Um, my thought is why can't you go if they're going to dinner with another friend. You should meet all his friends, especially his BFF.

I agree that it's shady that he won't let you go to dinner with them. If you've been with your boyfriend for two years I would think he'd WANT you to meet his BFF. If she's a big part of his life, and you're a big part of his life, it's only natural that you two should meet. I would let him know how much you would really like to go to the dinner and that you don't want to miss out on a chance to meet his friend. If he still refuses, I would ask him point-blank why not. Is he trying to hide something? If I were dating a guy for that long and he refused to include me in the dinner, there's NO WAY IN HELL I would feel comfortable with the girl spending the night. And none of this has ANYTHING to do with the guy's cheating past. This is how I would feel even if he had NO past! Good luck, but don't allow yourself to be a doormat.

Sounds shady to me. If he had nothing to hide he would ask you to go along to dinner out of courtesy even if you didn't plan on going. They talk anyway so discussing you while not being there wouldn't matter. His BFF is grown and can be by herself in a hotel room. Your not controlling he's inconsiderate.

You need to walk away from that man right now. His behavior is way too shady. If you two have been dating for two years why wouldn't he want you to meet his best friend (male or female)? He knows that he lost your trust once (doing something majorly stupid) so I feel like if he really wanted to make things work between the two of you he would not of hestitated (and esp. not said no to your simple dinner request). I think he has made his priorities very clear, and you don't seem to be very high up on them.

When will anyone ever learn that it is inappropriate? Really, if you're not comfortable with it, let him know, and if you feelings matter enough, something else should be arranged. Someone will probably disagree I'm sure, but that's my take on it. Let her spend the extra cash for a room, she should have arranged this with her own family. While I understand that it seems like no big deal, if it is, why not stay the night with your boyfriend as well?

While in theory I have no problems staying the night with members of the opposite sex if you're just friends, in this particular case, it's shady. It doesn't sound like this guy really respects you.

Definitely shady. I've been a guy's "BFF" before and to everyone else we were just best friend but honestly, we were screwing like rabbits. Even when he had girlfriends. I know it was bad (i was 18) but still, it happened. I saw all of the lies he told those girls and this sounds like one of them. He wont let you spend the night, he wont let you come to dinner, he wont even let you meet her. He sounds like he's planning on gettin some that night.

This is a very difficult situation because while you have no solid proof you also cant just say "thats it! I'm coming and thats final" but maybe you should... tell him that you want to meet his friends and that you think this is the perfect situation. Also, he should be well aware of the trust issues and just tell him that the way he's been acting about this is very shady. This is an awkward situation so hopefully another lady here will have good advice on exactly how to handle it as I'm at a loss. All of my ideas can end up with you looking like a psychotic girlfriend and that's never good.

good luck

Fallen I know what you mean. In my head I'm trying to figure out a way to "accidentally" meet her or something. His BFF lives in another state so he hasn't seen her in about 6 years but I'm still concerned. I don't know what to do or how to approach the situation.

BTW, I posted the GT.

You have some trust issues still. Clearly things aren't all good and fine. You need to trust your boyfriend again. You can't live the rest of your life like this.

Belle, I'm sorry sweetie but it is shady.I don't think he's a good guy for pulling this.

I used to date a guy who has a female bff (from another town) and she was spending the night at his house on a layover trip to another town (I didn't care much because he said they're just 'friends' etc), then after we stopped dating, he let it slip that when we were still dating, during that sleepover, they had sex and oy vey, although it didn't hurt because we were only dating for a couple of months, but it did p1ss me off enough to stop being his friend.

No wonder he didn't bother to even introduce me to her or ask me to hang out with them.

You are more than justified to get upset because if you've been in his life that long 1-2 years, and this is his bff, he should be introducing you as his gf to her, get you to meet her, hang out with them, etc, that is IF there's nothing to hide from his part.
If the situation is reversed, I doubt that he'll be comfortable with you not wanting him to meet your elusive male friend who's spending the night at your house just the two of you and he's not allowed to come and hang out or whatever.

*Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it AFTER your conditions have been met.*

No ....you are not overreacting at all considering his past history.I certainly wouldn't be alright with it(it's inappropriate to say the least) and I don't care how long it's been since he's seen her.Your boyfriend needs to tell her to get a hotel room....period.She's a big girl and i'm sure she can stay by herself for one night until her parents get there if that's even the truth.

If he refuses and is showing any kind of resistance to you spending the night and hanging out with him and his friends then i'd have to say you have every right to feel the way you do.

So far it sounds like your BF is being a real jackass about it .He should be putting your feelings first not hers.If he can't respect how uncomfortable it makes you feel then it's time to show him the exit door.

why wouldn't he invite you to dinner? I know all of my boyfriends female friends (and he has alot because he's a doc and all of the nurses are cool as can be).. I'd DEFINITELY have a problem with that.. If he cared about you and was proud of you, he'd definitely want you to meet someone he considered his best friend.. Be wary and tell him how you feel and if he doesn't budge, move on.

If he were to invite me to dinner would it then be ok for her to spend the night?

no, you should be able to spend the night. If he doesnt invite you for the dinner but lets you stay the night then I see no problem but the other way around... no chance. Why should she get to spend the night and not you? Why doesnt she sleep there and he can stay at your place? I dunno, i wouldnt allow my man to do this and he has never cheated on me before. Something just seems wrong with this situation.

If you meet her, watch for the signs. Does she flirt with your man? Does she touch him alot? Does she reminisce with him while generally ignoring the others? I just... i wouldnt trust something here. This is an annoying situation lol

I think i agree with Jeny here. Your man is putting HER feelings over yours. As neveah pointed out, he wouldnt like it if the situation was reversed so if he wont see your side and realize what he's doing then he is definitely trying to hide something. You cant trust these girls! I should know, I was one of them!

My ex had a female friend he worked with, they were just friends etc etc and one night my man and a bunch of our friends all went out clubbing and she happened to be there. He always used to say that she wasnt his type etc etc and all night she was telling me how lucky I was, how she wants to find a man like mine, that we are so happy and so in love and how much he talks about me all the time etc. I thought she was purely friends and though she just met me that she respected me enough not to try to mess with my man. Yea... like an hour later she needed to go get cigarettes from her car and he volunteered to go with her... and they f*cked in her car in the parking lot of the club. Bad times.

My guy now, if he has any female friends he introduces us immediately and if I say "hon I'm not comfortable with that" he completely understands. He would never even for a minute suggest that a female stay at his place without me there. No way, no how.

Is there anything else in your relationship that makes you question his fidelity?

The problem is that my BFF is a guy but hes also gay so my bf has nothing to worry about. All my male friends are gay, he knows that even if they spent the night and I had done something to lose his trust in the past absolutely nothing would happen. I'm so lost as to what to do right now, I dont want to throw out a relationship I've invested so much in but then again I dont want to get hurt again.

Time to move on... if you're not invited to the sleepover, it's because his bed isn't big enough for the three of you. What kind of a friend doesn't want to meet the girlfriend, and what kind of guy doesn't want to introduce her to his friends? Don't turn this into a fight, just leave. You shouldn't have gotten back with him under the premise of not trusting him. But that doesn't give him an excuse... and even if he doesn't sleep with her (or try) it's obvious that he doesn't respect you like you deserve. You'll find someone better.

I'll be the first to admit that it's hard for girls and guys to be "just friends". I have some really good guy friends, but I am actually interested in meeting their girlfriends and I respect their relationships. If the girlfriend isn't comfortable with her man spending time alone with me, I respect that too. But I make it a point to meet the girls and be friendly, because I understand that trust can be hard. I only have two guy friends who have NEVER tried to take our relationship to another level... all of the rest have at one point or another, although I quickly shot the requests down. No matter how close you are, or think you are, with a friend of the opposite sex, you can't treat them like they're the same! We don't do sleepovers or get wasted together... that's asking for trouble!

