I have been with my guy for two years. I love him very much, and we get along pretty great. I have noticed that because we both have an issue giving each other exactly what we want, we are both not too happy. I tend to get mad at him quite a bit, but because I feel hurt and lonely. He pulls away when I do this. I know I have been in the wrong, I have tried to supplement quality time with quantity time, and this is not we either of us wants. I feel lonely, and I miss compliments instead of insults. I miss feeling love and passion. I know my boyfriend loves me, and he knows I love him -- I just don't know why this is so hard to do. I want him to have a great life and do whatever he wants to do -- I just don't want him to forget about me. I have talked to my boyfriend about this. Sometimes he is compassionate and wants to make it work, other times he says he wants it to magically be fixed, or we break up. Relationships take work, and I am willing to work. I just don't know what I can do to make him see that it's an easily fixable solution. He says he resents me, but I resent him to. We are at a stand still. We don't want to break up, but it's hard to stay together when the other person doesn't want to make the first move at fixing something. I have done it so many times in the past and gotten nothing. I know we both need to change the way we think, and I know we sound like idiots. We hurt each other without even realizing it. I want to break the cycle, but I also want to ensure I get what I need too. I am very happy, have hobbies...but I need some QUALITY time, love making and kissing, and a few kind words. Any advice for someone like me?
...if you need to know, I am 22 he is 20, we live together.
black'Up
True Religion
melissa
Yet again another girl who insists "I know my boyfriend loves me." He doesn't love you. He's only with you out of habit, the same reason you're afraid to leave him. It's time to break up and move on. Relationships should not be this painful and they shouldn't be this much work.
1Wanting to work on problems in a relationship is a two-way street, and he's not stepping up to the plate.
It seems like your fantasizing about how things used to be when you were falling in love. That's easy to do because it was a better time for your relationship.
However, a more accurate picture of who you two are together is how you are towards each other RIGHT NOW. Consider this your default, you base. If it's not good, if you resent each other, fight, nag etc, then you need to break it off.
Yes relationships take work, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's worthwhile to spend the energy. In this case, I'd cut my losses.
2Pop and luisa are right. If your relationship is so much "work" that your boyfriend does not want to even try to make it better, it is officially over. You are staying together because you are used to each other and you both are probably afraid of starting over alone.
You are too young to be feeling this miserable...the fact that you are no longer enjoying the relationship makes me wonder why you are still in it. It is time to move on.
Also, just because your boyfriend is physically "there" doesn't mean he loves you. Sorry.
3Been there done that. If you both can't compromise, the relationship will be a one way street and the person who is putting the most effort with begin to nit pick every little thing about the other person just because they are not matching the effort.
It is time to let go, be on your own for a while and start other relationships. You are young and still lots of "time" left before you "need" to settle, and don't ever think that this is as good as it gets because there will be bigger, better, and bolder things out there that won't make you grab your hair out in bunches to make things work, believe me, I have tried.
4Well, for some reason I feel like I am missing a huge part of this story. I don't doubt you love each other, but I do doubt that you are as innocent as you say you are. The damage was not solely caused by him if he didn't do something seriously detrimental, like cheat on you. I have a feeling that you are doing something wrong that you know about, and sort of hinted to, but you are the one who has been having trouble letting it go. I think you need to take equal blame, and stop trying to shovel it on to him. Guys function with a woman who leads. He does not know how to treat you, and if you don't make it blatantly obvious he will never know what you really need. If you want love and passion, make it happen for yourself. Your guy is like every other guy on the planet...he loves you until he says otherwise, and he doesn't show love the way you do...so him taking out the trash every now and again is just as loving in his eyes as having sex with you. Get what I'm saying? I have been through this with my BF, and it turned out I was complaining about me, not about him. The underlying issue in my getting mad was my insecurity -- so maybe that's the deal with you. Like I said, this short little paragraph you wrote detailed how you felt, pretty much...but not what was actually wrong. Hope I helped...
5I heard on Dr. Phil yesterday that both people in a relationship need to start being selfLEss instead of selfish. If he is not giving you what you want, you need to tell him exactly what it is that you want and need in order to be happy in the relationship and allow him to do the same thing to you. Your relationships sounds one sided, like you are doing more of the work on the relationship. You 2 are very young, in my opinion much too young to be living together. Sometimes in a relationship, if you can't both work at communicating and making the effort needed, it means that you are basically not compatible. Think of it this way: is he the man you want to marry? Can you imagine being happy in marriage with him and having children together? If you cannot imagine being truly happy being married to him, then your relationship may have reached the end. You are very young, and you have to look at each relationship as a learning experience. Based on this experience, what qualities do you need in a partner to make you happy? What qualities does your partner need to possess in order to fufill your needs and make you happy? If you intend on staying together, then couples counseling may be the best thing. Good luck.
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