I have been friends with this guy for about 5 or 6 months. He made it very clear in the beginning that he wanted to be more than friends. However, I was unsure of whether or not I could handle his baggage (he has a young child that he takes care of, is divorced, and is satisfied working in a booth at a mall). I was not fond of his lack of ambition. He has no real plans for the future. I on the other hand, am earning a Masters degree from an Ivy League institution, and I have my future planned out. After weighing the pros and cons, I told him that I would prefer to be friends. So we've been great friends. We hang out all the time, and I feel like I can tell him anything.
As you might suspect, I realized that I had feelings for him about three weeks ago. Since this realization, I've had numerous internal battles about the pros and cons of confessing my feelings and entering into a relationship. I even considered dropping all of my expectations and preferences for him. About 3 weeks ago, he met a woman in a bar, and they hit it off well. I was going to bite the bullet, and not confess my feelings. But two nights after meeting the woman, he asked me specifically about whether or not I had feelings for him. After beating around the bush, I revealed the truth. However, I did not get the response I expected. He told me that he wanted to remain friends. All of this despite only knowing this woman for 2 days! Since then he has been spending a great deal of time with this woman. He has also been playing mind games with me by discussing his feelings for me, and then ending it by asking that we remain good friends and stating that he hopes his new girlfriend does not come between us.
I really don't like the fact that he's playing these games, so I have distanced myself tremendously. We have not spoken in days. This is taking a toll on our friendship, and I value that first and foremost. But I want to be more than friends and deep down inside this is killing me. I really do have strong feelings for him. I don't know what to do.
I know some of you will think that I only want him because he is seeing someone new. However, that is not the case. I was battling these feelings 2 weeks before he met this woman. I know that this is partially my fault, and I take responsibility for that.
What should I do?
Herve Leger
Fornarina
Firetrap
I know this may not be the advice you want to hear, but... do nothing.
You've confessed your feeling, but he says he'd rather remain friends. And because it's harder for you (it sounds like) to remain friends while he's seeing this other woman (while back and forth discussing about feelings/etc with you, I'd think that he's kind of rubbing salt in the 'wound' by doing that), if I were you, I'd just stay away for awhile. He may not 'understand' since it's 'ok' for him to remain friends with you while you've said 'no,' but oh well, what can you do. Put yourself first and try to heal/get over him. Maybe in the future you guys can be friends or try to date if things don't work out with this other woman, who knows.
By the way, the things you mention that you don't necessarily like about him will never change, and when the 'passion' for him has subsided, those things may become obstacles again in your relationship with him IF you guys get together. Have you ever considered that you start to develop deep feeling for him because you're 'lonely' (or if you're dating, it sure sounds like the dates with other men haven't been working out well) and he's always there for you to lean on? Just saying.
*Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it AFTER your conditions have been met.*
1I would cut my losses and move on. He's seeing someone now, so it's no use for you to pine after him. Also, it's extremely sketchy that he's playing mind games with you; you shouldn't want to date, let alone be friends with, someone who is capable of being that douchey. Trust me, you can do better than this guy.
2I agree with nevaeh- even if you think you would be able to drop you feelings about his lack of ambition, they would almost certainly creep up to haunt the two of you later. I also dont think that he is playing mind games with you- at the beginning he asked you how you felt and you wanted to remain friends, now you ask, he says the same thing you did, and that is playing mind games? Just bc it took him a few days to sort out his feelings does not mean he is intentionally trying to mess with you. If you truly want to be friends with him, you need to get a handle on your feelings- something he evidently did successfully when he confessed his feelings for you and you rebuffed him at the beginning of your relationship. It sounds like a friendship may be better anyway since you have very different goals in life etc. Hope it works out!
3honestly... i don't think you ever wanted him. you want the idea of him now that hes unavailable. it could also just be jealousy because you liked the attention and now he's spending it on someone else. you didn't "realize" your feelings until you couldn't have him. its all about the challenge, because now he doesn't want you.
you said yourself all the reasons that you wouldn't want to be with him. all those reasons are still there. He's still a divorced dad with no ambition. if he decides to stop seeing the other girl and gets with you, you'll still be left with all the things that you don't like about him which are huuuuuge parts of his life. be happy for him. remain friends, and move on.
4Take a deep breath and wait it out. I'm in a similar situation with a guy friend right now - just remember that the first couple of weeks of a new relationship are always the most exciting. When the novelty wears off and they really learn about each other, there's a good chance it'll fizzle out. Most relationships don't last too long.
5If the feelings you have for this guy are "killing you", I'd recommend ending your friendship and moving on.
I know, I know, but the friendship is so good, etc etc. Well, that may be true, but you have to pick between that and being "killed" inside.
He sounds like a bit of an ass anyway. I mean who asks someone "Do you like me?" only to immediately say, well, I don't like you.
Lame.
6This wasn't a real friendship anyway... you started hanging out while his intention was to date you, which you turned down. You remained cordial, but that doesn't mean you are suddenly the exception to the rule (guys are girls can't easily be friends). Now that he's moving on, what's the real basis for friendship? What do you have in common? It's not a terrible loss... just move on, he has.
7I would just tell him that it is too hard to be friends with him right now and that you wish him luck with this woman. If he is a good guy, he will respect the fact that you take care of yourself. If it doesn't work out and he decides he has feelings for you again - he will reach out to you.
I understand that losing the friendship is hard, but it is probably harder because it was always a more-than-friends situation. It will most likely hurt for a bit, but it will get better. Maybe you will meet someone who you don't have reservations about in the beginning!
8Yeah, what the hell was his point in asking you that? Just being a douche bag in trying to make you jealous. Tell him to go kick rocks.
9You should have went with your instincts from the very beginning. Apparently your original opinion about the type of person he was turned out to be dead on.
Time for you to find someone a bit more worthy of your feelings.He's jerking your chain.Move on......
10he's a d-bag who was just trying to make you jealous. u shuldnt have to lower your standards for anyone(which is changing urself for someone-btw) and its obvious he's not a good guy.
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