Something you need to understand about investments... some are losers, and some are winners. I'm going to go ahead and be a little rude here... what did you invest into this relationship? Is this your way of saying that you think you're close to engagement? Did you buy him a ton of stuff and have a monetary investment? What did you put into this "investment" that you are so afraid of losing?

I got out of my last relationship after a whole year of telling myself "...but I've invested so much". Here's what I lost: $160 snowboard goggles, $400 camera, $300 "baby, I'll pay you back, I swear!", $250 Wii, $500 Christmas presents, $150 tools, $200 stuff I left at his house. Rough estimate... might have been more, actually. But here's what I gained: I am 100% happier, I trust my boyfriend now, I am more confident, I never have to apologize for being smart, I don't pay for our trips myself, I receive as much as I give in the love department. And a whole bunch of other things. So I lost some money... so what? I'm still young and healthy and have so much time to do things that make me happy! To think... I could have wasted my entire life trying to change a jerk who didn't like me the way I was. But I got out and have no regrets about that. I suggest you do the same.

Another thing... My ex's ex-gf didn't like me and told my ex so... he said I should try harder to get along with her. And I never even met her!! He'd just told her "about" me. So I feel for you there... but you need to learn that any good friend won't diss a friend's girlfriend like that.

notinthemood........very well put and I agree with you 100%.I only hope the OP will see it that way too.

You shouldn't be in 2nd place period. I don't know, it my opinion, the whole dinner and staying over thing just sounds inappropriate. W/e, now supposing you two were married, and you were out of town to visit family, and this exact same situation came up. What then? It's just as inappropriate. If he can't respect your objections and have her stay in a motel or something then it's not worth it. She's a big girl, she planned this trip, she should have done a better job at it, not expect people to drop their lives and cater to her situation. Doesn't matter if it's been 6 years or 6 hours since he last saw her. It's still not an appropriate. You see, this is just a series of plans of being put in a bad situation. It's like leaving condoms on the table of your boyfriend's apartment, and then later on some chick comes to hang out with him alone. A bad enabling situation right? While some say trust your boyfriend etc etc (which, from your history with him, that trust more than likely isn't completely rebuilt yet, and it's not your fault so don't let anyone give you that "go to therapy crap"), what ever happened to everyone saying "it's so hard to resist temptation, etc etc. Everyone should know how difficult it is to resist temptation, and some people just aren't strong enough to. When you set up a situation for it, then it makes it all the worse. And you know what, I'm pretty sure it's not completely whether or not you trust him, it's also whether or not you also trust her. You don't know her, so there's really no reason for you to trust her right? So now it comes down to, can you trust them both 100%? Since the answer is no, then this situation is 200% inappropriate.

I stand by my verdict. ^

I think you should just be honest and say you are not comfortable with the arrangement. If he makes a big deal about it, and makes you feel like you are in the wrong, it is time to walk. You have to understand that this may be the end of your relationship, but if you don't trust him and he doesn't respect your feelings, it isn't much of a relationship anymore anyway.

Clearly his BFF girl doesn't give a sh*t about your feelings...who would ask a "friend" with a girlfriend to spend the night together and go to dinner together without asking the girlfriend? I don't trust her, and I don't respect him for not respecting your feelings.

He is putting her over you, as someone said....to me, the writing is on the wall..you just have to read it, take a deep breath, and make your decision.

By the way, just because you aren't comfortable with the arrangement doesn't make you a psycho girlfriend...relationships SHOULD have some boundaries, or to me, they are not relationships.

I think Chris Rock put it best, "If you've been dating a man for four months and you haven't met any of his friends, you are NOT his girlfriend!"

Really it's his not wanting to introduce you to his BFF or his high school friends that makes the whole thing sketchy for me.

I spoke to him last night and these are his exact words:

~me: what would hapen if I told you I dont want you to let her stay the night?
him: I would probably ask her to check if she could stay somewhere else in the city first I would do it because of what you mean to me...but I would be unhappy about doing it because it would make me feel like you were trying to stop me from spending time with a friend

~but I dont feel like this is at all about you wanting to get to know one of my friends, this is about you wanting to police the situation.

