be an overwhelming consensus that me being in graduate school is unattractive to men in general. I live in a large college town where there are tons of amazingly beautiful women. I feel like it is hard to compete as being smart or a good person doesn't really get the attention that being beautiful does. It is hard to believe that I could find someone who would actually love me for me when it is so easy to upgrade in this town or anywhere for that matter.
It has also been suggested that I might have to wait for men in my age group to lower their standards. I really have no desire to be the girl someone settles for just because they couldn't catch someone better. That being said, I don't know how I expect any man to stay with me when I know better women exist.
I like who I am and don't particularly want to change just to get a man. I have been told that maybe if I dumb myself down then dating would be easier. Basically, I've been told that I cannot expect someone to date me let alone love me unless I change what is inherently me. I just don't know how to process this kind of advice. It is true that I haven't had huge success with men in the past (again, always the friend never the girlfriend), but I didn't think that meant that I had no chance at love.
I just can't seem to shake those feelings of not being enough. He did have a point, why should he stay with me when there are women out there who are better looking, more successful etc... How do I get my self esteem back and stop worrying about being enough? How do I stop worrying that he was my only chance at love and that I might end up alone?
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Claudie Pierlot
Therapy.
1I remember reading this post before, are you the same poster?
It seems that you've not yet gotten it through you that you don't have to settle and you're great the way you are (btw, everyone is beautiful just the way they are, and beauty is always on the eyes of the beholder and success is relative, what you consider a success may not be another person's standard), also, there will always be more beautiful, more successful, more whatever women/men out there for everyone and that relationships aren't based on what material/physical only (as in, just because you're more beautiful than so-and-so, it doesn't mean that you'll make it work with a partner/spouse).
You may want to consider therapy, try gaining your self-confidence back.
*Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it AFTER your conditions have been met.*
2Try training for a huge race/triathlon/bike-a-thon or something. If you're enough of a woman to tackle that, there's nothing you can't do and nobody can tell you that you're not good enough. If you're confident in yourself, your looks, your abilities and your life, you don't need his approval. And you should be confident in all those things because we all know that the superficial, magazine-like beauty that can be had for a price fades over time. For the record, he projected his own deficiencies onto you. What a great man... (sarcasm)! Nobody should blame the other for a break up; what's not right isn't necessarily wrong, if you know what I mean.
3Don't ever settle. It never ends well.
4I just wrote a post about this very issue: How To Achieve Pure Fabulousness: http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/05/05/personal-development/pure-fabul...
Basically, you have to feel good about yourself before anyone can fall in love with you. And there are ways you can go about doing that. You create positive experiences for yourself and build on them. And there's always Fake It Till You Make It, which can be a very helpful strategy for boosting self-confidence and changing the way that others perceive you.
www.HookingUpSmart.com
5Deep breath...
First of all, if you are intelligent and successful, take pride in that! Beauty fades, but intelligence is a light that will shine from you for the rest of your life. Any man that YOU would be happy with will love you for those qualities. Ask yourself, would you be happy with a guy that valued looks over everything else? Answer: NO. Even if you are the most beautiful woman in the world, if you are with a guy who is all about that, eventually, he will look elsewhere (Hello Christie Brinkley, Elizabeth Hurley, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry. etc).
Second of all, anyone who tells you that you have to dumb it down to hang on to a guy is basically telling you to not be yourself in order to have a boyfriend. Ummm, how long will a relationship like that last? How long can you pretend to be someone that you're not, to have a relationship built on lies? Gimme a break.
Unless you are making guys feel like idiots by correcting them, or always having to be right about everything, etc, annoying habits like that, there is NO reason for you to try to change who you are. There are men out there who appreciate intelligence, but if you are in grad school, you are going to meet alot of college age guys looking to get laid, plain and simple. You just have to accept that most guys that age are tools, but there are great guys out there that want to meet someone interesting and accomplished, but they have to also be confident.
Your issue right now is not your intelligence, it is your lack of confidence and low self-esteem, which you have a right to feel, given how your boyfriend treated you. However, if you don't get help to address that, you will have difficulty in relationships. In other words, it is not your intelligence that will keep guys away, it is your lack of self-confidence.
Good luck to you and remember one thing.... not everyone is blessed with a good brain and the opportunity to go to grad school...again, be grateful for those two things. And never let a guy bring you down so much that it affects your studies and ultimately your future career.
6youre extremely insecure and theres more issues than the whole dating and not finding someone. you need to be happy with yourself and know all the good qualities about yourself that you have to offer. one bad relationship shouldnt determine how you see yourself and your future, and it also shouldn't keep you from dating and getting to know what else is out there for you. what your ex boyfriend said to you was to make him feel better about leaving you. he needed to find someone to turn it around on and make him feel like he was too good for you and needed out of the relationship. while the relationship didn't work out, its not because "you weren't enough for him" its cuz he just wasnt into it anymore. those things happen all the time, and its definitely not the end of the world.
7(I remember this post too...) I agree with the other posters here. You need to work on you, and your self-esteem.
You have been receiving some horrible advice...you DO NOT need to dumb yourself down, nor wait for men your age to "lower their standards." That is ridiculous. You DO however, need to work on loving yourself. The old saying is true, "you can't love others until you love yourself" and likewise, others will not love you until you love yourself. Find a hobby outside of grad school, or volunteer...or something else that your enjoy. As a recent graduate myself, I found it helped to volunteer and get out of the grad school bubble a couple times a week. Do something that gives you confidence outside of school.
I think therapy may be helpful as well. Work through whatever issues you DO have that are causing you to have so much doubt in your own worth. You sound like an intelligent woman with an amazing future in front of her, don't let this one guy get you down.
8Hi,
9This happened to me about 2 months ago. My boyfriend and I were also living together and us breaking up was the hardest thing for me, at the time at least. After a while i realized that it was just not meant to be and there is someone else out there that would appreciate me for me. I know this is really hard right now, but once you give it some time and work on yourself, you also will soon see that there is someone else out there for you. You do not need to dumb yourself down to meet a guy. I think that is the worst suggestion ever. I also went to a big college town and yes it is hard because there are a lot of pretty girls, but everyone is different in their own way. Be selfish and work on yourself, and when you meet someone that likes you for you, it will be better.
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