~if it seems like we'll spend more than a little bit of time together, i'll see if she wants to have a meal w/ us. If she were staying with me a week, and there'd be lots of opportunities, I would absolutely say we should do something together

I'm so confused. I told him I would get back to him soon, what do you all suggest?

Thanks for all your advise!

I would make myself present at some point in the night come hell or high water. And yeah its about policing the situation! The guy at one point previously was text messaging others for sex the first time around so -duh- does this guy need you to write it all down for him?

I thought they already had dinner plans? With a mutual friend? You should go to that! No ifs ands or buts really, the situation is already way too shady to not get your way. Maybe I am a crazy girlfriend but there is no way this would happen in my relationship. Sh*t would hit the fan.

You know what's going to happen when/if you don't get your way and feel comfortable? This will loom over your head and cause arguments for the next, well, ever. Unless you're a doormat and let yourself get walked on and will never mention it again, it will just eat you up inside.

You are going out on that dinner with them and a mutual friend. He feels like you are policing the situation, wah wah wah. Tell him if you mean that much to him, then it shouldn't be a big deal.

Sorry if that seemed harsh...

You need to feel comfortable and even with meeting this chick would you still feel comfortable with her staying at his place while you're not there?? I sure wouldn't. You may be introduced to her as your girlfriend but this guy seems like kind of a dog.. who knows what happens behind closed doors, really.

After reading what I just wrote, I'm actually way too leniant. You should get your way and stay the night there. After all, you probably sleep there often enough, its not like spending the night with him in his bed is an unusual request on its own. If, by some weird chance, a girl friend of my bf's needed a place to crash, you can guarantee i would be there for the night, and he wouldn't even suggest otherwise..

I dunno. This has shady written all over it. I say its your way or the highway.

I'd suggest she find a different place to stay or he should be okay with you coming over too. Let him go to the dinner but you're the one spending the night, not her. He needs to realize that while you dont care if he has female friends you do think it's completely inappropriate for them to be sleeping at his house without you there. This isnt about you trying to stop them spending time together it's about you making sure you can trust him. You dont now this chick from Eve, y'know? Maybe shes a complete slut bag but maybe when you meet her you'll feel totally comfortable with them chillin together alone. Maybe if you see them together and see how they interact then next time she comes into town you wont be so freaked out but frankly, it's a bit weird that some chick is coming into town and he doesnt want you anywhere near them. He needs to put in effort to win your trust back, just because it's been a year since he text messaged for sex doesnt mean he's a clean slate. Also, what if they're drinking at the dinner and he "accidentaly" bangs the crap out of her? Why even allow the temptation. I would definitely want my presence known in this situation.

My fiancee thinks he's trying to screw around.

Yep!!! Exactly...... Amen to that

You need some balls, girl. Instead of "What would happen if . . ." Try "I'm not comfortable with her spending the night. I'm sure you understand. My friend Jenny said she can crash at her place."

Yes, grow a pair... Belle, honey... listen. He's not going to come right out and say, "I'm going to try to bang my friend". He's going to try to make you feel bad about questioning him though, and say that the situation is really out of his control... he's trying to remain completely blameless. You need to understand that he is going to lie to you and make you feel bad. This is in his nature, as you've told us. He's turning you into the bad guy, not his "friend", by saying that you really don't want to meet her. You do! He had made no plans involving you meeting her! That bit about how much he cares about you was bull... he would tell you she was unable to find another place. Why was it that you couldn't stay over as well? Why is it that you can't come along? Ask him that... I'd like to know what he says. Offer him a solution to his "problems" and you'll likely get some harsh accusations, or something intended to make you feel bad so you stop questioning him.

I want you to tell him, "Baby, do whatever you want to do. Because as of this moment, it doesn't matter to me... I'm not your girl. I don't date guys who have sleepovers with other girls, or have friends who come before me. Hope it was worth it." And then never talk to him again. You are not too deeply invested in the relationship that you can't recoup your losses... and it could get worse! If he's cheating, you could end up with an STI... and he definitely sounds like the cheating kind! Please listen to us... oh gosh... what are your ages, if you don't mind me asking?

If I were you (and I'm obviously not, so keep that in mind) I would say, "I don't feel comfortable about her staying over at your place for the night. I think you could manage to spend plenty of time with her by just having dinner together, since as you said, it is a weekday and you wouldn't spend much time together anyway. Maybe you can just find a hotel for her to stay at.? I feel very strongly about this."

I think this is well put enough and to the point. If he still insists on having her stay over, you know you have got some problems. He can't even put your feelings ahead of one night with his friend? Besides, I find it extremely suspicious that he doesn't want you to have dinner with them. The fact that you asked him if you can go proves that you don't trust him anyway.

How scary is a relationship where one person can't trust and the other cannot be trusted?

If he still refuses to care about your feelings despite your final stand, think hard about whether he deserves you.

Protect your heart until you find someone who can do it better than you.

Ok. First off, I think you made the mistake of taking him back, because TRUST is the most essential and basic foundation of a relationship. Without it, you can hardly enjoy your time with the other person because they have given you a reason to be suspicious.

Second, if this girl is really just his best friend, he would be more than happy to allow you to come to dinner and even spend the night with them. If a guy really cares and loves you, he wants you to be a part of his life in every way, including meeting his friends. ESPECIALLY his supposed best friend. If he made the effort of inviting you over, I would say you have nothing to worry about, because maybe she just is his best friend and nothing is going to happen. But the fact remains that he doesn't want you around when she is. Red flag. You're his girlfriend, she's not.

Drop him like it's hot. This situation will only make things worse if you don't, and I personally think you deserve better.

I want to know what happened Belle- I hope you followed advice and dumped him. I really truly think this guy is a liar and a cheat. I am so sorry but I do hope you know you don't deserve a man who makes YOU feel bad for HIS bad behavior.

I agree with notinthemood. To be honest with you, OP I think that you never should have gotten back together with this man after what he did to you. His behaviour now is showing you that he still does NOT respect you or your feelings. Truly, I don't see how you will ever be able to trust him again because I don't think he really deserves your trust. Listen to your gut here, if this makes you uncomfortable, then it is time to break it off with him. I hope you don't stay with him and end up getting an incurable STI. If you intend on staying with him after this, please use condoms EVERY time you have sex with him (although of course this won't protect you from everything). Basically, I think that he does not want you there because he is probably hoping to get lucky with her. Always trust your instincts, because they are usually right. You can do better than a man that does not respect you or your feelings. Good luck to you.

Just an update--

I think I grew a small pair of balls over the weekend. I had a very serious conversation with him and told him that I feel extremely uncomfortable with her staying the night and not being introduced to her. I made it very clear that its either her or me. I refuse to be treated like a doormat and wont stand for anymore s**t from him. His response was that he would tell her to stay at a hotel and that is he wanted to spend time with him I would have to be included. To top it off I went a bit crazy (but I don't regret it) and told him I want proof so I had him IM her in front of me. She wasn't very happy about it but said she understood. I'm not sure I made the right decision but I made sure I was heard and he knows that if he screws up this chance there wont be another.

I just want to thank you ALL, and please tell me what you all think of my decision. Thanks!

Belle 1031,

You definitely made the right choice. There should be no regrets.He's doing it your way now that you stood up to him and let him know that you're not taking any BS from him or anyone else.It's as it should be.Good for you for standing up for yourself!!!!!!!!!

Great job, you have nothing to be ashamed of or regret. You stood your ground and made it very clear that you're not to be messed with. I'm very very proud of you and so happy that you didnt let your insecurities or his dominance affect your decision here. Surely she will realize he's a taken man and he'll think twice about even attempting to mess around.

Excellent job! You go girl! Woot woot.

Good for you!! I am so proud of you for standing up to him. And see how he succumbed to you when you did?

I couldn't have done it without you ladies. You all rock!!!